'My son is about to graduate from primary school. Why do I feel so sad?'

I have been walking my son Toby to and from his primary school since 2016 and now that this part of his life and mine is almost over; I feel overwhelmingly sad.

Sad because my little boy is growing up. 

Sad because his beautiful group of friends are going to different high schools.

Sad because the routines and communities we fostered are changing.

Sad because the pandemic took away two years of milestones we can never experience again.

And sad because I am already looking back; realising just how short this part of childhood really is.

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Graduating year 6 is a very normal rite of passage and there is plenty to celebrate about this phase too. I am happy for Toby and so proud of the young man he is becoming. And yet here I am welling up in private at all the 'lasts' which - this week in particular - keep breaking my heart.

For the parents of older kids who think I'm being dramatic, I'm sure I will look back when Toby is 18 and think that these were still golden years. At least I certainly hope so. But while all the big childhood milestones have felt important, the shift to high school feels like my biggest challenge yet.

Parenting comes with many 'seasons' of change and while each new stage of life is exciting for the kids as they change, it's also emotional for us mums and dads as we have to let them go as they grow up. 

From the last breastfeed to first steps; the last night in their cot to their first 'big' bed, the early years are filled with milestones. I had a cry over all of those moments, but the last time I felt this heartbroken was in 2015 when Toby 'graduated' from pre-school to start kindergarten.

He was then my only child and I recall how we would hold hands while walking to school as he chatted about his favourite Star Wars plot points, before giving me a wave and heading through the gates. 

The seven years he still had left of primary school seemed reassuringly long, but once I became pregnant with my son Leo in mid 2016, time just flew. Suddenly I had a fussy baby in a pram to push and worry about as we walked. Then as Toby grew more confident, he began to walk by himself, then we all had to stay home thanks to COVID, and then just this year, I began the walk again but this time with my two boys in tow. 

I admit I didn't notice the exact moment Toby stopped holding my hand, but it happened in amongst all those busy morning drop offs and it makes me sad that I somehow missed it.

And now? Those seven years have passed and here we are on the threshold of his next phase; this time with the teenage years stretching out in front as his primary school era fades into memory.

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Watching our kids transition to high school carries additional emotional weight because as adults, most of us can remember what it was like. It is an exciting period for our kids (as it once was for us), but knowing how hard this phase can be, as well as what it means to be a teenager, is not as fun once you're the parent.

The annoying saying, 'The days are long but the years are short' has never been more relevant. I remember wanting to throttle the more mature parents who said that to me as a new sleep deprived mum and I think it is only something you can ever appreciate in retrospect. Especially if like me, you couldn't treasure those early years because you found them to be hard. 

I wouldn't want to go back to the baby or toddler era and I'm so proud and happy to see both of my boys turn into humans with opinions and interests. Yet now I just want their childhoods to slow down. 

It turns out; the days are long and the years are short. Who knew?

With Toby about to start high school, it has made me look back and reflect on all the mistakes I've made as a primary school parent. And there have been a few.

I have worried too much about things that didn't matter (that homework project in year 2?) and perhaps not always cared enough about the things that did. 

I missed many assemblies in the early years because there were always more. I only volunteered to read for a couple of terms because I had work, then a young baby and toddler to look after, and there was always more time. I didn't keep all his school work or art because there was always more, and I didn't always listen to his stories about who did what today, because there were always more stories tomorrow.

Until of course there wasn't.

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While this year's Term 4 has been an explosion of activity that has driven me slightly mad, it has also been a joy to see both my kids having fun after the anxious, home-based pandemic years. This week is the culmination of this busy term and every day Toby has a party, presentation or assembly to attend. My work schedule has been all over the place so I can make some of these events and I am grateful I have a flexible job because it all feels important that I bear witness to his final few days as a primary schooler.

While Toby is taking all this activity in his stride, I have been getting increasingly emotional as the week draws to a close. For the Year 6 clap out tomorrow, I'll be in an absolute puddle of tears as he and his friends, who I have had the privilege of watching grow up, walk out of the school gates for the very last time. 

I know I won't be alone and us parents will lean on each other as we process our emotions alongside that of our kids and just keep on keeping on because that is what we must do.

Parenting is an absolute rollercoaster and while I feel sad as one chapter ends, come January we'll be busy in our new routine with six years of high school to get through.

And while those days might be long, I'll try to make the most of it.

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles and to see photos of her outfits and kids, follow her on Instagram and TikTok.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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