Life through the brutally honest eyes of a kinder kid.

Today was my first day back at kinder after the holidays. Mum is on the couch drinking her special grape juice. She looks tired but I don’t know why, she had the day off work which means she didn’t really have to do anything.

6.45am
Mum tried to get me out of bed. I don’t think she realises that waking her up at 5am every day during the holidays really tired me out so I’m going to want to sleep-in every weekday this term.

7.00am
Mum served up oats with blueberries for breakfast. I liked them yesterday but today I reckon they’re yuck. I’ve decided I’m only going to eat things that are yellow from now on.

7.20am
While Mum was putting her make-up on, I did the same, except I used permanent markers. Mum was so impressed that she closed her eyes and counted to 10 while breathing loudly. She does that a lot, it’s hilarious.

7.30am
Mum tried to dress me in the green jacket I picked out at the shops. I know I told her it was really cool but I’ve decided I only want to wear blue from now on. Also, it wasn’t cold (a balmy 5 degrees) so I didn’t need a jacket.

7.45am
Mum asked me to put my shoes on but they disappeared! The aliens must have taken them when they stole my all water bottles and single socks.

8am
Mum found my shoes under the trampoline. She said we were running late and I had to be quick brushing my teeth. I tried to spit in the sink but I missed it and my toothpaste went all over mum’s new pants. She said a bleep word so I told her I was going to tell granny.

8.15am
While mum was changing her pants, I freed all the toys from the bag we packed for the op shop. The toys seem much happier now. I think Mum took the term “stuffed” toys a bit too literally.

8.30am
Time to leave for kinder! Mum asked me to go to the loo but I didn’t need to.

8.32am
As I was getting in the car I realised I was bursting for a poop so we had to go back inside. My poop took forever but, as I always tell Mum, these things can’t be rushed.

8.50am
Got to kinder and only five minutes late! It was great to see all my friends. My best friend Rory got some cool cars for his birthday and he said I could play with them.

10am
Rory kept scratching his bum so my teacher called his mum to ask if he had worms. I hope I get worms too but Dad said I can’t have any more pets after I overfed the fish and it exploded.

12pm
Opened my lunchbox only to be gravely disappointed. My sandwich was cut into triangles instead of squares, most of the food wasn’t yellow and the mandarin had pips in it again. Mum really needs to put her listening ears on. Luckily Rory had a banana and some cheese in his lunchbox so I shared with him.

4.15pm
Mum picked me up. I told her about Rory and his itchy worm bum and his awesome cars and his yummy lunchbox. When I told her that my bum itches too, she did her funny breathing thing and counted to 10 again. When we got home she gave me a chocolate square ("Have this Combantrin" or something) to make my bum worms go away. I’d prefer a pet bunny anyway, I’ll ask Santa for one.

4.30pm
Mum kept asking me what I learned at kinder. I told her I couldn’t remember because I was too tired to talk. Also, she forgot to put a jumper on me this morning so I froze my brain and it’s not working anymore.

4.45pm
Mum gave me some cheese. I think she’s finally understanding the yellow food thing.

5pm
Mum asked me to stay awake as it was nearly bedtime. I fell asleep on the floor of the playroom while watching Zootopia for the 105th time.

6pm
The substandard catering returned. Mum served up a yucky dinner of meat and veggies. Gross! She said I had to eat my dinner but I told her I’m not hungry.

7pm
Had a bath. Told Mum I was really hungry.

7.25pm
Mum asked if I wanted a drink of water before bed. I said no because I wasn’t thirsty.

7.30pm
Mum put me to bed but I couldn’t sleep because I was thirsty. Mum brought me some water but I still couldn’t sleep because I slept a lot before dinner and I wasn’t tired.

8.30pm
Not asleep.

9.30pm
Still not asleep so I started singing “The wheels on the bus go round and round”. I love that song, I think my baby brother does too because he woke up and started singing along.

10pm
Still not asleep. I’m definitely going to need a sleep-in tomorrow.

Mum says it’s Dad’s turn to look after me tomorrow. I bet he can’t wait to have a relaxing day off.

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