"I hate pregnant sex. The phrase even makes me squirm."

Pregnant sex.

The mere phrase makes me squirm a little.

Don’t get me wrong. I fucking love sex. Sex is basically excellent. It is super fun. I feel womanly and warm and delicious and… I mean, you know, right. It’s like the fuzzy haze you get when you have just one more glass of red wine than you really ought to, but without the nasty headache the next morning. (Sex during that fuzzy haze… don’t get me started. Is this too much information? Sorry.)

Sex while I was up the duff though? Not so excellent.

1. What the hell position do you go for?

I have some sympathy for the octopus having had pregnant sex. Limbs everywhere. Trying to work out which leg goes where while also making a vagina available for penetration is like taking a master class in human origami.

2. The second trimester sex fest urban legend?

Not so much. More like, I only just stopped vomiting on the hour. Get your hands off me.

3. You actually have to be in the mood.

There’s no wine to help you get there. No fancy cheese. No oysters. The only aphrodisiac available to you is chocolate. And you already scoffed the family block at lunch time. That means, you have find  the mood unassisted. This is the unicorn zone. Good luck to you.

Have you heard MWN’s Editor-in-Chief confess that she hated her pregnant body. You should. Right now. 

4. So many questions.

Is it safe? What should you put where? What should you NOT put where? Asking these questions is a minefield of dodgy google results. (Do not click on the image tab. Do not, do not, do not.) Frankly, the answers raise more questions than you started with. For example, when engaging in oral sex your partner should not blow into your vagina. Er, is that even a thing anyway? Have I been having oral sex incorrectly my entire life?

5. That one time you did it when you had spotting afterwards and you freaked right out.

That is an awkward phone call to the hospital. “Ah, hi. I’m 32 weeks and well, er, we just had, you know, SEX, and now I’m bleeding.” The very very bored midwife at the end of the phone snickers and tells you it’s nothing to worry about. Rock. Hard place. That is a phone call you 100% must make. That is a phone call that is 100% embarrassing.

6. Trying to get the baby out sex.

There is nothing as un-sexy as trying to get the baby out sex. 39 weeks and three days. You can’t put your own socks on, let alone get a penis into your vagina. But you’re so desperate to GET THE FREAKIN’ BABY OUT, that after your dinner of hot curry and pineapple (the world’s dodgiest induction fixes, by the way) you loudly announce, “it is time to have sex. Please remove your pants while I go and wee. I’ll meet you in the bedroom.

7. You feel a moment of sympathy for your long-suffering and overly horny partner.

But you’re tired. And as much as you’d like to help him out, starfishing it isn’t even an option because you have a bit giant pregnant belly in between you.

Did you find pregnant sex hot hot hot or as uncomfortable as a nun at a strip show?

Did you find this funny? We did, too. You might want to read…

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Put that crusty towel away, there’s a new after-sex wipe on the market.

The worst thing you can say to a woman wanting to get pregnant? Hurry it up.

The author of this post in known to Mamamia, however, has chosen to remain anonymous.