In Australia, one in four women has lost a baby.
Today I was busy whining about how sore my lower back was, how much my legs ache and how little sleep I’m getting – you see, I’m 39 weeks pregnant with a 17-month-old who’s been sick and not sleeping, so life isn’t that easy at the moment.
But then I read something that made me stop in my tracks, cry my eyes out and give myself a swift (metaphorical) kick to the head.
A mother had written to me about the loss of her baby boy at just six months gestation. First, she’d lost his twin earlier in the pregnancy, then due to a few serious developmental problems in utero her baby had to be born early even though they knew he wouldn’t make it.
Absolutely heartbreaking.
Every single day, everywhere around the world, expectant mums will feel their baby’s kicks, parents will listen to their newborn’s first cry and families will celebrate the birthday of a healthy baby. But in Australia, one in four women has lost a baby too.
This amazing woman had somehow found the strength to talk about her son’s death now, just a few weeks after it had happened, in order to help others who might be going through the same thing. You see, October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. This month parents and families across Australia will honour their babies who passed away from miscarriage, stillbirth or postnatal causes.
To lose a baby is an agonising heartbreak that no one should ever have to go through.
I had no idea what to say to her, except “I’m here”. There are no words that will comfort someone who has lost a child, and nothing you can do to help with the pain.
I feel so guilty – here I am, lucky enough to have a healthy and strong baby girl growing inside of me, and there she is in the depths of despair.
What we all can do, though, is support the cause and hold these parents in our thoughts.
And, as pregnant women, we can appreciate every last second of our own pregnancies.
Here’s my message to my baby girl – I’m so lucky you’re growing big and strong in there. I can’t imagine ever being without you.
For every kick, I will be thankful.
For every stabbing pain, I will smile.
For each painful step as I waddle around picking up after my toddler, I will be appreciative.
For every disgusting pregnancy symptom and sleepless hour, I will remember just how grateful I am.
For every single worry about giving birth, and the early days of being mum to two children under 17 months, I will count my blessings.
And throughout your birth, I will be strong, remembering this amazingly strong woman, her sweet baby boy and all the other parents who have lost a child.
What are you grateful for during your pregnancy?
If you or someone you know have experienced infant loss, you can find resources to help here.
Top Comments
Oh please. Having a hard pregnancy or experience of motherhood does not equate to being ungrateful for your your kids or your ability to have kids. We all need to be able to express our feelings when things are difficult- women who lose pregnancies or children, parents of seriously ill kids, mother's who have horrible pregnancies, emergency birth interventions, premature births, babies in the NICU and even parents who have had normal pregnancies, normal experiences of childbirth and parenthood.
Acknowledging our hardship does not diminish that of others, It is a healthy part of communication and can be important in the maintenance of good mental health.
It's really not a competition to see who can be in the most pain. Why must we always be told to minimise how we feel because someone out there has it worse? How would you feel if you were trying to conceive and I told you not to complain, some people don't even have a partner to try with, consider yourself lucky?
I had a truly, truly horrendous pregnancy, complete with whooping cough (yes, I was vaccinated, thank you), broken bones, pubic issues and host of other things which means I spent months in unbearable agony. If I was told to shut up and be grateful, you'd probably end up slapped. And yes, I know there's women that can't conceive. That doesn't mean I'm not entitled to voice my own pain, just as they do theirs. This constant stifling of women's voices, being told you shouldn't complain, is why so many women experience post partum depression - because we are told suck it up, someone else has it worse. Thank you for contributing to this and giving us, yet again, another thing to feel guilty about.
I'm sorry you can't conceive. Guess what, when you do actually conceive, that can suck too. So, so much. And no, I'm not going to apologise for saying it. Or feel guilty for the fact that I can get pregnant. Sadly, bad things happen - to all of us, not just you.
I too am currently experiencing a very painful pregnancy due to complications with endometriosis and SPD. Some days are agony. I have also lost a baby. The physical pain I am suffering will never come close to the emotional trauma / pain/ heartache of never getting the opportunity to cuddle your newborn I say whinge away of that is making you happy- but I sincerely hope you never have to experience this type of loss. I can completely identify with the author, all I can feel is gratitude through this pregnancy, despite the pain.