The Postman Pat fan theory that will completely ruin your childhood.

In today’s edition of “things you probably didn’t pick up when innocently watching ABC Kids in your youth” we bring you a spicy fan theory about everyone’s favourite red-headed postman.

And it’ll change the way you watch the show forever.

Remember Postman Pat? The lovable dude who pootled around in his van with his cat and delightfully British manner?

Just look at the cheery little fella:

And here’s the original opening credits if you’d like to have the theme song stuck in your head until the end of days. (Post continues after).

Well.

It turns out Pat might’ve been delivering much more than just mail from his sack (we’re… so sorry).

Many believe the unassuming postman was actually a bit of a ~playa~, who rolled around town offering an intimate service above and beyond that of the Royal Mail, complete with some, erm, powerfully dominant genes.

You see, Postman Pat is the only older, red-headed male in the town. He’s also extremely popular with the townsfolk… And he just so happens to bear a strong resemblance to every single child in the local school.

Yep – fans are certain Pat has populated the entire town of Greendale with teeny-tiny red-headed, long-nosed mail enthusiasts unbeknownst to the oblivious husbands among them.

We see you, Pat, you saucy, saucy minx.

The theory comes thanks to Twitter user Dinneen Dictionary, who certifiably blew minds across the whole damn world with his deduction back in 2016.

Behold his banger theory, in pictures:

Postman Pat is the ONLY red head in Greendale.

This is the village school.#PatMustard #HairyBabies pic.twitter.com/UbY19HHztp

— Dinneen’s Dictionary ???? (@AnDuinnineach) December 31, 2016

This is Jeff Pringle and his son Charlie.

OPEN YOUR GODDAMN EYES JEFF. pic.twitter.com/BeUn3vHUcd

— Dinneen’s Dictionary ???? (@AnDuinnineach) December 31, 2016

Oh, Jeff. You poor, poor soul.

While we were far too naive to have ever noticed this before, deep down we knew it couldn’t just be “birds singing” that made him so happy to be up at the crack of dawn.

No one is that much of a morning person.

Funnily enough, this isn’t the only Postman Pat theory floating around the internet.

It seems he’s a character shrouded in mystery and we’re here for the conspiracies even if this next one is… oddly dark.

A writer on Medium has suggested Pat is far too skilled for a normal postman, akin to that of a James Bond level of training (in the newer seasons, he flies an actual helicopter as part of the “Special Delivery Service”).

But what does it all mean?

Well, they theorise that humble mailman Pat Clifton is actually a military black ops pilot for the UK government in retirement after a mission went awry.

… Righto.

Postman Pat made headlines in 2016 when it was announced the voice of Pat, Ken Barrie , died aged 83 after a short battle with cancer.

Did you ever notice Pat’s resemblance to the children of Greendale? Let us know in the comments below.