'3 years after I split with my ex, I got a letter. Its contents destroyed my life.'

This story discusses financial abuse. 

Tahli* feels the term 'victim-survivor' glosses over just how much she has endured in the past four years.

It all stems from a relationship that began in 2012.

For six years, Tahli and her now ex-partner John were in a de facto relationship, living together at the home Tahli owned, along with her daughter from a previous relationship. 

"Before 2012, John and I had been dating casually on and off. When he moved in, I was in a pretty vulnerable place at the time — I had just been given some difficult health news, so when he suggested he move in, I think I was so overwhelmed by the health scare that I said yes," she told Mamamia. 

In 2018, Tahli ended her relationship with John. 

"Our relationship was always hard. He was never an easy person to live with. He loved to impress other people, and I figured he was harmless and lacked emotional intelligence. But he was selfish," she told Mamamia.

Just before their split, Tahli says her daughter was going through a tough time mentally, and her mum was unwell. Tahli saw John as someone else she had to look after, and the mental load of caring for a grown adult had become too much. 

So she asked him to leave.

Watch: Three women's stories of financial abuse. Post continues below.

"Things had dissolved between us. I asked him to move out and he refused to. He had actually previously threatened to take my home as a de facto partner if I made him leave. So he slept on the couch for a year before he finally left in 2019," said Tahli. 

Then everything came crashing down.

In 2021, Tahli was served with a Family Court order demanding that she pay her ex's tax debt.

She had no idea his money situation was so dire, nor did she know that he hadn't been paying his taxes for a number of years. The debt had accrued in his own name while running his sole trader business. 

"Two years after we had separated he had created the tax debt worth over $300,000 by lodging all of his outstanding tax returns dating back to 2010. He didn't disclose the debt until 2021 when he initiated court proceedings. This debt also increased between the initial application to the trial."

"It's a debt I didn't know about. And it's a debt far beyond my means and a debt that includes fines and penalties outside of our relationship period, dating back to 2006," said Tahli.

She feels his creation of this debt at the end of their relationship was purposeful. 

The only property available in the property settlement of this court order is Tahli's home. Therefore, her ex's entire debt has been applied to her home. In the eyes of the family court, they see a tax debt as a shared debt, as well as Tahli's house being his.

A large portion of the sale of her home will go to him on top of his tax debt amount.

"The court has assumed it's my responsibility to manage his finances. I have never ever felt so worthless in my life. One of the biggest players and enablers of this is within the Family Courts. This is something I cannot un-see. What I'm trying to do is channel this energy into advocating and raising awareness about the system failure." 

Tahli said she feels "legally violated", "entrapped" and like her 'autonomy has been relinquished'.

"Seven months prior to my mum passing away is when he served the documents on me, at my most vulnerable," she said. 

"He knew this. I've had to literally defend my life, my home, my business, my daughter all while grieving the loss of my mum. I'm worth less now than I was in 2012 when he moved into my home."

Tahli's house is not just her home. It also has a custom-designed studio space where she has run her own business for 15 years. This is her only source of income.

There are countless ways in which Tahli feels wronged by the system.

She said the Australian Taxation Office failed to notify her of the taxation debt, while knowing that she was in a relationship with John and knowing the family courts deem it a shared debt. 

She has also spent more than $150,000 defending her position in the Family Court, and was denied compensation.

Tahli is also devastated that the Family Court failed to recognise what she is going through as financial and economic abuse.

Sonja is the Founder and Director of Amity Place. The community support services that this organisation has provided to Tahli has been "a life send" she told Mamamia.

Amity Place has been running for almost two years now, and provides a range of support and services for anyone experiencing or who has been affected by domestic, family, sexual, and intimate partner violence and abuse and trauma.

The majority of those who provide the services have lived experience of abuse and trauma, and so they bring this knowledge to their work, said Sonja. 

"In many ways, all post-separation abuse is financial abuse and coercive control. Unfortunately, the current legal systems don't identify a lot of the covert abuse that happens post-separation, and the way the law is structured, means there are various loopholes and misguided people who allow the abuse to continue," she said.

In June this year, Tahli made her own personal submission (not anonymously) to the Parliamentary Regulatory Framework into Financial Abuse Inquiry. She hopes it raises awareness for how the system has failed her and so many other women.

In the coming months Tahli is facing the heartbreaking prospect of losing her family home. 

"That home has been my sanctuary, my business — it's where my daughter was born 20 years ago. She has now been deprived of her rightful inheritance, and she struggles to make ends meet on minimum wage. She had to move out of our home in anticipation of the sale."

She added: "My heart breaks for my child, who has had to witness the cruelty of someone they once trusted try to destroy their mother. This house is my past, present and future, and my legacy to my daughter. She's always grown up knowing this is going to be her family home and that it would be passed down to her one day. It's memories, connections, community."

Tahli's home has a mortgage on it. So although not all of the home's sale will go towards paying her ex's debt, it means a large portion of the funds left will have to be used on the mortgage. 

It leaves her very likely priced out of her cherished community, and in a position where she'll have to rely on government assistance as she's losing her business too. 

Tahli aptly described this as 'revenge debt', adding that it "deserves the same criminal recognition as revenge porn". Financial abuse is widespread, given it impacts one in six women and one in 13 men currently in a domesticated relationship. 

The emotional toll has been devastating.

"I want people to know that family law entraps everyone. I wish the judges would see the real impact of their decisions. It's the families left to cope with the loss, uncertainty and heartbreak. For a system that subjects families to this kind of trauma, it's not just broken — it's cruel."

*Tahli's name has been changed for privacy reasons. Her identity is known to Mamamia. 

If you would like to support her, Amity Place has launched a GoFundMe to help her during this difficult time.

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a national organisation that helps women, children and families move on after the devastation of domestic and family violence. Their mission is to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most. If you would like to support their mission you can donate here. 

Feature Image: Getty.