Sorry, men: your beard could be full of poo.

Image via iStock.

What’s the worst thing that can get caught in a man’s beard hair? That’s the thought running through many a woman’s mind these days, should she be pashing her local, grizzly-bearded hipster barista, or, say, her husband.

Surely food would be the most logical thing to get ensnared in beard hair. But what about poo? Yep, Action 7 News in the US swabbed a variety of men’s beards to discover that they were filled with faecal matter. Forget about that pirate, Red Beard; it’s Brown Beard we should truly fear.

Related: “I forced my husband to try my skincare routine, and I have the GIFs to prove it.”  

That’s right: the beards had tiny bits of straight-up poo lurking in there. Sure, there was some normal, healthy bacteria present, but there was something quite revolting festering in there, too. (Post continues after gallery.)

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Microbiologist John Golobic, who ran the tests, expressed his horror by saying: “I’m usually not surprised and I was surprised by this.”

He wondered aloud about the hygiene habits of the beard-owners.

“There would be a degree of uncleanliness that would be somewhat disturbing,” Golobic mused. He further clarified just how disgusting these beards were, by explaining that, if a city had similar bacteria samples in their water system, it would need to be shut down for disinfecting.

Hear that, boys? Shut that beard down.

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Yet, if you’re in a similar position to me, in which no amount of begging and bribery will convince your man to shave that beardy weirdy business off, then this advice from Golobic will prove helpful.

He suggests that men should wash and scrub their beards, and also thoroughly wash their hands.

Golobic also had this recommendation: “Try to keep your hands away from your face, as much as possible,” he said.

I don’t know about that one. Yes, it may be unhygienic to touch your face, but I was also watching my shame-crush, Scott Disick, stroke his beard on Keeping Up With The Kardashians yesterday, and it was an adorable and manly gesture. Don’t take that away from me, science!

It is also difficult to fathom how an attractive, intelligent and fully-grown man could possibly get poo in his beard.

I went straight to the source and asked proud beard-owner and husband of a crazy lady (okay… me), Jeffrey Charles, about this pressing issue.

“Poo could get on your beard if you’re super drunk while you’re on the toilet, and you confuse used toilet paper with a tissue,” he joked.

“But seriously, it’s super gross. I can’t say I’ve ever seen it. You could get poo in your beard if you’re wiping a baby’s bottom. Hipster Dad problems?”

Related: How to deal with constipation. Yes, we’re going there. 

Charles believes that there are clear upsides to having beard. “Biscuits are the best because they retain their taste and form while caught in your beard, and you can consume them hours later,” he informed me.

Do you think it would be bad of me if I went the full Delilah to his Samson, and shaved off his beard in the night? I mean, there’s the poo news and now this ridiculousness. What’s a girl to do?

Snip, snip, Jeff. Snip, snip.

Here's a hairstyle that also looks great on men: the half-bun.