'Pete Evans. I need your help.'

Diets are dead. Now, it’s all about the lifestyle change.

I have officially turned into my mother. Because every Monday morning I start a new ‘diet’.

It’s depressing that it’s come to this, because I, like every savvy woman in the known universe is aware that diets are bullshit, created to sucker us into a cycle of loss and gain that leads only to a puddle of tears next to those newly-purchased bathroom scales.

Diets are not cool, people. It’s all about lifestyle change.

But after another weekend slides by in a blur of party pies at kids’ parties, “treat” breakfasts and too much “just the one” wine swilling, I usually end up in a murky fug of self-loathing on my lounge on Sunday night, vowing to turn it all around on Monday morning.

Sisterhood, I’m sorry.

Which is why it was especially helpful when, last night, Pete Evans appeared on my TV screen to teach me about paleo.

Pete is no fool. He knew that if he caught me at a low moment, and used the conduit of Mike Willesee – trusted veteran TV journalist TM – to teach me the joys of caveman food, I would be lulled into a sense that my paleo future was a sensible and measured lifestyle choice, not only the preserve of gorgeous wellness bloggers with blinding teeth and mandolin abs, but something that can be adopted by real people, middle-aged people, you know, people with DAY JOBS.

Watch part of Pete’s controversial Sunday Night interview here. Post continues below.

It almost worked. Because Mr Willesee looked great after ten weeks on Pete’s paleo bandwagon. He rode it convincingly all the way to 5kg weight-loss, reduced cholesterol and Homocysteine indicators, and managed to happily avoid all the usual side effects, including orange skin and a pious tone. I was sold.

Mr Willesee also managed to keep quite the straight face when Pete told him that of course that pesky dietitian association didn’t agree with what he did, because they are sponsored by food companies, and compromised by the evil dollar. Pete and his mates, on the other hand, are only compromised by a desire to build an empire and become insanely rich by charging people to be educated in the evils of oats.

Totally different thing.

So now, I am starting my new life as a paleo, and I need your help, Pete. Because I noticed that Mr W had his food delivered to his door by your beautiful partner, Nicky, and had his morning workouts monitored by that shredded guy from MasterChef. And I’m thinking that maybe, if all of us wannabe clear-eyed goddesses could get that kind of love, your paleo revolution would sweep the nation even faster.

Because otherwise it’s kind of complicated. You see, you are selling us a diet that is so strict, lentils aren’t allowed.

Usually, on Mondays, I embrace salad like a long-lost friend. But today, the difficulty level has been turned up to 11.

On Planet Paleo, hummus is forbidden.

Natural yoghurt. Cottage cheese. Against the rules.

Brown rice – forget it.

Porridge – just a world of no.

Polenta – OUT.

In the name of all that is holy, QUINOA – banned.

Some of the foods you can’t eat on the paleo diet. Post continues below.

What you can't eat on Paleo.

No coffee. No alcohol. No soft drink. Absolutely, under any circumstances, NO BREAD.

And I’m a bit confused, Pete, because I thought grainy bread was good for me, but now it’s the devil. And I know I’m allowed avocado but what am I meant to spread it on?

Mike W feels my pain. Last night, he looked you in the eye and asked you, with remarkable restraint for a man who hadn’t eaten chocolate in nine weeks, why dairy is not allowed on the paleo diet.

“Dairy causes inflammation in a lot of people,” you said. And I believe you, because you have the bluest eyes I have ever seen. Those eyes have never told a lie.

But what is inflammation? And how do I know if I’ve got it?

And then Mr W asked you about the beans and the lentils and you told him that because beans made you fart, they were not allowed on paleo.

Which again, I found confusing, because I know cauliflower is a main staple of your diet, and I’m sorry, but too much cauli can really ruin the mood.

So, Mr Evans, I know many people are railing against you today. Something to do with bone broth and babies and dietitian’s tick awards and bias from the network that airs your mega-successful cooking show.

Whatever. I just have one question this Monday. Because I am being my mother and starting a new diet and feeling overwhelmed but I want sparkly eyes, too.

So seriously, Pete, could you just pop over and grate me a cauliflower?

What did you think about last night’s episode of Sunday Night?

For more, try these…

“I went Paleo and now I hate everything.”

Watch Charlie Pickering gleefully pick apart the Paleo diet.

Dear Pete Evans, babies are not guinea pigs for your ego-driven diet trends.