This is why you should watch My Kitchen Rules tonight.

No Pete Evans were hurt in the making of My Kitchen Rules, but they could have been.

Oh, Pete Evans. How the 1.5million fans of MKR love to watch him taste food prepared for him by the desperate contestants. Will he love it, will he hate it, will he spit it into Manu’s manicured beard? And now we know so much about Pete’s hardcore paleo personal food philosophy – that he won’t eat any grains, that he encourages us all to drink bone broth instead of coffee, and that he believes carbs cause autism – it’s even more fun.

So before you watch tonight, spare a thought for Paleo Pete – who is having to eat all kinds of foods he would NEVER touch in “real” life -and read this post written by a nutritionally-inclined humourist who is certainly NOT Pete Evans, and imagine Pete’s pain…

My Kitchen Rules (MKR) has started again and I couldn’t be more pumped. It’s going to be awesome, rad, totes ridic and activated amazenuts all at once. But it’s also going to be a terribly big shock – especially for everyone in my facebook tribe.

You see, since the last MKR I’ve gone fully paleo. And I’ve been telling anyone who’ll listen to ban dairy and grains from their diet as a way to cure everything from autism to Zuska’s disease.

Now, I’m definitely not saying I will kill any Australian who eats non-paleo foods – I think the army should be doing that – but if MKR contestants serve me up a delicious crème brûlée or even a crunchy dinner roll I will have to make a big decision; will I stick to my cave man principles or will I sell them out for my MKR pay cheque?

It’s a paleo paradox I’ve been calling The Money or the Bun.

Now most people would gladly have their cake and get paid for it too, but they are blissfully ignorant of the massive pain and suffering caused by the non-paleo provisions you’ll never see in my pantry.

You might also like: Eating clean isn’t about health anymore. It’s about shame.

So, like I do with all big decisions, I’ve drawn up a list of pros and cons for some of the more modern dishes I might have to confront:

1. Grilled fruit platter with pistachio and yoghurt dressing.

Pros: Juicy, fresh summer stonefuits are still in season. Nuts are permitted.

Cons: Shingles. Especially if the fruit was washed in fluoridated water.

2. Puy lentil salad.

Pros: High in dietary fibre.

Cons: Fitic acid, phietic acid, fydik acid… Acid

3. Filet mignon with green peppercorns.

Pros: Not many people realise beef is a great source of vitamin B21.

Cons: Is this meat grass fed? Are you sure? Was the grass organic? Was it alkalised first? Are you trying to poison me? Yeah, can I get a food taster on this show or what?

4. Acai palm tarte with cinnamon ice cream.

Pros: 90% of pseudoscientists and 100% of acai growers agree that acai is 110% awesome.

Cons: Adding a fancy ‘e’ to ‘tart’ won’t stop the wheat giving you bloating, miasma and unplanned pregnancy. Oh, and ice cream? I’d rather eat my own liver, with some fava beans and a nice chianti (but they’re not allowed either).

5. Triple chocolate cheesecake with espresso:

Pros: Ummm. I’m really struggling here. I guess if it’s made with coconut oil, it is a great source of flatulated fats?

Cons: Are you doing this on purpose? I bet you’re getting paid off by the big food industry. Bloody dangerous stuff.

6. Organic kale, acai, beef liver, Himalayan mauve salt and activated almond milk smoothie.

Pros: Perfect blend of actual superfoods. 110% paleo because it is exactly the same drink our prehistoric ancestors drank.

Cons: Freaking expensive.

7. Salad and cheese sandwich.

Pros: Do not eat this

Cons: Instant cancer. No bloody way.

Of course any canny contestant already knows that they won’t win if they serve up anything that is paleo verboten, so I probably won’t have too much trouble finding something to eat.

Want more?: Paleo diet explainer: What did the caveman have against potatoes?

But I am worried about the ethical pain of getting MKR pay cheques that are funded by the show’s non-paleo sponsors and advertisers. Some people have already raised this with me and I’d like to suggest a special MKR drinking game to get us all through this awkward hypocrisy:

Supermarket advertisement or product placement – 1 shot

Alcohol advertisement or product placement – 2 shots

Big food producer advertisement or product placement – 3 shots

Fast food advertisement or product placement – 4 shots

Pharmaceutical advertisement or product placement – 5 shots

Mensa advertisement or product placement – 10 shots

Green juice only, of course.

Not Pete Evans is someone who goes by the name ‘Pete Evans Caricature’ and also tweets at @peteevansnot. To read more of his musings, follow him on Twitter or read his blog.