Here are the five top reasons why we never have, and never will, have a magical elf in our house at Christmas time:
The Big Brother element
Using Christmas as a behaviour modification tool is fraught with potential problems. Research suggests there are long-term consequences of using rewards (and lack of them) as a form of discipline. Not only are they largely ineffective, in the long term anyway, they can also really undermine the chances of the child repeating the ‘positive’ behaviour again without either the same or a better reward.
Elves that report back to Santa, or come with reward stickers may create short term compliance over the run up to Christmas, but there is a very real chance that parents can be faced with problems in the new year when the elf and the threat of losing presents is no longer around.
The hypocrisy
Am I the only one who finds the idea of ‘a naughty elf’ who reports back naughty behaviour from children to Santa totally hypocritical, or at the very least incredibly confusing?
It’s OK for the elf to create all sorts of mayhem, break house rules, create a mess, get into things that they shouldn’t, but should the child do these things they would most likely be in trouble.
What sort of a messed up mixed message is that? On the one hand parents send the message, “You’re being watched, you do anything wrong and Santa won’t give you a present” and on the other “it’s OK for the elf to do everything that you’re not allowed to though, when the elf does it it’s ‘cute and funny’, but don’t you dare do it or we’ll tell Santa on you.”
Not reporting back to Santa doesn’t make this any better either, if you wouldn’t like your children to copy the behavior of the elf, then don’t set it up as a role model for them!
Listen: Holly Wainwright shares her elf’s adventures on This Glorious Mess.
Things that go bump in the night
How many children fear monsters, ghosts and other things that go ‘bump in the night’? Parents spend hours reassuring children that they don’t really exist, that they’re safe, that nothing is going to creep into their bedroom at night. Then along comes a freaky little doll that becomes possessed, but only at night when the child is asleep. The very thing we try to reassure children *doesn’t* happen.
Then we worry why they’re so freaked out the next time they have a nightmare. Harmless fun? I don’t think so. These things either exist or they don’t; mixed messages, just like the hypocrisy above, are confusing for children.
It doesn’t matter if the elf is ‘kind’, or the naughty variety mentioned previously, they still come to life at night and do things when the child is asleep.
Commercialism
Every few years a new parenting ‘must have’ comes along. These toys, sleep props, books and nursery items quickly develop a cult like following. Parents can quickly get sucked in, often feeling left out, or rather worrying that their children are left out if they don’t jump on the trendy train.
The truth is children miss out on nothing without an elf. Christmas is no less magical without them. Expensive products marketed to create Christmas magic don’t make Christmas magical, what makes it magical is the spirit, the love, the family, the hygge. (Post continues after gallery.)
We underestimate children if we think that they need us to create magical objects to inject this spirit into the holidays. When I was a child the magic of Christmas came from making my parents a card with a whole tube of silver glitter, a piece of tinsel wrapped round my head and tinfoil covered cardboard wings on my back in the school nativity, watching my mum set light to the Christmas pudding in wonder and hanging homemade decorations on the tree.
When did it get so complicated? We underestimate ourselves and the simple power of making peppermint creams or cards together, watching a Christmas movie, or reading a festive book with our children. These things are the real magic, magic is not expensive, magic is not a retro styled, expensive, smug looking spying elf. It is so much more simple than that.
Every time we pin our Christmas spirit hopes on a product we devalue what we, as parents, give to our children.
The pressure
The run up to Christmas is busy enough as it is for parents, do you *really* need to add another task to your list? Reaching the end of the day exhausted, ready to climb into bed only to realise, ‘Oh no! I forgot to do something with the elf!’
Remembering isn’t enough though. Oh no — not when your friend is outdoing you on their daily ‘elf escapades’ on social media.
Do you really want to feel like an inadequate elf organiser? Isn’t it be better to spend that time chilling out and trying to enjoy some Christmas spirit yourself?
Sarah Ockwell-Smith is a mother of four and a bestselling parenting author. Her books include ‘The Gentle Sleep Book’ and ‘The Gentle Parenting Book’. She blogs at http://www.sarahockwell-smith.com.
Find her on Twitter: @thebabyexpert and Facebook: @sarahockwellsmithauthor
Top Comments
Agree with this completely! I find the elf creepy. I also hate the whole "if you're good, you'll get presents" mentality. I don't think We should be teaching kids that the reason we do nice things or behave well is because we might get something out of it for ourselves.
A few points:
1. If you think a little elf moving around the house at night is too scary for kids then I sure hope you don't inflict on them the belief in an old man sneaking into their house at night, or a giant bunny skipping around their garden, or a tiny fairy coming for their TEETH!
2. Children will be children and sometimes children are "naughty" or rather cheeky and mischievous. As are (some) elves. So you laugh at the elves behaviour with your children without vilifying the elves, and then they help you clean up the mess, and they learn that an uptight mum and dad don't always freak over silly tomfoolery and come down on them like a ton of bricks.
3. Actually elves don't have to be expensive at all. You can get them on Ebay for less than the price of a cup of coffee.
4. Some people (including us) get their elves doing Acts of Kindness of leaving kindness activities for the kids. Oh the horror!
5. Elf on the shelf is as stressful as YOU make it. Which, coincidentally is the same deal for the whole of Christmas itself. I know, I know, shocking concept.
6. Elf on the shelf is no more oneupmanship than the Pinterest crafts some mums show off with or the intricately decorated bday cakes some mums post, or the homemade goodies others share or the hand sewn clothes another makes or the amazing school photo day hairstyles another mum is capable of. We're all good at and interested in some things more than others. If elf on the shelf is one mum's forte - or many - who are we to judge and why you bother feeling competitive?
7. For some children their Elf actually IS an integral part of the magic of their family's Christmas tradition. Ask the parents today whose own parents did it for them as a kid and who are joyfully carrying it on for their own children! There are many stories online of this very experience of handing on the torch, or Elf so to speak! This is a concept that has been around for generations ~ it just hasn't been the "in thing".
Don't hate something just because it's popular...