Many adult children of abusers continue to deal with ongoing abuse long after we have reached the age of maturity.
This post was originally published on Role Reboot and has been republished here with full permission.
The first time I became aware of adult children being abused by their parents was when I went on my fifth date with Ken, a guy I met when I was in Bible college. I was meeting his family for the first time at a bountiful and delicious Sunday dinner his mother prepared.
I was concentrating on getting a forkful of creamed peas into my mouth without disgracing myself when Ken’s head snapped back, and I heard the distinct and grotesque sound of bones and flesh colliding. For one second, he just let his head rest where his father’s punch had landed it, back and slightly to his left side. And then slowly, Ken steadied himself, wiped at the blood streaming down his face, and let his face fall into a stony mile-long stare.
Ken never looked me in the eye again, not that night, not the next day, not ever. And I understood why. I was now privy to his darkest secret, that as a man pushing 30 he was still a victim of child abuse.
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My stepfather had control over myself, my sister and my mother when I was growing up. He would exercise his control by using humiliation as a form of punishment. He would force me to wear a bib if I spilt food at the table, he constantly invaded my privacy which denied me the ability to keep my body and it's changes to myself. He would also withhold food and clothing and I remember being so angry at mum for allowing it to happen. He would degrade me for my school marks and strip away all my confidence, making me believe I was stupid. I left home at 17 but it didnt end. My mum left him and my sister stopped talking to him. It was with the support of my husband when I was pregnant with my second child that I finally told him what I thought. I never spoke to him again and it was the best decision I ever made. My relationship with my mother is peaceful but distant as I find it hard to forgive her for not protecting us from him. I am glad she finally got away, but she made no effort to leave until I left home. If you are being abused, get out and cease contact! Free yourself- its the best way to move forward with a much happier life!
My mother has emotionally abused me since my father died when I was 12. She used to make me feel awful about myself and this was mirrored in the choice of first boyfriend I had. When he hit me I left him only to remain at home with the emotional abuse of my mother. Finally after I got kicked out I stopped all contact with her for about 5 months until she begged me to see her again and told me she'd change. And the cycle continued - less because I was not in her home, but always constant. Until a few months after my 40th birthday when after another huge fight she told my 10 year old daughter that my "life was a joke". That was the turning point for me - I ended my relationship with her and 7 years on are still free of her. She has manipulated my other sisters so they don't talk to me or my 3 kids and my aunties, uncles and cousins have all sided with her and do not have any contact with me
Regrets? The only regret I have is that I was born into such an awful family and I was unable to love them and for them to love me back. I do not regret not seeing them and I am a much happier person without them in my life...
For all those people in emotionally abusive relationships - my advice is to GET OUT. You will be amazed how much better it is without them in your life