Real horror-scopes for parents.

Aries

Rising sea levels and stuff mean that Aries may begin to feel unappreciated, like most of what they do is behind the scenes. This is because of the gravitational pull between Mars and Jupiter and the fact that it’s true. Repeat after me, ‘I am the backbone of this family, without me no one would have clean undies.’

It’s also an important time to be putting boundaries in place this month, Aries. But do it slowly so to avoid hurt feelings. Tell your child that while you love the bonding experience of sharing a bath with them, you’d prefer they didn’t crap in it or tell the teachers at preschool about your untamed bush the next day.

Taurus

The moon has done a full circle which means it’s time to clean up.

Not in a metaphoric sense or anything meaningful. The kids have trashed the living room while you’re been reading this. There’s orange juice through your computer, poo on the walls and the baby is gnawing on a dog treat.

Later in the month Jupiter will move into the second phase which brings your focus back into the home. This means that everyone will have gastro which will see you housebound holding mixing bowls and buckets for people to vomit into. Be aware that your husband will naturally have it worse than anyone else and no one will care when you get it.

Gemini

Gemini’s may feel the need to enter into big decisions this month and you can blame the full moon, or the half moon or any moon, really. Normal functioning like reason and reasonable expectations may be compromised. Remember this before you attend a Thermomix demonstration at your friends house. It’s a $2000 blender that makes risotto.

Cancer

Around the 15th, you’ll feel a surge of energy which can be attributed to the sixth house of the solar charts. You’ll be inspired, motivated and ready to accept new challenges.

It’s probable that these will come in the form of craft or homewares on Pinterest. You’ll make the time to go to the shops, purchase supplies. You’ll visualise the newly created art in your home and get to work. After several hours and countless fuck ups, you’ll swear like a sailor, consume way too many glasses of wine and chuck the thing in the corner.

Leo

This month you really need to focus on your relationship. Try and talk to each other in real words rather than by using a series of well articulated sleep-deprived grunts. Plan some time out. Get a bottle of wine, order a pizza and sit beside each other on the couch looking at your phones. If you’re feeling really romantic, stick an emoji on his Facebook wall. Romance doesn’t just happen, it takes effort.

Virgo

Virgo’s are reminded this month of the healing powers of water. It’s all around and it's ours to be used. Your toddler knows the benefits of H2O and has been dipping your toothbrush in the loo and painting the walls with it for days. Serene.

Be aware of potential heartbreak early in the month Virgo’s. Someone left the freezer door open overnight and all your expressed breastmilk has defrosted.

Libra

Feeling pissed off at every little thing your children do? Relax and blame the planets. 

The gravitational pull has made it so that they have morphed from divine little beings to demonic anger monkeys. The tantrums will seem never ending. Warn your partner to tread carefully and remember, it’s frowned upon to call a child a ‘little arsehole.’

Scorpio

The patterns within your chart this week will see things come to a head within a group situation. It’s something that has been building for a while, gaining momentum (you were probably too busy changing nappies to notice) 

Likely it’s that frog-faced bitch from playgroup. She’s been telling everyone that you bought store-made cupcakes when you know full well that her little 'darling' is intolerant to all kinds of actual food. To appease the situation, stick a blade of grass in a patty pan and apologise for not having asked for a detailed list of his dietary requirements.

Sagittarius

By nature, us Sagittarian's are impulsive and stupidly optimistic at times. This is especially so this month due to the influence of Neptune.

Keep this impulsivity in mind if you’re about to name a new baby. ‘Wheatbag’ or ‘Wheelbarrow’ may sound like unique monikers for your new arrival but optimism will only get you so far (usually to the school gate when the taunts begin.)

Capricorn

You might feel like the tide is creeping up on you Capricorns, but open your eyes! It’s just a dream. The reality is that your toddler climbed into your bed at 4am and has pissed on your face.

Aquarius

Aquarius, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get the job done. We know you’ve been playing ‘find that smell’ behind the couch for weeks. Today’s the day.

Beware of visitors around the middle of the month. Not everyone has the best intentions. Your sister may be coming to town to ‘visit’ but she really just wants you to mind her kids while she gets hammered and has balls waved in her face at a Hen’s day. She’s not going to tell you her children have a cold either.

Pisces

It’s your season Pisces but because you’re a mum, no one cares. Celebrate by eating nutella off a spoon in the broom cupboard or playing on your phone a little longer in the loo.

The subject of money will come up at some point throughout the month, leading to some lengthy discussions. Stop adding yourself to home decorating groups on Facebook. You’ll only find yourself possessed to shop for shit you don’t even like.

So there you have it, what to expect this month, according to the stars.

*Please note, no psychics were harmed in the making of this post.