'It's hard to stop something like this defining you': Being the mum of a child with cancer.

Writer Hannah Mills had not long been back to work part time in a job she loved, when her youngest child, Kit, was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia.

"My husband, Ben, and I had just been congratulating ourselves that we were finally out of the parenting trenches," Hannah told Mamamia of the weeks just before Kit's diagnosis in August 2022.

"My daughter, Edie, was at school and Kit was enjoying his time at daycare. We had been through the toilet training, and toddler sleep issues were mostly behind us."

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After a long winter filled with regular viruses, Kit developed a cough and some nasty fevers he couldn't shake, and following a weekend of illness, Ben took Kit to the emergency department.

"It was a Sunday and they had to wait eight hours to be seen while I stayed home with Edie. The doctor on duty ran some blood tests that proved his white cell count was low and explained why his little body couldn't fight the succession of winter bugs. Initially we felt optimistic, but when doctors admitted Kit for a bone marrow biopsy to look further into his condition, we were worried.

"By Tuesday afternoon, Kit had been diagnosed with leukaemia and suddenly we were thrown into a whole new world. It was very overwhelming."

Kit was admitted to start treatment straight away and two days after his diagnosis, he began chemotherapy. 

"We were in and out of hospital a lot in those first few weeks. Kit experienced various side effects and stopped walking altogether. It was like having a newborn all over again.

"Thankfully, Kit responded well to chemotherapy and after a few weeks was classified as being 'standard risk' which determined how the rest of his treatment would play out. At that stage it still felt like a very long road ahead."

Kit in hospital. Image:Supplied. While caring for Kit and daughter Edie, Hannah says it was challenging trying to figure out how to carry on with life logistically. Their parents did not live close by and bills still needed to be paid.

"After three weeks of Ben and I being in hospital with Kit, we knew one of us had to return to work. Ben works in IT and as the primary income earner, he returned to work but from home.

"I was lucky to have a great friendship with my managers at the magazine I write for. As we didn't really know how Kit was going to be, I couldn't commit to any days or times at work. Even now, seven months down the line, I haven't been back into the office for a full day.

"This has been really challenging both of us as while I say to Ben I would love to go back to work, he misses out on being present for important appointments and feels the pressure to keep working while all this is going on. It's so hard."

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Hannah says that while Kit is through the most intense period of "frontline" chemotherapy, he still has regular hospital appointments and will continue to receive treatment until October 2024. To protect Kit, the family still has to keep living as if they are in a COVID-style lockdown. 

"After the initial shock and trauma of Kit's diagnosis, I feel like I am now in a reflective stage. Doctors told us originally that when we made it to this point, we could start resuming some more 'normal' family activities but it has been such a dilemma. 

"Kit is still having chemo and is severely immunocompromised. For this reason he hasn't been back to his family daycare and we've been avoiding crowds or seeing people in crowded spaces. And as we head back towards the cooler months, we'll have to worry about all the viruses again. 

"But Kit is four and often feels well. He loves to play and do all the normal four-year-old things, and he wants to see people, so it's tough.

"Every day we walk Edie to school together, which he loves. We try to find nice quiet parks to play in and in the afternoon we play back at home as he gets tired easily."

Trying to do anything without the kids has been almost impossible and even a recent birthday treat from her mum was a challenge.

"My mum got us tickets to see Elton John and came down to watch the kids so Ben and I could go out together. It was fun, but I was so worried about all the people and the large crowds. I just can't get sick! 

"I try to get out for a walk by myself every day, which is good for me, and an occasional coffee with a friend, but Kit is constantly on my mind." 

Ben, Hannah, Edie and Kit. Image: Supplied.

Hannah says that she has felt like a new mum all over again as she tries to find herself in and amongst her role as Kit's primary carer. 

"When I first became a mum to Edie, I felt like I had given up a lot of myself. It was summer and I remember being stuck at home covered in milk and sweat. There was a music festival on and as I was one of the first of my mates to have kids, I remember looking at all the social media pics and thinking, how can this be happening? My life had changed so much and yet everyone else was just getting on with things.

"It was a very slow climb back towards some freedom and work, and I felt the same after they diagnosed Kit. It was springtime and everyone was getting out to go to the beach, while our lives were mostly being spent in hospital or at home.

"I wondered how the world could just exist as normal when we are here? Initially, I shut down a little and didn't want to connect with anyone. As time has gone on, I have found making friends [by] sharing our experience with other families who have been through similar to be helpful."

After reaching out and making connections with others, Hannah says the next phase has been learning how to stop letting this huge experience define her.

"I know now that Kit's leukaemia will not just be with us for the next couple of years, it will be with us forever. It's hard to stop letting something like this define you. While it is Kit's journey, it is mine too. 

"It's a long road ahead and I don't really have any answers, but I know I need to talk openly and also start taking pockets of time for myself. I'm also hoping to work half a day per week soon. It wasn't ever just a job and it's not even about the money - it's about doing something just for me as writing is such a big part of who I am."

As the family attempt to claw back some normality, there will be many things to celebrate when 2024 finally rolls around.

"Kit will start school with his big sister next year, which he can't wait for. He might have missed out on a lot of the skills that come with regular daycare, but he has learnt many other new skills by spending so much time in hospital. He is really empathetic and curious about how things work, and he is still very sociable!

"We hope to plan some holidays again soon, maybe visit family in Tamworth, and next year we will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in October 2024, the same month Kit's treatment will end."

Hannah says that dealing with the stress of Kit's diagnosis and complex treatment process has taught her a lot about life. She no longer sweats the small stuff and instead focuses on the bigger picture.

"It has definitely changed me as a parent. Even little things like worrying about food and diet. We've seen medical staff give Kit these extremely toxic drugs and so I will not sweat if he wants to eat a cheeseburger! Of course I want our kids to be healthy, but it has forced me to let go of a lot.

"I remember the day that we got the news, thinking that there are all these little things that you stress about when you have kids, and I remember saying to Ben, 'I don't care if he sleeps in our bed forever, I just want him to come home.'

"As long as he's good, that is literally all that matters."

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles and to see photos of her outfits and kids, follow her on Instagram and TikTok.

Feature Image: Supplied.