EVERYBODY SSSSHHHH PLS.
The Oscars have started and we’re all here for precisely two reasons:
A. We’d very much like Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper to declare their undying love to one another on stage.
B. And we hope Bradley Cooper pees his pants a little…
Here are the five biggest moments from the 2019 Oscars:
Glenn Close turned up to the Oscars dressed as an Oscar. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
She was immediately handed to La La Land and then taken back and given to Moonlight. It was very awkward for all of us.
Nah.
The Oscars is actually trolling us.
You see, there's something eerily familiar about this year's Oscar set.
It's almost as if we've seen it somewhere before... perhaps on the head of the world's most powerful man. (Ahem, Donald Trump)
It's less orange and stiff and, erm, racist, but the resemblance is uncanny.
The Favourite is undoubtedly one of the best movies of the year.
It has an amazing cast, ridiculously good costumes, and the plot is equal parts engrossing and disturbing.
But there are also lots of bunnies in it and that's silly.
The bunnies are everywhere and right at the end of the movie (spoiler alert) they take over the screen and it's... unsettling.
When Melissa McCarthy came out on stage to present the Oscar for best costume design, she was wearing something hauntingly familiar.
It was a cape covered in small bunnies who would very much like to be embroiled in some kind of scandalous royal love triangle.
They have beady little eyes and it's not okay.
It finally happened.
Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper performed Shallow on stage.
They stared at each other in their eyes and also in their noses.
It was almost as if there can be 100 people in a room and 99 per cent of them won't believe in you, but one per cent will stare at you intensely from across a grande piano while millions of people watch on. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Bradley is no longer the shade of a piece of ham that's been left out in the sun for too long, but Lady Gaga would still very much like to lock him in her basement.
There was a lot of eye contact.
A lot of knowing glances.
By the end of it we're pretty sure Bradley just forgot he even had a girlfriend... and a baby.
Olivia Colman won the Oscar for best actress for her role in the weird bunny movie.
She told human Oscars statue Glenn Close that she was her idol, she genuflected in front of Lady Gaga, and then announced she would give anyone she forgot about in her speech a "massive snog" later.
Then she cried.
Her husband cried.
Emma Stone cried.
Lady Gaga cried.
We cried.
Until next year...
LISTEN: Are The Oscars Rigged? Hollywood correspondent Gayl Murphy and Film Data Analyst Stephen Follows break down where the dollars flow on the road to Oscar glory...
Top Comments
I haven't seen any mention of the win for the documentary about Periods. Like, 40 articles gushing over Gaga and BC, but nothing about the 25 year old woman winning an Oscar for a documentary covering one of the topics normally promoted heavily here.
Weird, no?
Hmmm, good point. I read an article the other day about a male Oscar voter who said he wouldn’t vote for that movie because it talks about periods and men don’t want to know about that sort of stuff. I believe the word he used was “icky”. Nothing about that anywhere either.
A day late, but seems they noticed your idea and wrote an article like the woke site that this is. Still outnumbered by stupid posts about Gaga and whatshisface, though.
I reckon the loveliest and real relationship on there was that of Olivia Colman and her husband