One in four couples stop having sex altogether after having kids. Lisa Mitchell writes that she never thought she’d be one of them. But now she needs some advice
Today I read that one in four couples stop having sex after having their children. Whilst many people would react with shock to this statistic, I am the one in four.
I never fully realised how much having children would change my relationship. Before babies, my husband and I were inseparable. We were one of those couples who were always touching. We’d eat dinner one-handed so we could hold hands across the table, even at home. Whenever we drove anywhere he would keep his hand on my knee. Touching was like breathing to us. When I fell pregnant, we became even closer.
Then my son was born.
It took a long time for me to recover from his birth. Twenty hours of labour segued into an emergency c-section. It took me a long time to recover, both physically and emotionally. My husband gave me plenty of space. He was busy taking care of all my external needs. He made endless trips to the chemist at all hours of the day and night, he made sure I ate, he held our son whenever I needed to take a shower or use the bathroom.
It’s not that we made the decision not to touch, we were both just so busy.
Once I recovered my husband approached me for sex and I felt myself shrink away from him. I was tired, uncomfortable with my body and full of self-doubt. How could I undress in front of him let alone have sex with him. I couldn’t even bring myself to have sex with him just as a gesture, to him. I was drained. I had nothing left to give.
Eventually, my husband stopped asking for sex. Our son just turned two and a half. We don’t talk about it. It’s the proverbial elephant in the room.
I’m not sure where we go to from here. I love him, I do. But I get all the love I need from my son and reconnecting with my husband just seems too hard. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
This statistic makes me feel better. At least I know it’s not just me. In fact, it’s a common problem.
How do you maintain your sex life after having kids?
Looking for new ways to rejuvenate your sex life? CLICK THROUGH this gallery for 65 tips that will help you along the way…
Sex basics: a sexy soak
Sex in the bath is fun but can be tricky. Try this: fill the bath halfway with water, then pour plenty of bath gel over each other's bodies.
Sex basics: good vibrations
Take turns with the TongueJoy Oral Vibrator (from blissbox.com).
Sex basics: play Twister...
...in the nude. And wet. It removes inhibitions and gets you in positions you wouldn't usually attempt.
Sex basics: a new angle
By placing a pillow under your bottom you're creating an orgasm optimum 26-degree pelvic tilt, which means maximum contact between his body and your clitoris.
Sex basics: keep it clean(ish)
Have your man sit on top of the washing machine while you have sex (you perched on top, with your legs wrapped around his waist).
Bedroom basics: Don't go solo with your vibrator
Only 25% of women climax through penetrative sex alone, so get your man to pleasure you with a sex toy while he's at it.
Sex basics: Talk dirty
Ask him to talk to you when he's going down on you. The vibrations from his voice and the unpredictability of it will make you come even quicker.
Sex basics: good taste
Feed your man cinnamon, cardamom, peppermint and lemon if you're planning to give him oral sex. It'll make his semen taste nicer.
Sex basics: no deep diving
Make him stay at the shallow end to make sex better for you.
Sex basics: bad taste
And don't let him near garlic, onions, curry or asparagus - all these foods will make his semen taste unpleasant.
Use Chinese herbs and tonics
For centuries the Chinese have used herbs and tonics to enhance their sex lives.
Sex basics: pearls for him
Convince him to buy you more jewellery by masturbating him with a string of pearls.
Sex basics: he nose it
Ask him to use his nose when he's going down on you. Most men genuinely love the smell of a woman and the nose makes an excellent clitoral stimulator.
Sex basics: take to the road
If you enjoy outdoor sex, try this: take a drive to the country, open the car's sunroof and perch yourself on the edge of it, with your legs dangling down i
Sex basics: get experimental
Spice up your sex life by doing it in the cupboard under the stairs - seriously.
Sex basics: get dizzy
Have sex on a swivel chair to make sex really exciting.
Sex positions: limber up!
Make your man feel bigger inside you by placing your legs over his shoulders when having sex in the missionary position.
Sex basics: go red
Colours create a sexy mood. Red, dark blue and violet are the three most erotic colours. And the least erotic?
Sex positions: give him a squeeze
Lie face-down on the bed and invite your man to lie on top of you, keeping his legs outside yours.
Sex positions: the tuck
Sit on top of him with your feet tucked in tight either side of his bum.
Sex positions: doggy revisited
Make doggy style work for you.
Sex positions: sexy spoons
Get extra clitoral stimulation in the classic 'spoons' position with a simple body twist.
Sexual appetite: scream for ice cream!
Make oral sex better for you and for him with some ice cream.
Sexual appetite: crush a grape
Chill some grapes in the freezer for at least 20 minutes.
Sexual appetite: get your greens
Peel two thirds of a reasonably sized cucumber (make it organic, you don't want pesticides on your skin), and leave in the freezer for 40 minutes.
Sexual appetite: getting fruity
Forget unwieldy ice cubes for adding sensation to oral sex - pop a mouthful of frozen berries or tropical fruits in your mouth instead.
Sexual appetite: minty fresh
Take turns pouring minty alcohol into your belly buttons, dipping your tongues and tracing shapes around each other's bodies.
Sexual appetite: chemical high
Forget the old sex and chocolate recommendations - cheese contains more phenylethylamine, the chemical that gives you that chocolate 'high'.
Sexual appetite: plain and simple
If you still prefer chocolate, make it plain rather than milk.
Sexual appetite: start the day the right way
To get him ready for sex in the morning, make him cereal with chopped apple and almonds - both have high levels of phenylethylamine, which will
Sexual appetite: what a pear!
Eat avocado to get in the mood for love. It's loaded with the feel-good, pleasure-intensifying substance, phenylethylamine.
Sexual appetite: break open the bubbles
Take a swig of champagne before going down on him.
Food and sex: getting fresh
Most people know that mints can make oral sex even better (and is handy for freshening breath, too), but did you know that M&S's Curiously Strong Mints a
Fire up your foreplay: get rough
Don't be too gentle when you're giving him a helping hand.
Fire up your foreplay: going deep
Men do love the sensation of their penis deep inside your throat. Why?
Fire up your foreplay: the big O
Licking his penis like a lollipop is fine for foreplay but, if you're trying to get him to orgasm, he needs some friction.
Fire up the foreplay: enjoy yourself
Don't get stuck on sucking him - there's nothing worse for a man than if a woman is 'working' too hard when giving fellatio.
Fire up the foreplay: sweet music
Sing to him while you give him oral pleasure.
Fire up the foreplay: exploring unchartered territory
Explore his nether regions more fully.
Fire up your foreplay: watch the pros
Watch porn. A recent survey found that women are just as aroused by watching erotic films as men.
Animal behaviour: go ape
Go ape to improve your sex life. Gorillas may have tiny penises (less than 3cm long) but they make up for it with hours of arousing mutual grooming.
Animal behaviour: have a nibble
Seals bite each other during sex and it seems there's good reason for it.
Animal behaviour: make him unstoppable!
Tease your man into training by telling him about the male giant water bug.
He says:
'When my girlfriend's on top, she sometimes does this extra-special move: instead of moving up and down, she does a figure-of-eight swivel with her hips.
He says:
'I met this girl last year who kept a bottle of vodka in the freezer.
He says:
'I love it when a girl stimulates me with her hands while she's standing behind me.
He says:
'There's nothing better than having a girl wrap her legs around you, locking her ankles together.
He says:
'I just love it when a girl keeps some of her clothes on during sex - skirt, shirt or, better still, boots or stilettos. It makes it feel illicit - and so arousing.'
He says:
'My girlfriend loves going down on me while I'm still soft. It really turns her on to think that she can make me hard with a few flicks and twists of her tongue.
He says:
'After my partner had our second child, she did pelvic exercises to strengthen her vaginal muscles. A few months later, the sex was better than ever.'
He says:
'The best oral sex involves more than a mouth and tongue.
He says:
'My wife's just had a baby, so sex feels different now.
He says:
'Penetration isn't essential for a great orgasm. An ex-girlfriend of mine used to sit on top of me, with my penis flattened against my stomach.
He says:
'My girlfriend ties a stocking around the base of my penis before it's erect. Then she licks me till I'm hard.
He says:
'I get embarrassed by the idea of my wife tying me up, but sometimes she simply holds me down by the wrists.
He says:
'When performing oral sex, put your tongue inside her vagina and move it around before taking it out, and licking upwards, kissing and gently sucking the clitoris as you go'
He says:
'We've got a mirror in the wardrobe next to our bed, and I just love it when my girlfriend's on top with her back diagonally on to it.
He says:
'When I go down on my girlfriend she lies on her side with one foot flat on the bed and her knee bent, and I lick her side-on, rather than lengthways.
He says:
'My girlfriend and I cover ourselves in baby oil, then once I'm inside her she lies flat on top of me.
She says:
'When my partner goes down on me I love him to do a "come here" signal very slowly with two fingers inside me, especially if he's gently licking my clit at the s
She says:
'Set the scene by dressing-up in sexy underwear, light candles and put on some soft background music.
She says:
'My partner and I like it if, during foreplay, I masturbate him to the point of climax and then move straight on to sex.
She says:
'I get great clitoral stimulation when my partner lies on top and slightly to the side so I have one leg up slightly and bent, and the other flat.
She says:
Dare to go bare with a Brazilian wax. 'At first I felt a bit naked, but my boyfriend was so turned on that it made me feel sexier.
She says:
'Ban your hands! Explore each other's bodies with your nose, tongue, lips, hair, knees, toes - you'll be amazed at how sensational it feels.'
And finally...
Pick your favourite bits from this gallery and read out some of the suggestions to your partner.