Listen to this story being read by Shannen Findlay, here.
Once upon a time, I was convinced my future involved Harry Styles in it.
He would be my boyfriend, and I would be the greatest thing that ever happened to him.
I imagined our meeting would be casual. And he would chase me, obviously. I’d ask him to leave me alone because I’m not like other girls, and he would tell me I drive him crazy.
Our love would be immense and passionate, and we'd live in a large mansion overlooking a private lake. We would be humble but also absurdly wealthy and famous and again, very in love.
Life would be good. Too good. Perfect, even.
Watch Harry Styles performing As It Was, live from Coachella 2022. Post continues after video.
Of course, none of this happened. Shockingly, Harry Styles has absolutely no idea who I am.
That's the sad, sorry truth. And as it turns out, there are actually many truths around my fictional relationship with Harry that make me question why I was allowed to use the internet at all.
From writing horrific fan fiction online to fantasying about fringes, here are the 10 home truths I so desperately wish I could tell to my younger self about being an extreme boyband fan.
1. Fringes will not always do something to you.
You don't know the word yet young grasshopper, but what you're feeling is something called arousal, and it is totally normal. These fluttering feelings are generated by every move they make, every lyric they sing, and every flick of their floppy fringe.
You won't find them attractive forever, but in your 2013 world, haircuts with fringes are the only hairstyles that matter.
It will take you approximately three years (and a shock haircut by Harry) to grow out of this phase.
2. Sometimes you’re not in love, you’re just horny.
Believe it or not, you're quite hormonal at 15 years old.
Take a cold shower and walk it off, and understand that you are not in love with those boyband members – even though you're sure they are the only people in the world who could understand you.
...This brings me to my next point:
3. No one else on this planet could understand you less than a 23-year-old male celebrity.
You'll call me stupid and tell me I don't know anything, but in a few years, you'll realise I'm right.
I'm no misandrist, but men are just men and boys are definitely just boys. They're not some ominous being capable of reading your thoughts and being the partner of your dreams. They smell and have weird habits and more often than not, they do not like you.
So, I say this with complete sincerity, get a grip, mate.
4. Your fan fiction is really, really bad.
I need you to know the 300 views you got meant nothing because the self-hatred you feel now will always outweigh the gratification that coursed through your body from the stories you had the audacity to publish.
I won't share it with anyone, mostly because it is lost in the internet abyss and I've forgotten the passwords to my Wattpad and Quotev accounts – but just know, they're very bad.
6. You are a wonderful person, but you are also 15 with a bad haircut. Humble yourself.
Need I say more?
7. You are not unique.
Sorry babe, but every other girl your age is also reading that raunchy fan fiction they're not supposed to at 2am. You're all crying to the same songs and dreaming about the same boys and mulling over the same first-world problems.
You'll learn this sooner or later, but the human experience of swooning over a boyband boy is not a unique one. It's quite universal, actually.
Want to know more about my boyband obsession days? Well lucky for you, I spoke about it with Mamamia's Holly Wainwright on Lowbrow. One story, two generations, so much WTF. Post continues after audio.
8. Famous male celebrities in boybands do not actually care when you boycott them.
Harry Styles dating Taylor Swift does not mean you should strike out against One Direction's "management" to prove a point.
Also, celebrities have lives too, yanno? Please let them LIVE IT.
9. You'll forget your password to every single Twitter account, but you'll survive it.
To my employer, future partner and incredibly nosy friends, I know one google search will bring up every Twitter account under mine and my father's name (I used his email without permission I think – sorry dad).
I know it's embarrassing that I called Niall Horan "stupid" for not tweeting me back and that it is ignorant that I misused the term "spirit animal" at 14 years old.
I promise you, I'm so, so aware.
But I can't remember the passwords (or email addresses) to get back into at least four of those accounts and now I have to live with the shame.
I'm sorry.
10. Your boyband days are incredibly sacred but mostly just shameful.
There are moments in life we will never relive again. The last day of high school, your 16th birthday, moving out of home for the first (and probably the last) time. They’re all significant. Each moment defined you in some way, and so did your boyband obsession days.
You may one day think that era is shameful (and it is) but who would you be if you hadn't dedicated a portion of your teenage years to a bunch of men that didn't give a s**t about you?
You can't change your past but you definitely get a say in your future and believe me when I say it little one, you've got a lot of work to do... So get to it.
For more from Shannen, you can listen to her on Lowbrow with Holly Wainwright, here.
Feature Image: Supplied / Getty.
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