You need to see the Christian film version of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Imagine if Fifty Shades of Grey had no kinky sex. Actually – no sex at all. No kissing. No hand-holding. No touching between members of the opposite sex. Just good old fashioned… romance?

Well, that’s what they’re calling it.

A conservative Christian film alternative to Fifty Shades of Grey is going to be released in the US on the same weekend as the highly anticipated bondage extravaganza. It’s called Old Fashioned, and it follows the story of two people who fall in love via a whole lot of longing (but always appropriate) glances.

So what does romance look like when there’s no funny business allowed?

Well, there’s lots of romantic shots of feet almost touching:

There’s lots of appropriate kiss-free activities like walking and reading:

And sitting and reading:

There’s a lot of getting advice from Grandma:

There’s some close-up shots of romantic leaves:

There’s a bit of sitting on a swing and staring pensively into the distance:

And then, FINALLY, there’s some actual male human on female human contact:

So, the not-at-all confusing message this puts out there is that your relationships can either be full-on bondage Fifty Shades-style sex romps, or no-touching-allowed Old Fashioned-style romances.

THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND.

So, here’s the trailer for Old Fashioned (otherwise known as Relationship Option A):

And in case you haven’t already watched it 7 times, here’s the trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey (otherwise known as Relationship Option B):

So, which are you: Sex maniac or chaste romantic?

Must read: Mia Freedman has a reminder to anyone who is outraged over Fifty Shades of Grey

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