Forget side vag, the horrifying new swimwear trend is vag... tape. And we can't look away.

Excuse me.

But I have concerns of the utmost importance.

On day five of New York Fashion Week, models were sent down the runway by the Black Tape Project, an experimental fashion label, in swimming costumes made exclusively out of duct tape.

This would be fine except it’s not at all.

Two years ago, the side vag asserted itself as a fashion trend for reasons that were never made entirely clear.

Brave women wore high slit dresses that revealed either side of their mons pubis - a part of the body we previously did not know we had. And we liked it that way. 

There were no stray pubies. There were no ingrown hairs. There were no unusual post-wax rashes or itchy bumps.

Kim Kardashian even adopted the trend, being very careful not to step to her left or her right without commendable concentration, lest a labia majora fall out.

You never go full labia majora. 

 

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Tonight

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Sep 17, 2016 at 9:27pm PDT

But this year we're edging there and we need to pause.

Tape is covering the bresticles which is problematic in and of itself, as one worries whether tearing it off will result in the erosion of a nipple or two.

Of course, perhaps you could just stick it back on with duct tape but it's not the same. 

But it's the nether regions that trouble me the most.

What if an adult woman, who has presumably been growing pubic hair for upwards of a decade, missed one. 

The process of removing the duct tape would be traumatising and I don't want that for my fellow women.

What if one's labia minora extends beyond the labia majora, as is extremely common?

Will the duct tape peel the inner lips off with it? What if a woman would like to retain her vulva for future use? What if she would like her labia minora to roam free and see the world, to feel the wind in its... crevices?

What if one has a mole? Of the protruding variety? Doctors, as far as I'm aware, do not recommend removing moles with swimwear duct tape as it could bleed and get infected and then you get sepsis.

Oh, no.

What if a woman has her period and is wearing a tampon and THE STRING GETS ATTACHED TO THE DUCT TAPE. And then when the designer peels her free the tampon is removed at an uncomfortable angle?

How unpleasant.

The process of choosing a swimming costume is traumatic enough without concerns regarding the involuntary removal of one's labia minora.

Of course, a woman can wear whatever she pleases.

But this. This is an OH&S issue. And I for one shan't be standing for it.