Over cocktails the night before my good friend’s wedding recently, a fellow rehearsal dinner guest casually asked how long I’d been dating my boyfriend, who was dutifully fetching me a glass of wine at the time.
“We met nine years ago,” I said. “And we’ve been dating seriously for six.”
Immediately, the half-drunk bro grabbed my left hand. “No ring?” he said, as if it were his place to undermine my long-term relationship with two slurred words and a pitying smirk because (OMG!) I wasn’t yet betrothed.
What a fool! his expression said. Poor girl’s being strung along by some dude who’s never going to pop the question.
For the record, my boyfriend is the opposite of the commitment phobe my naked ring finger might suggest. The man refers to me constantly as his wife—to waiters, customer service representatives, friends, and family—because the word “girlfriend” sounds ridiculously insufficient to him. Plus, he’s definitely proposed on a few occasions (when he was a tad buzzed, maybe, but also because he was maybe serious), and I’ve always politely declined.
Listen: Frances Abbott is engaged to her fiancé after knowing him for two weeks. How soon is too soon? Post continues after audio.
It’s not that I’m not madly in love with my boyfriend (I am), or that I don’t plan on spending the rest of my life with him (I do). The simple truth is, I give exactly zero fucks about the institution of marriage.
If only I’d responded to that prying guy with some smart, dignified comment that at once put him in his place and established that I don’t aspire to be married—ever.* Instead, I faltered over my next few sentences, mangling some version of the response I always give in such situations:
“He keeps proposing, and I just keep saying no…Plus, if we get married, I know someone will force me to have a wedding, and I hate being the center of attention…I’d rather keep the cash than throw a giant party I’d probably want to Houdini from around midnight anyway.”
Top Comments
Love this article.
Similar situation. Utterly devoted to my partner of over 10 years. Happily unmarried.
Other people seem to take issue with our situation, not us. It seems to confuse people.
Traditions and norms seem to be hard wired in most. I’m happly bucking trends.
Each to their own.
Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. There are a lot of excuses for not getting married and frankly they ring with a fear of breaking up and fear of commitment. Sorry but dating someone for years on end who has repeatedly proposed to you says a lot, not that you are fine with commitment, but that you are terrified of it, and that it will forever change your relationship. You also sound like if things go sour, which you seem to expect, you want an easy out.
So you don't want to have a big wedding or reception, no one is holding a gun to your head, forcing you to do so. Have a small civil service and tell people later, or don't it's up to you. If you are living together, share the household responsibilities, and bank accounts, then guess what? You are essentially married and you did it already short of making that final commitment.