"5 things I wish someone told me before I had a baby."

There are infinite truths about motherhood. But these I wasn’t prepared for.

I was chatting to a friend over tea recently. Our first babies are now five, and six, respectively. As we talked, we realised there are some things about motherhood that no-one tells you when you are a glowing, watermelon-shaped goddess. But maybe they should. Maybe, if we knew some of the things we know now, things may have been easier, in many ways.

There are infinite truths about motherhood, and of course one person’s truth is not necessarily another’s. But these are things commonly talked about over cups of tea among parents I know.

1. Happiness is not always the first emotion that comes after having a baby.

I’ll never forget the realisation that dawned on me, Day 3 of being a new mother. I was staring at my crying baby the change table. Tears were running down my face. I missed me.

Although I had spent a lifetime wanting to be a mum, now I was here, I wondered if it actually was the place I wanted to be. From this moment on, I realised, I would have to worry about someone other than myself. I was suddenly so responsible. And I wasn’t sure that was a good thing.

In the first few months of having a baby, a lot of women I know experience what they describe as grief for the person they used to be.

They mourn going to cinemas alone, at any hour they please. They mourn their once taut bodies, and the most inane activities, like being able to go to the toilet when they like. They mourn the way their relationships used to be.

Post-natal depression is a common experience after having a baby. Many mothers don’t have a clinical diagnosis of depression, but they too experience deep sadness.

I wonder if by knowing that most mothers struggle as they come to terms with their new station, new mothers would feel less guilty about this experience.

2. Many children have trouble going to sleep.

I occasionally walk past a sleeping baby in a pram and think, Wow. That’s amazing. I can’t tell you how many hours I spent bopping around with a baby on my chest, trying to get her to fall asleep. I rocked, bobbed, swayed. I still spend at least an hour most nights with one child wriggling on one side of me, fiddling my ear as she tries to go the sleep, while the other squiggles and squirms on my chest, legs, head – wherever is least convenient and comfortable.

I dearly wish my kids were wired a bit more like me in the sleep department. I hit the pillow, and am asleep.

My kids aren’t malicious, or naughty – they just have trouble getting to sleep. And I know lots of kids do.

And while we are on the topic…

3. Every kid is different.

Comparison is the thief of joy, so they say. And comparing your kid to someone else’s kid who creates Da Vinci-esque masterpieces at the age of two is not happiness. It’s pointless.

I really didn’t think I would be a helicopter-type parent {and I am mostly not}, but I do find myself lying awake at night, worrying about one or both of my children because they aren’t doing as much as so and so, and they are thriving less than so and so, and they really should be doing this and that by now, shouldn’t they?

For years, people have been telling us to put our older daughter into the water, and get her swimming. She did not want to. Wouldn’t have a bar of it. But we knew her.

At five-and-a-bit, she’s suddenly diving and swimming under water. She needed that extra time. Every kid is different. And some take longer than others to reach certain milestones. So maybe…

4. If we can hang in there for an extra month or so, your child will get there in the end.

All these milestones. Steps. Points our children are expected to reach. Starting to crawl. Eating solids. Toilet training. Starting daycare. Starting preschool. Reading. Writing. Starting big school. Etc.

At 6 months, my baby was apparently ‘not normal’ because she was not sleeping every two hours for two hours. What? When I ran this by my mother’s group, it seemed that all our babies were ‘not normal’ according to this weird rule.

With these milestones hanging over us, it’s tempting to want to reach them at the ‘normal and desired’ time.

With my first child, we rushed head-on to meet the preschool goalpost. But at 3, it was too early. My child was labelled with ‘separation anxiety’, but my gut told me had we left it six months, or even maybe twelve, she might not have cried so much when we left her in care.

With my younger daughter, I am less focused on milestones, and more focused on our rhythm together. She’ll go to preschool when she’s ready. When we are ready. Not when some book or other tells us she should.

Last week, my older daughter not only learnt to swim, she learnt to write. For the longest time, I have been wondering why she didn’t recognise letters. It was strange to me – her vocabulary is so rich. She can understand so many subtle, complex things. But letters were beyond her.

Then, for whatever reason, something clicked over, and she got letters. She suddenly wanted to practice and recite them over and over. She’ll spell out words, and try things out. It’s exciting. But I don’t think I could have pushed her into this.

Everything I have tried to force, like getting a child to sleep or hold a pen correctly, has back-fired. What I have got better at is patience. Patience and persistence.

5. Parenting changes you in ways you don’t expect.

It’s inevitable, really. You birth a watermelon. You lose the ability, and the opportunity, to sleep more than three-hour stretches at a time. You no longer know what it’s like to shut the door when you pee.

But it’s the character changes that have floored me.

Yes, I can be slightly more grumpy, and highly strung thanks to whiny kids, and a heightened sense of responsibility and potential failure. But on a regular old day, I am just hanging with my kids, talking in a gentle, kind voice, which feels good.

I am more creative than ever before; inspired by my kids, mainly, and by the flexible hours I now work.

I am more patient, and more persistent {generally}.

I am less selfish. For me, that’s changed the way I feel too. Being less self-focused has meant I am happier. I focus on daily activity, and the needs of others, rather than my own. For me, at least, it works.

So these are some of my truths. What are yours? Do any of these ring true for you?

Want more? Try these:
The one thing no one talks about when a new baby arrives.
16 things no one told you would happen after childbirth.

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