I’m on a diet. This is what is happening.
As I sit and write this, I’m sipping a smoothie. According to My Fitness Pal, it only contains 257 calories. This is excellent because also according to My Fitness Pal, I must consume less than 1200 calories a day in order to lose 800 grams per week, which means I will be four kilos lighter by February.
So yes, I’m being sucked into the dungeon of the downtrodden who’ve failed over the festive season and eaten one too many slices of plum pudding. Consequently, my once loose denim jeans, now look like they’ve been applied to my posterior like spray paint. Extensive global research indicates you’re probably feeling the exact same way and there’s a bucket load of money to be made out of our misery.
The good news is, my smoothie is delicious! It has watermelon, low-fat yoghurt, a shot of coconut protein powder, some berry flavoured alkalising thing my PT recommended, strawberries and kale.
If you’re media savvy, or you’ve just been alive the past three weeks, you’ll have noticed every magazine and lifestyle website contains a diet that will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Apparently, we women aren’t feeling rotten enough about ourselves already, so an onslaught of new diet tips should suffice, oh and up the pressure for us to be ‘perfect’.
There are multiple mutations of the Paleo diet kicking around. It’s easy too: you just have to ditch dairy, processed foods, sugar, carbohydrates and anything else remotely tasty, and you’ll be on the Victoria’s Secret runway in no time.
If you’re wanting something a little less intense, you could try the ‘Only Eat Ice Cream’ diet. I kid you not. THIS is a THING. The trick is, whenever you eat, you must also be walking. No cookies and cream on the couch, that’s cheating. But inhale some salted caramel gelato, and as long as you’re on the move, you’re on your way to Thin Town. Um…