'Yes, you can still be sexy.' A GP on the most common new-mum worries.

Dr Preeya Alexander is a busy GP, television presenter and author of Eat, Sleep, Play, Love. As a doctor, she consults with a lot of new mums who share very similar worries and questions and as a mum-of-two, she can empathise with all of it.

"I think knowing what is 'normal' is one of the biggest challenges of parenthood," Dr Preeya tells Mamamia.

"Mums get handed their newborn, who is completely dependent, and have no idea really what the 'normal' spectrum is. What you're meant to worry about and what you're meant to let go through to the keeper.

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In her clinic, Dr Preeya says that the new mums she consults mostly need reassurance and that there are a lot of shared concerns.

1. Am I doing this sleeping and feeding thing right?

"Some of the most common questions I get from new mums is about sleep," Dr Preeya tells Mamamia.

"Sleep deprivation is so hard, and I thought I used to 'get it' as a junior doctor working night shifts before I had kids. But then I had my first baby, and I had this epiphany as I struggled with the emotion of being permanently exhausted and emotional from lack of sleep.

"Luckily I had some help from my husband Will who is a surgeon. He could get up in the night and handled the sleep deprivation much better than I did."

Dr Preeya says there is no 'single right way' to do the sleep and settling business and while she goes into great detail in her book about different settling techniques, sleep safety and myths, she advises mums to seek help as early as possible if sleep deprivation is untenable.

Another thing new mums commonly worry about is feeding.

"There's milk feeding, breastfeeding support, how to choose a formula and how to transition to solids. As a GP I do a lot of simply removing the stigma for patients in this space and providing reassurance. Because there's still so much unnecessary judgement."

In her book, Dr Preeya writes that the solutions to most of these feeding issues come down to working out what is right for you.

"As a GP, it’s my job to support my patients in whatever they choose: what works for them, their family and their baby.

"Whatever you decide to do, find a health professional – a midwife, maternal child health nurse,lactation consultant, GP or paediatrician – who will support you without judgement or shame."

2. I feel so anxious about my baby's health.

Since the pandemic began in 2020, Dr Preeya says she has had to do a lot more counselling around health and sickness anxiety. 

"Parents are really worried, particularly with winter coming and the rise in cases of influenza and COVID. Parents ask me about what can they do to protect their babies. They are scared of their infant contracting an illness but also scared for vulnerable family members and the stress of what happens if their child is sick and they can't send them to daycare. 

"It has huge repercussions for the family because parents have these regular discussions about 'who is having the day off from work' and it's constant and exhausting. While the stress is undeniable, if parents have concerns about their baby's health, they should always go to their GP."

3. Who am I now? And where did my sex drive go?

"I think there's a massive identity shift with parenthood," Dr Preeya says.

"I remember thinking, 'Am I still a GP? Am I still a TV presenter? A good conversationalist at dinner? Or am I just a mum now? It was confusing, and I had a real shift in identity. And I know that wasn't alone with those worries.

"Lots of my patients struggle with the 'Who am I?' question after parenthood, and I think it's because we take a real hit with our self-confidence especially after time out of the workforce. It's very anxiety provoking to go through such a huge identity shift."

Dr Preeya says that as part of this huge identity shift, many new mums worry about whether they will ever feel sexy again.

"I see lots of patients who struggle with sexuality and sexiness as a parent. They ask, 'Am I still allowed to feel sexy, be sexy? Can I wear this short skirt now I am a mum?' And I say to them they can do and feel whatever the hell they like! You can have sex and enjoy sex. We talk about physical factors like vaginal dryness in the postpartum period, libido changes with sleep deprivation.

"But there is a lot of uncertainty in this space for parents because of all the changes and how they can impact how you feel about yourself, your body and having sex; it's all very normal.

"I address the physical stuff head-on and recommend lubricants or in certain cases, prescribed medication and topical therapies. I also talk to patients about communication. How they can rebuild or reconnect with their partner so when the baby goes to sleep, maybe they turn the TV off and have a bit of a chat or even get someone to come over for an hour or two so you can go for a walk together. I talk about scheduling sex for when you're not tired, which is really important. Fatigue certainly impacts the libido in a big way."

4. I just want to live up to 'the perfect mum' ideal.

She says that something else that she and many of her patients struggle with in early motherhood, is this sense of trying to be 'the perfect mum'.

"I learnt early on that you can't do motherhood 'perfectly'. It was a huge lesson for me. As a doctor, I was so used to meeting deadlines or working and studying hard to get a literal medal. As a parent day-to-day, you spend a lot of time slogging your guts out for not much positive feedback and that is really hard.

"My mum said to me, 'Preeya, there's no medal for this! You can't perfectly parent – there is no such thing.' That comment stayed with me, and while it took me a good couple of years to fully realise what my mother meant, once it sunk in it was liberating.

"As long as I'm okay and the kids are okay and thriving, there's no single right way to parent. And mum's comment about 'the medal' is good because in parenthood the joys come from the most simple things – not big rewards – and you really have to look at those. Things like when your child spontaneously grasps your hand or reaches for your face. When I see those beautiful mother and child connections with my patients – I point it out and say to them 'Look how much they love you, you're doing a great job mama!'"

5. I keep thinking, 'WTF have we done?'

Having a baby is a huge change in a person's life and Dr Preeya says she is keen to help new mums understand that the 'WTF have we done' feelings are normal and felt by many.

"What I try to do at the six-week check-up after we have gone through the physical issues, is normalise these feelings by talking about it. I say to mums, 'I've been there' and 99 percent of people will say to me they have had that 'WTF' moment but did not know that it's normal. They think something was wrong.

"I want to normalise this feeling to remove the stigma, because a lot of us are struggling with the adjustment to parenthood. Your body changes, your brain changes your relationship changes, and your career if you've got one – takes a hit. It's a massive adjustment.  We anticipate that kids will find change slightly traumatic, but for adults, we don't talk about it enough. It's like you are just meant to get on with it because the next step is parenthood but there's a lot of change when you become a parent and it can be really traumatic."

While the majority of mums and dads have an adjustment period and talk about experiencing 'baby blues', Dr Preeya says it's important to recognise the difference between those feelings and depression.

"The baby blues are usually there for maybe seven to 14 days, they're transient, you will come out the other side and you need supportive care in that period. The red flags to watch for with depression is that it's persistent. It doesn't resolve, you might lack hope for the future. You stop enjoying things you used to love. Your motivation goes away and all the light just doesn't exist as much or perhaps at all. And of course, any thoughts of self-harm or harming your child means you need to seek medical help."

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6. It's not just me who needs help.

It's not only the mums who experience a change and need some support when they become a parent. 

"The transition to parenthood can be traumatic for everybody," Dr Preeya says.

"I think people would be surprised by how many fathers and partners I have in my consulting room who are grappling with parenthood in different capacities. Some worry about being the sole financial provider for a family if mum is on maternity leave. 

"I have patients who are struggling with sleep deprivation or the shift in their relationship - wondering exactly what their role is now. The good news is more dads are beginning to open up about these feelings than ever before."

7. The mental load is next level.

Dr Preeya says that sharing the load with a partner or support person (if possible) and making time to fill your own cup is very important for coping with mum-life.

"Will and I both have busy careers but we talk openly about how we can help each other to manage the juggle. I had to vocalise my issues with the mental load initially as I was overwhelmed, and Will had to understand and then come on board. I really had to relinquish some control and let Will do things his way and accept the job was done, even if it wasn't how I would do things!

"I still carry most of the mental load for the household. That's undeniable. However, we've gotten to a place where we're both managing and it's far more equal between us.

"In terms of self-care, I put my needs in the diary so that it doesn't get removed for a meeting or something for the kids. It's pretty simple stuff that I love that also helps me to manage stress and reduces my risk of chronic disease. Being in nature in my veggie patch with the kids is one way I can literally feel my soul filling up but also if I can go for a 30-minute walk with my headphones on and some music playing I feel happy. I'm moving my body, it's good for my brain and I just feel better. I'm a better mum, a better partner, a better daughter and a better GP so I don't let anyone take that daily walk off my list!"

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One final piece of advice Dr Preeya wants new mums to take away is to always remember to be kind to yourself as a new parent. 

"There is no single right way to parent. So whatever you read in certain books or see on social media, please know that there are options and there are pros and cons for each one. 

"Only you can choose what's best for you, your baby and your family."

Dr Preeya Alexander's book 'Eat, Sleep, Play, Love' is out now.

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles follow her on Instagram and TikTok.

Feature Image: Supplied.