A defence of negging has gone viral. It shows that the bar for men has never been lower.

"As a woman, I’m not supposed to like negging. Or rather, I’m not supposed to admit it." 

That's the opening line of a little story that slid into my Insta feed this morning... a story that's quickly become the epicentre of internet outrage. 

The piece, published by The Cut and written by Magdalene J. Taylor is simply titled 'In Defence of Negging' – four little words that have rightly (and no doubt intentionally) sent women everywhere into a fiery rage.

The comments on the Instagram post promoting the story are overwhelmingly (and not surprisingly) negative. 

They range from simply dismissing the merits of the writer's argument:

"Once again I must say: NOT EVERY THOUGHT NEEDS TO BE AN ARTICLE."

To highlighting the 'pick me' and anti-feminist sentiments of the piece:

"It's giving, 'I'm not like other girls.'"

"How I Internalised the Patriarchy and Learned to Love it."

But before I take you through the article itself (and you're going to want to sit down, because it's a lot), let's backtrack for a moment to discuss...

What is negging?

It translates to 'negative comment' and it's a term that became popularised in men's pickup communities before it went mainstream in Neil Strauss' The Game.

I think being negged is kind of fun, actually. For @TheCut, I wrote about how perhaps, maybe, possibly the pick-up artist tactic has some truth to it — especially in how we think about desire. Don't take this as an invitation. https://t.co/A82srRaQ1F

— Magdalene J. Taylor (@magdajtaylor) August 23, 2023

As defined in The Cut's story, to neg someone is to "momentarily lower a woman’s self-esteem and to suggest an intriguing disinterest”. This is one definition, but a more common one that many women have experienced is when someone (typically a guy) insults or undermines them to diminish their self-confidence.

The assumption is that when a woman's confidence plummets, they're more open to having sex. 

Cool.

In her story, Taylor relays the experience of a 41-year-old woman named Summer.

“One time I went to a party with a guy who’d recently gotten divorced and into PUA stuff, which he told us openly,” she began. 

“He then proceeded to ‘cold read’ me in the rudest way, and I knew exactly what he was doing." 

This man apparently decided the woman had been hurt by her father, which meant she became a 'class clown' to compensate for her low self-esteem, and she preferred dating depressed men.

"It sounds so bad,” she said. “But it worked. To me, this is flirting. You’re a little mean, it gets a lady a little mad, everyone’s having fun.”

Being psychoanalysed at a party by some strange man (likely lacking in any kind of psych qualifications) is peak negging. 

Aaaand it also makes me feel better about my decision to never leave my house after 8:30pm. 

No but what is negging actually?

Early in the piece, the writer mentions Amelia Dimoldenberg's viral YouTube series Chicken Shop Date as an example of negging, using an episode with 1975 singer Matt Healy as an example. 

"We just witness the pair repeatedly neg each other," she wrote.

And at this point, it became clear to me that the writer does not, in fact, truly get what negging... is. Because to use this as an example shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the whole concept.

Negging is not innocent teasing. Negging is not playful banter. Negging is not the crux of the entire Chicken Shop Date format.

Amelia's interview style is so original and ingenious because it's built around her being quietly terrible at her job – she doesn't do her research, she insults her subjects, but she insults herself just as often.

There is no malice behind what's being said and the power is more often in Amelia's hands than any of the celebrities with whom she shares a box of chicken and chips. If she goes too far, she's more likely to tell her guests she's in love with them and break the tension with a joke, than actually seek to make her subject feel less-than.

Do women... just not get it?

"For many, negging isn’t even a conscious act: It’s just casual banter", Taylor writes, adding that "surely countless women" have been negged without even realising it.

So... women don't know when a line is being crossed? We don't know the difference between being gently roasted on a date in good fun, and being purposefully put down in an attempt to get a certain result/in our pants?

We do. We know the difference.

Personally, I do enjoy a little teasing in relationships. Teasing that goes both ways. Many of us do. It's ingrained in Australian culture, as a society that builds bonds by taking the piss out of each other, and it happens not just in romantic relationships but in friendships, too.

In contrast, negging can ruin friendships, and in relationships, it makes the receiver question their worth. Which is... not good.

Ultimately, though, Taylor states that negging is actually a... compliment. 

Huh?

"Perhaps what negging really has going for it is that it’s inescapably personal. It requires effort and attention to detail. You can message a dozen women the same compliment on Hinge, but honing in on some little detail of a person’s profile you can lightly joke about takes a bit more time and energy," she writes. 

"You can’t perform a roast without knowing your subject. To be negged, in other words, is to be seen." 

Aww, sweet! 

As someone who (like many women) has been negged by almost every man I've ever dated, I can confidently say that we feel 'seen' enough minus the insults.

All of this has brought me to the only possible conclusion I could reach: that this writer is simply negging all of us, every single person who reads her story.

THE ULTIMATE NEG.

Feature image: Getty. 

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