Breaking up with a romantic partner is hard. Breaking up with a friend can sometimes be even harder. But cutting off a close family member — that's a whole other level of hurt.
It's a reality so many have been forced to deal with, for a variety of reasons. One of the more common, anecdotally speaking, is due to a loved one's overt narcissism.
Kayla* knows exactly what it feels like to cut off a narcissistic mother and an enabling father, and live with that loss. Exerting all the hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder, Kayla's mum had been incredibly difficult to deal with for as long as Kayla can remember.
"Living with a narcissist, especially when a narcissist is your mother, you end up in these absolutely crazy nonsensical dialogues which are peppered with real vitriol. The language that's used against you is really weaponised," Kayla said on Mamamia's The Quicky.
Kayla said that if she didn't do what her mother told her, she'd be screamed at or ignored.
It wasn't until Kayla was 40 that it dawned on her that she had been "emotionally abused and under such emotional duress" her whole life. So she decided to cut off contact with her mother for good. Now some time later, Kayla told The Quicky that although she feels at peace without her mum in her life, there is also a "deep abyss of grief".
Elizabeth Shaw is the CEO of Relationships Australia, and is a clinical and counselling psychologist.
She explained to Mamamia that relationship breakdowns with family members often result in a whole other level of pain. But in many circumstances, particularly when it comes to narcissistic loved ones, the loss of contact is the best decision.
Watch: 10 signs your parent is a narcissist. Post continues below.
"There's that fundamental premise 'blood is thicker than water'. You can't help but hope and believe that when the chips are down, your families are the one left standing. It is very hard to think of cutting those relationships off," she explained.
And when it comes to 'breaking up' with the parent, the emotional aftermath is even more complex.
"It often feels like parents are like a part of our identity. From the earliest times, we even have those first thoughts looking for our parents' approval and turning to them for their endorsement. We are trained into that because we are dependent on them for our survival needs. It's almost in our bones, isn't it?"
Why sometimes letting go is the best option.
Despite the natural instinct to want to remain in contact with family members, sometimes it's better to cut ties.
For those who are reaching the end of their tolerance with the treatment from a particular family member and are thinking about cutting ties, Elizabeth said the focus should always be on mental health.
After making the decision to separate yourself from the individual, seeing a family therapist is highly recommended.
"A family therapist is trained to kind of look at things in a multi positional way and to try and understand the web of relationships that you are trying to navigate. An individual therapist will stand with you in your shoes and will do a good job around that. But sometimes really understanding how to manage complex relationships over time is with a family therapist that has that skill set," Elizabeth said.
Listen to The Quicky. Post continues after audio.
Estrangement is not always lifelong.
With a family therapist you're in the best hands to decide whether the familial break-up should be permanent or temporary.
"Leaving the door open yourself can make you feel like the decision is more doable. I think when you have to cut off for life, you can feel it's more catastrophic and you can also feel like you're going to be challenged over time. But if it is cut off for now, then you've still got the possibility of looking ahead."
Of course in some circumstances, the behaviour, situation or lack of boundaries and safety is proof that a straight and final cut was necessary.
Second-guessing is common — just stick to your gut.
"The very idea that we have to cut off is very difficult and hard to live with over time, it's hard not to second guess yourself," Elizabeth said.
And for many, doubts can creep in from time to time. Thoughts like 'Was I was being too harsh?' or 'Did I give up too early?' Dealing with outside opinions is challenging too.
Elizabeth noted: "It's unlikely that anyone's going to ask you something that you haven't asked yourself. That's why it can feel very raw because anyone who says to you 'you've only got one mum', you've probably told yourself that already many times. In some ways, countering the questions of others is about making sure that you've countered them in yourself."
Explaining the decision and the implications of the cut-off can also help remind you why you made the move in the first place.
For Kayla, cutting off her narcissistic mother has been the absolute right thing for her. Although there is a unique sort of grief associated with estrangement, the burden of still being continually harassed is never worth it.
*Kayla's identity is known to Mamamia, her name has been changed for privacy reasons.
Feature Image: Getty.
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