by MIA FREEDMAN
My wheels fell off this week. Nothing serious and yet still, I lost it. The wobbles began when I noticed I was feeling stressed, overwhelmed and guilty guilty guilty. Such a helpful emotion, guilt. You try to shake off its oppressive stench but it dulls your senses and makes it hard to plot your way towards the exit. Guilt is always the first sign I’m not coping. The second is when I start having conversations like this:
Me: “I don’t think I’m coping.”
Husband: [nodding while quickly arranging his face into an expression of neutral empathy]
Me: “You’re nodding! What? Don’t you think I’m coping?”
Him: “You said you’re not coping.”
Me: “But is it that obvious? Am I a hopeless mother? How long have you thought that I’m hopeless and not coping?”
There are no winners in this kind of conversation. Just recriminations I fling about with gay abandon, mostly at myself but heck, get out of the way or you might become collateral damage.
The trigger for my lost wheels was the realisation that I work full-time but have part-time childcare. Well, duh. Work has increased dramatically this past year and yet I haven’t made changes at home. So suddenly I’m drowning not waving and absolutely not coping. I’m in the fortunate position of being able to afford more help so I should stop my indulgent whining and just dial-an-angel or something, right? Wrong. Because this:
Me: “My wheels are falling off.”
Girlfriend: “Babe, you need more help.”
Me: “But I want to be at home one day a week and pick up the kids from school. Except I can’t do everything.”
Her: “Of course you can’t, you goose! Get help!”
Me: “But I want to be the person who can cope.”
Her: “Do you realise how bonkers that sounds? Shut up.”
Bonkers, yes. If a girlfriend told me she felt guilty about getting help, I’d smack her upside her head. I think help is awesome – as much as you can, whether it’s physical, mental or emotional. EVERYONE, GET ALL OF THE HELP.
So why this block when it comes to my own life? Possibly, it’s The Good Mother Belief, the ingrained idea that a ‘good’ mother is always with her child. Obviously, because I work, I can’t be. And I wrestle with that sometimes. Especially when I’m overwhelmed and I don’t know whose needs to prioritise. The kids? Which one? Husband? Friends? Parents? Employees? This column? My website?
The question I’m most often asked is “how do you do it all?” and I’m always quick to reply: “I don’t”. I don’t do it all and I certainly don’t do it all well. Corners are always cut – sometimes brutally. People are always disappointed.
My kids’ disappointment is the hardest to swallow, even though logically I know that a degree of it is vital in building their resiliance. But I sting with shame and regret whenever I disappoint someone and I’ll go to stupid lengths to avoid it.
This often causes more problems. Like this week when I distractedly agreed to make my son a banana smoothie for breakfast even though we were crazy late. My husband was baffled. “Just say no. Cereal or toast, the end.” He’s right. I do it because of the guilt, trying to compensate for all my real or imagined sins.
My life can look pretty glossy from the outside. And yes, I’m lucky and grateful for everything I have. But that’s very different from perfect.
The media – particularly magazines – have always exploited the female fascination with the perfect. Perfect wardrobe, perfect skin, perfect meals, perfect body, perfect children, perfect relationship……it’s all bollocks. Nobody looks like that. Nobody lives like that. Nobody loves like that. We’re all flawed and life is messy and I think that’s infinitely more interesting even if it’s harder to convey in a quote or a photo.
The problem is when we unconsciously calibrate ourselves against this false idea of perfection, something women do a lot (me too) and which makes us feel inadequate. That’s why I think it’s a community service when we’re honest about our mistakes, our insecurities, our falling-off-wheels and our crazy.
In public, there aren’t many opportunities to show shades of grey. The nuances of a busy life lived imperfectly can be too
subtle. When time is short and attention spans shorter, people prefer a simpler narrative. Hero or villain. Legend or failure. Inspiration or disgrace. But we’re all so much more complex than those labels allow.
Being authentic is the opposite of Smoasting: Social Media Boasting. Among all the glamorous, witty updates in my
Facebook stream, a friend recently wrote something that made me laugh: “I’ve just flicked through some gorgeous holiday snaps of Facebook friends in Bali and Tuscany and New York and Rome and in the spirit of ‘keeping it real’ on Facebook I just wanted share that I am about to take the three kids to the orthodontist and then go to the supermarket.”
Back at my house, keeping it real means trying to get a family of five out the door by 8am with bonus points awarded (to me) if nobody is crying or shouting as it slams behind us. Bonus points are elusive.
How do you keep a balance in your life? How much help do you have?
Top Comments
Fantastic article, thank you! The guilt, OH the guilt!! I always tell everyone, "Being a Mother is guilt personified!" It's so easy to assume we're the only one feeling that way, which makes your story that much more refreshing. LOVE the bit at the end about a bonus if no one leaves the house in tears, that's one thing that resonated with me greatly. If they leave the house without a huge brawl and a flood of tears, the guilt for that day is just a little easier to bear, but only a little!
Oh Mia...I love you! Your brutally frank honesty, calling it like it is; it's absolutely refreshing when the media constantly holds up such an idealistic and utterly devoid from reality image of motherhood in the 21st century. If I hear us referred to as "super mums who want it all" one more time I think I'm going to scream! The irony of the photos posted with your article are so poignant (not sure if they were intentionally so). The first in your stunning red top, hair and makeup perfectly styled, depicting the media image of the working woman who has it all and bless you, the second image (you are a brave woman!) which is the reality of the working mother....multi-tasking in the shower, let me guess there were probably children in the immediate vicinity asking you for a thousand things? Hang in there:-) We all feel totally overwhelmed at times and can all relate to the desire to stop the world spinning for just a moment so we can hop off and catch our breath. I struggle to maintain equilibrium at times between working part-time, running a home and helping care for an elderly parent but the thing we all need to do is ask for help (it's a skill I am slowly perfecting). There's no shame in it. In fact it should be the core of the sisterhood. We're all in it together (unfortunately it doesn't always feel that way) and need to support each other through the hard times. It is amazing our restorative a cuppa, vent and a hug from a dear girlfriend can re-energise you go the next round. Sending you a virtual hug and cuppa and hope know that you're not alone!