As told to Ann DeGrey
My daughter Lily has always been the centre of my world and, as an only child, I’ve always been very protective of her. Her father walked out on us when she was just three months old and he has had very little to do with her over the years. So I've tried my best to be both a mother and a father to her, guiding her through life’s dramas. I always felt we had a fantastic bond. But now she is 21, I feel like I have lost her — all thanks to her boyfriend James.
Lily started dating James a year ago. At first, I was upset that she's dating a man who is considerably older than her — James is 37. But, when I met him, I thought he was a kind, respectful man. Also, I wanted to respect her choices. She assured me that he treated her well. So, I put my reservations aside and tried to be supportive.
As time went on, James started coming around more often, sometimes without Lily. He was always charming and polite, always eager to help me with chores or do some simple repairs around the house. I was so appreciative of him at first. But then, his behaviour began to change. It was very subtle at first; I'd catch him looking at me in a sort of "longing" way. Or, he'd pay me a compliment that felt too personal, like "You look gorgeous today, you look so young for your age." I just dismissed his comments with a laugh as I didn't want to make something out of nothing. But my instincts told me something was off.
Watch: Relationship red flags. Post continues after video.
One night I had my son and his partner for dinner, along with Lily and James. Lily was in the kitchen preparing dessert, and I was at the dining table with the others. Out of nowhere, he put his hand on my knee under the table and squeezed it. I was absolutely shocked. I got up right away and I glared at him, to let him know that I wasn’t happy about what he'd just done to me. I thought about telling Lily right away but I didn't want to ruin the evening or put her in an awkward position.
The next time was much worse. Lily had invited me over for a small gathering at James's place. I agreed, thinking it'd be nice to spend more time with my daughter. After a few hours, Lily stepped outside to take a phone call, leaving me alone with James.
Suddenly, he moved close to me, put his arm around my shoulder and said, "You are such an attractive woman. If I had to choose between you and Lily, I think I'd choose you." I pulled away from him and said, "James, that’s so inappropriate."
He just laughed it off, saying I was overreacting and that it was just a joke. But I didn't think it was a joke at all. Here was a man that Lily loved and trusted, making moves toward her own mother. I knew I had to tell Lily. She needed to know what James was really like.
When I finally gathered the courage to tell Lily about what had happened, she didn't believe me. She accused me of trying to sabotage her relationship, because I thought he was too old for her. I was absolutely devastated. How could she think that of me? I tried to explain, but she wouldn't listen. She swore at me, then told me I was no longer welcome in her life and she hung up on me.
In the last three months, I've reached out multiple times, leaving messages and texts, asking her to understand and to believe me instead of believing James. But she's blocked me on everything, cutting me off completely.
I've even reached out to James, but he denies everything. He told me I am "deluded" and he never said anything flirtatious to me. He is such a liar! He’s told Lily that I'm lying, trying to manipulate her because I can't handle her growing up and making her own choices.
I'm terrified for Lily. I worry that James's behaviour could escalate or that he's manipulating her in ways I don't even know about. I'm hardly sleeping, wondering if I did the right thing by telling her about James' moves towards me. Maybe I should have handled it differently, but I couldn't stay silent. She needed to know the truth, even if it means she hates me for now.
I don't know how to fix this or if it can ever be fixed. I just hope and pray I get my darling daughter back one day and that she finally realises James is an absolute snake.
Feature Image: Getty.
