My earliest memory of mum hugging me was about five years ago – when I was in my late 30s.
And to this day, she’s never said the words ‘I love you’.
I don’t remember her ever reading to me as a child, or cuddling me at bedtime, or even coming in to say goodnight.
Until five years ago, she would never hug hello or goodbye. Whenever I’ve called before an overseas trip, which I always do as I’m at the airport, I’ll say, “love you, mum”, and she’ll reply “okay”.
This absence of affection was hard to understand, growing up. I would watch Family Ties (you know, the one with Michael J. Fox in it), and think, that’s what’s supposed to happen; constant touching, a physical confirmation of love.
I would see this happen in other families, too. With my closest friends, their parents would be like that towards me – often, in front of my mum.
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I've had a similar experience. A mum who never showed affection but also didn't offer much advice or guidance. I have no memories of affection or being cuddled or anything even close. She did all the basic things - fed us, clothed us, made sure we were safe, looked after us when we were sick etc - but the things I sorely needed like physical affection and emotional support were lacking and still (at almost 40) are today.
She has no self awareness and no idea how her approach has impacted me. Growing up, my friends always thought I wasn't an affectionate person, but then I fell in love for the first time when I was 18 and discovered a whole other side to myself.
It's been a long journey since, but I now give and receive love freely with my husband and my kids and it comes so naturally to me. They will have a completely different upbringing to me, and I can't wait to see how they navigate life with such a strong support behind them.
It hurts to know what I didn't have, but there's not much you can do to change the past or people who aren't willing or even aware that they can change.