DIVORCE DIARIES: "My mother-in-law ruined my wedding day, and it was downhill from there."

Welcome to Mamamia's Divorce Diaries. A space where stories of separation, grief, growth and resilience are shared in candid detail – painting a very honest picture of divorce in its day-to-day state. 

This week we hear from Clarice*, a woman in her 40s who separated from her husband three years after saying 'I Do'. Here's how her story unfolded.

First, let's rewind: How did you and your spouse first meet? What was your first date? How were the early days of dating?

We met via OK Cupid and had such a wonderful relationship. 

Our first date was a Melbourne comedy festival show. We had our shared enjoyment of comedy shows and eating out at pubs and we moved in together at around the nine-month mark. 

What were your expectations of marriage? 

I really never expected to get married. However, I wanted kids and so did he. 

I did an AMH test just to check what my fertility situation was, and my egg count was low so we fast-tracked trying to have a baby. We ended up doing IVF and were very lucky that it worked first time around – but I didn’t think of marriage at any point during the whole pregnancy journey. I assumed it would come later, if at all. 

He said he would be a stay-at-home dad and as my career paid more I would work, but beyond that I learnt quickly that he had quite traditional views about marriage, and he wanted me to change my name and perform 'wifely' duties at home.

What was the proposal like? And how did you feel immediately after it?

I was six months pregnant, and he took me out to dinner. A little Tiffany box came on the same tray as my mocktail. I felt surprised but genuinely happy.

And how was the wedding? Did it go as planned? Do you have any regrets about the big day?

As an only child I wanted two kids and we had a very easy first kid so when my period came back we tried for another baby and I fell pregnant immediately. The timing worked out to be just before our wedding. Unfortunately, we miscarried just after we returned from our honeymoon. 

Our wedding was one of the first times I saw how spiteful my now ex mother-in-law was. I was about to walk down the aisle and she decided she didn't want to hold her grandson anymore and thrusted my crying eight-month-old into my arms. 

I yelled at her and ended up walking down the aisle with him which was definitely wasn't the plan, but turned out to be beautiful. 

I hadn't been fantasying about a 'fairy tale wedding', so it didn't upset me too much, but overall the day itself wasn't very fun.

How long after getting married did you get divorced? 

It was three years after we got married and I was 40 years old. 

When did things take a turn for the worse?

I can pinpoint the beginning of the end exactly – it was when we moved geographically closer to my mother-in-law.

She insisted she look after the kids and essentially tried to take over my role in the family. It was really jarring and made me feel like an outsider in my own home. 

For context, her three sons have depression from her divorce and she's always spoken very badly of their dad who – in my opinion – did nothing wrong. Anyway, she was physically disciplining my two young baby boys, and I asked her not to and for my ex to step in. He refused to and said it was my problem to sort out with her. I suddenly snapped and realised they had been controlling, stifling, and dismissing me for years. 

I also had a bad gut feeling about him and knew deep down he was cheating on me from two years into the marriage. All of this led to me having a breakdown.

But then we resolved things. I still had an inkling that he wasn't faithful, particularly because he wasn't very warm or affectionate either – and that probably meant that I went overboard in the opposite way which didn't help things. It wasn't until 2012 that I finally had proof that he was cheating – via a dating website for married people. So as soon as I had the proof, I asked for a divorce.

At what point did you know you wanted to get a divorce? 

When I took my kids away for the weekend and felt more free than I ever had. That gave me the confidence to ask for the divorce. 

We then went through a very messy court case but now have 50/50 custody of the kids and are amicable.

How did the first 'divorce conversation' with your partner go?

I tried to talk to him but he kept walking away and going to his brothers. 

He eventually suggested marriage counselling, but by that point with a two- and four-year-old, working full time so he could be home with them and dealing with his mum, I felt exhausted. It just felt like one more thing for the load. 

But we found one, and she told my ex he wasn’t being supportive. I had the courage to tell him his mum was a narcissist for the first time. The counsellor asked some questions which confirmed it. It was very uneventful. 

Eventually I printed out the dating profile evidence and put it on the table with a note saying 'I want a divorce'. I went to bed, and later that night he came home, read it, and went straight to bed next to me. Like water off a duck's back for him. 

Anyway, the next day we spoke and confirmed neither of us were happy and needed to end the relationship. It was mutual, but I definitely initiated it.

How was the divorce process? 

Horrible. 

I left him with everything. I engaged a great lawyer and while my ex self-represented I paid for it all – including the family report, which cost around $80k all up. And then straight afterwards, $2,000 was taken out of my pay as child support.

I am still paying my mum off in monthly instalments four years on for the initial $80k. Neither of us are rich and she is retired with no assets. I was just at risk of losing my kids as he claimed to be the stay-at-home dad, and therefore 'primary caregiver' so they should be with him full time. 

Thankfully, the judge ruled 50/50 custody very quickly and even put some protection in place around his mum being unsupervised with our children.

Was anyone else affected by your separation? 

We didn’t own a house so there was no financial stuff to tie up, and I left him with everything in the house. I started again from scratch and slept on an air mattress for months. 

He never made an effort with my friends so that side was a clean split too.

Do you talk to your ex-husband now? 

Yep. Fortunately, we co-parent really well. I sought a psychologist who helped a lot with that. I am now very friendly with him and his new partner. We do kids' parties together and share pics of our weekends with the children.

How do you feel about your ex now?

I've never been able to shake the resentment. I changed my name and didn’t enforce boundaries earlier. I resent the child support I pay. I believe if it’s 50/50 then no one should pay anyone.

What is your life like now? 

I miss the kids like crazy when they aren’t here but I feel empowered and free and happy when the kids are with me and we don't need to consult with him. We camp, we travel, we eat in bed! He was a clean freak so that feels like a nice little jab to our old life.

How do you feel about the label of 'divorced'?

I am okay with it. I wear solo parent and separated badges proudly. 

What advice would you give someone about to go through a divorce?

I have three pieces of advice for those about to get a divorce: Don’t do anything hasty like I did. Get a great lawyer because it makes everything quicker in the long run. And finally, get ready for the games to continue until you both have a binding agreement.

200,000 Australians filed for divorce in the past two years alone, and we want to hear from those Aussies (and the ones that took the plunge well before that). The heartbroken, the angry, the satisfied and the never-been-happier divorcees who want to share their side of the story. The Mamamia Divorce Diaries is a space for candid sharing of those stories – whatever shape and size their tale comes in. If you're wanting to share your story, then please head here to do so. 

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