Meet my friend Emily. She’s crying into her wine.
Emily’s daughter Jenny* started school this year, and Emily is six or so weeks into being a “school mum”.
Like at least 66 per cent of mothers in Australia, Emily works. She works full-time, and so does her partner. Emily is supremely organised, the kind of mum who always has a healthy snack-pack in her bag, and never runs out of bread. Five-year-old Jenny is in before and after-school care, gets picked up by a baby-sitter once a week, and whenever Emily or her partner can swing it they work from home and go to pick their little girl up themselves.
Emily is deep into beating herself up about being a terrible school mum.
“I never seem to know what’s going on,” she says. “I never know when it’s library day, I don’t know what a principals’ assembly is. How the f- does anyone fit in homework? I have only met Jenny’s teacher once. The Class Parent is so organised, she’s arranged play dates for the class once a week after school, and I feel crappy that Jenny can’t always go.”
Emily went to one of those Friday play dates last week. Kept her phone on her in case work needed her. She met some of the other parents. Three of them were mums who didn't work outside of the home. Everyone was lovely.
"None of the other mums work!" Emily cries. "I feel like the worst mother ever."
Really, Em, NONE of the other mothers work? Of course they do. Out of the 30 families that make up Jenny's class, she met three "Stay At Home Mums". But those are the ones Emily is choosing to measure herself against. Because "full-time" mothers are the gold standard against which all other mothers judge themselves.
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Looking through the comments, I'm alarmed that there is no mention of FATHERS contributing to child care. My partner and I are childless, but have discussed what we would do if and when we do have children. I earn considerably more than him, and am in a very competitive industry where a leave of absence would cause my career a lot of harm. In these circumstances, if we had children I would likely continue to work full time and he would potentially work part time.
However, both of us enjoy our work, and find it incredibly fulfilling, so neither of us would want to give up our careers completely. Both my parents worked full time when I was growing up, and contrary to those below fearing for the development of such children, I was a well loved, well grounded and well supported child. If anything, I cherished the time I had with my parents more. I also learnt a good work ethic from a young age. I saw my parents set career goals and achieve them. I saw my parents as EQUALS. I spent time in after school care, but it taught me to be resilient and independent.
I've seen the sentiment written below that it is quality of time spent with parents that is important, not quantity. And I agree with that wholeheartedly. There's not a doubt in my mind that my parents both feeling so fulfilled in their careers caused them to be happier and more present at home. Let's stop with there being a right or wrong way to do things. Each to their own.
Im a sahp, we are not the gold standard of parenting
In fact, i think id be a better parent if working
Whats best for kids is a happy, supportive home, education, food, healthcare and love