As a Melburnian of 22 years, I like to think I know a thing or two about this fantastorgasmical dreamland of black jeans and skinny lattes.
While Sydney has their fancy bridge, and Brisbane has the Goldy, and Adelaide has a shit load of churches, absolutely none of them compare to Melb’un.
Becuase only in Melb’un can you eat a burger in a refurbished old train THAT’S SITTING ON TOP OF A BUILDING.
Instagram/@EaseysSo, here are seven other things that make Melbourne the most bitchin' city in 'Straya.
1. Hatin' on Myki 24/7, 365.
Absolutely despising our city's public transport network is a must-do if you want to fit in.
To compensate for Myki being a right disaster, the entire population has decided that tram rides are exempt from the public transport system (they're not), and therefore are now free (they're most DEFINITELY NOT).
But maybe they are... because we said so.
#PeoplePower
2. Deconstructed everything.
I'm not sure why, but according to every Melbourne chef, not actually cooking/making/preparing your meal makes it 167 times more special and expensive.
We're the city that made "deconstructed coffee" a thing.
If coffees weren't enough, you can also order "deconstructed avocado smash", which entails a process as convoluted as growing the avocado in your own backyard.
3. Food trucks... for dogs.
While you Sydneysiders say you love your dogs, you don't even come close to us.
Why? Well, you must clearly suck at reading headlines because we have food trucks for dogs now.
A-yup! On Saturday the 24th of September, the 'Canine Wellness Kitchen' will be open, and bring a range of raw, dehydrated snacks made from “human-grade ingredients” to our furry friends.
4. Bars are now hidden. Just 'coz.
If you want to find the coolest place to grab a drink in ye olde Melbs, it's probably best to channel your inner Magnum PI.
Nights out are now so indie and cool, they're hidden.
Take Fall From Grace, for example, a bar in the CBD that's HIDDEN BEHIND A BOOKSHELF IN A RESTAURANT.
Gosh Sydney, stop being so basic and obvious and get on our level.
5. This photo.
6. Sonny Blake.
SUCKED IN, REST OF AUSTRALIA.
Here in Melbourne not only do we have Hamish Blake and the Zoe Foster Blake, we're also home to their cherubic two-year-old tot, Sonny.
He might only be a toddler, but we all know he's a national treasure and the people's child.
Sonny Blake proves we're the best. Cya.
7. Hurling abuse at the Melbourne Star.
It's expected that while driving down the Bolte Bridge you hurl daggers of abuse at Melbourne's second greatest disappointment behind Myki: The Melbourne Star.
This deplorable copycat of the London Eye not only took seven years longer than expected to actually work, it's estimated that it cost us $100 million.
Considering it's in the middle of nowhere and is as functional as wearing socks with sandals, I think we can all agree that was $100 million poorly spent.
What do you think we forgot to include?