If you've recently become obsessed with The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives or #MomTok on TikTok, then you've probably been exposed to the strict rules that those living in the LDS (Church of Latter Day Saints), otherwise known as Mormons, uphold. 

Mormons believe that life is a gift and they keep their body in 'perfect' condition. This means that Mormons stay chaste until marriage, both from penetrative sex and even sometimes hand holding. Dates are often chaperoned and anything sexually explicit is considered sinful. 

Some even wear underclothes called 'garments' that are a symbol and reminder of their modesty and chastity. 

Mormons also don't drink alcohol or drugs, avoid dishonesty, donate to charity, avoid pornography, dedicate their Sundays to the Lord, and don't swear. Even cigarettes, coffee and tea are banned, the latter due to their caffeine content. There is also no gambling and no abortion, although many Mormons allow birth control methods. 

It's safe to say that, for non-Mormons, the dictionary definition of  their lives appears very strict. 

If you've watched viral Utah-based shows like The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, Real Housewives of Salt Lake City or Mormon TikTok, you're probably pretty confused. They often appear to flout the Mormon rules with reckless abandon (or with shoddy-sounding loopholes).

Like most things, Mormonism comes on a spectrum. There are many Mormons who adhere strictly to the codes above, but there are others who take liberties here and there. 

For example, Demi Engemann, who stars on The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, refers to herself as a modern Mormon. She's more than happy to attend strip shows like The Chippendales and doesn't wear garments. Another of these 'Mormon wives' Jessi Ngatikaura drinks alcohol during the series, much to the disdain of her co-star Jennifer Affleck.

Then we come to MormonTok, where terms like 'soaking', 'mounting' and 'durfing' are rife among interviews with students at largely Mormon universities Brigham Young University (BYU) and Utah State University (USU). 

It all sounds a bit — sexually charged? 

Here, we're going to explain what some of those terms mean and why some modern Mormons use them as loopholes in the church's strict rules. And we have to say, some of the justifications are fascinating.

Mormon loopholes like 'soaking' explained.

Soaking.

@robert_carpenter Interviewing BYU Idaho students #byui #byuidaho ♬ original sound - Robert Carpenter

There's some debate about the reality of how common soaking is, but it is almost constantly discussed on MormonTok. 

Soaking essentially removes the act of 'doing' from having 'sex'. When soaking, the man will insert himself into the woman but he will just stay there, not move, and essentially 'marinate'. As there's no action being taken, soakers believe that it can't truly be called having 'sex'.

Some even involve a third person called a 'pusher', who will shake the bed while the couple soak to increase friction and sexual satisfaction. Many Mormons have taken to TikTok to denounce the act, but in interviews at BYU it seems very rife. 

Non-Mormon TikToker @robert_carpenter documents live interviews with people on campus at BYU and USU.

When asked about the worst thing that can happen on a date, one student said, "Got to be someone shaking the bed on a first date. That is a mid experience for a first date. That is awful."

"I am a big fan of soaking because that's like, different," another student, who said she was saving her first kiss until marriage, said. When asked what she'd rate soaking, she said, "Probably like a 10."

Another explained, "It can be effective if you have a good bed mate… Depends on the springs, on the mattress. You know, if it has like good push to it. That's what my roommates have told me."

Another young girl said that she had been recruited to be a 'pusher'. 

"Someone asked me to shake the bed for soaking once. Gotta help your friends out sometimes," she said. 

Ketamine therapy. 

While Mormons reject recreational drug use, they do allow it for health purposes. Two wives on The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives admitted to going to ketamine therapy for their mental health, but agreed that it also helped to spice up their marriages. 

"Ketamine," Demi Engemann, 30 said on the Viall Files podcast. "It has been the biggest tool that I've used to strengthen my relationship. [It's] next-level."

She doesn't obtain it recreationally, instead getting it administered by a doctor through an IV. 

"It's microdosing," she explained. "It's the safest form of anaesthesia. They use it on kids, small animals to put down [and] it takes you out of your conscious state and you're able to, really, diminish your pride and let down your walls and be able to speak heart-to-heart. Like, I never had deeper conversations in my entire life.

"It does spice up your sex life, for sure," Demi added, to which Mayci Neeley, another #MomTok influencer agreed.

Botox laughing gas. 

@secretlivesonhulu When the girlies find a loophole 🥰 #TheSecretLivesOfMormonWives ♬ original sound - secretlivesonhulu

Again, while drugs are prohibited, the mums on The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives go to get Botox and ingest laughing gas for the pain.

"It's a party," Whitney Leavitt, 31, said. When asked if she "comes for the Botox or the laughing gas," she responded, "For both."

"I would low-key never get laughing gas with Botox, but I'll do it today just for fun," Mayci Neeley, 29, added. "Am I not gonna get high for free? It's not against the rules."

Gambling. 

@jenniferaffleckk Are we moving back or staying? Stay tuned to find out.. @secretlivesonhulu @Zac Affleck ♬ original sound - kylie

While Mormons have many rules, even the most performatively pious ones have their flaws. 

For example, in the Mormon Wives series, Jennifer Affleck's husband Zac gets very angry at her for going to see sexually explicit show The Chippendales (which she attended as a surprise). 

However, she allowed him to spend $2,500 of her money gambling in Vegas, despite the fact that gambling is not allowed by the church. Annoyed with Jen, Zac stayed out until the early hours gambling away their money, while maintaining that she was in the wrong. 

The scene highlighted a big double standard in their relationship, which we've gone into further detail on here.  

Durfing.

Another practice to get around the 'no sex' rule is called 'Durfing', an amalgamation of 'denim surfing'. This essentially means to dry hump or to have sex but with your clothes on. 

On Carpenter's TikTok, Mormon interviewees talk about meeting on 'Mutual', the largest and fastest-growing dating app for Mormons. One young woman told him that she met a guy on Mutual who was mostly keen for 'Durfing' and a month later he was engaged to someone else. 

Creasing.

Creasing is an extension of the 'no sex' rule, and essentially is about creating stimulation anywhere except the vagina. This could include the crease in the knee or an armpit. It is much the same as loopholes that involve oral or anal sex to avoid classic penetrative sex on principle.

An article in The Scarlet explains, "These loopholes include oral sex, anal sex, as well as, the article suggests, soaking. These rules have even inspired a common catchphrase among BYU students: 'oral is moral.'"

NCMO.

@look_its_camille I wish this was a joke. 🤦‍♀️ #utah #ncmo #provo #single #utahdating #outro #lds #mormon #utahcheck ♬ Xenogenesis - TheFatRat

NCMO is a common term on BYU and USU campuses and essentially refers to non-committal makeout sessions. It's just another term for kissing. 

Mounting or trunk jobbing. 

This is an odd one that allows those who are saving their first kisses until marriage to get in on the 'fun'. Essentially there's a 'mounter' and a 'mountee' who drive to a car park together and make out, except that there are other people in the back listening to the whole thing. A little odd, right?

Garments. 

@alyssadgrenfell A claustrophobic reminder of the most secretive parts of Mormonism 😒 #mormon #lds #exmormon #ldstemple #utahcheck #exmo ♬ original sound - Alyssa Grenfell

Traditional Mormons wear 'garments', a type of full-coverage underclothes that serve as "a constant reminder" of the covenants they made in the temple. However, many Mormons online have commented on ways that they avoided their garments, especially in the summer. 

"I'd wear my swimsuit to the pool and 'forget' to bring garments with me to change into afterward. Sometimes, I'd be garment-free all day long before 'remembering' to put them back on," one posted on Reddit. 

This is eerily similar to what happened when Jennifer Affleck, one of the more conservative Mormons in The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives 'forgot' her garments on a trip away. 

Dirty soda. 

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While Mormons are not allowed to have alcohol or caffeine in coffee and tea, they instead indulge in sodas such as Diet Coke and Dr. Pepper. It's important to note that these things also have caffeine. 

They actually have full-blown 'soda shops' such as the viral company Swig, where you can customise your perfect soda with a series of syrups and 'coconut creams' to create 'mocktail-like' concoctions. 

On Carpenter's TikTok one BYU student says her favourite Swig is 'Baja Blast', and appears shocked when she's told that it actually includes caffeine. It seems to be a bit of a grey area. 

Streaming services. 

While Mormons stay clear of R-rated movies, they can watch them through services that rid the film of the explicit scene. This has seen the rise of services such as VidAngel, which censors explicit topics and content so that the Mormon can still watch the explicit show but without being overly exposed. 

And there you have it — all the loopholes being promoted online. However, it is important to remember that many Mormons reject these practices and stick closely to the rules as provided in the Book of Mormon. 

Featured image: TikTok/The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives

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