MODERN MORAL DILEMMA: Is it OK to try to fall pregnant during a one-night stand?

There's a name for this: 'gotcha' pregnancies and Kate Spicer, the writer in this picture, admits she's played the accidentally-on-purpose game and as a childless woman in her thirties, would be delighted to fall pregnant under any circumstances.
She writes honestly:

Three weeks ago, I bought a pregnancy test. As a single, childless
woman in my late 30s, my exact thoughts while I was waiting for the
result were as follows: 'If I am not pregnant, then good. I'm happy.

Life
continues as before. Panic over. If I am pregnant, then that's
terrifying. But thrilling, too. A happy accident that was meant to
happen, whether I stay with the father or not.'

The test, as it
happened, was negative which means, for me, another narrow escape or a
lost opportunity – depending on which way you look at it. 

That's not to say I'm on a crazed mission to get pregnant. I am now
39, but I have felt broody on and off throughout my 20s and 30s. And
so, when I'm in a relationship – and sometimes even when I'm not – I
have long taken an incredibly casual approach to contraception;
waiting, I think not even that subconsciously, for the happy accident
to happen to me.

Yes, I know about the dangers of sexually
transmitted diseases, and I know the emotional damage casual sex can
leave in its wake. I'm not some reckless evangelist for promiscuity.

People
have a lot of sex for pleasure these days, but there has to be a
purpose to it at some point. So I have always thought: 'You know what,
if I do get pregnant, I don't mind. It's not the end of the world. It's like I'm letting nature decide when the time is right.

So
far, the time has not been right, and thank God for nature's motherly
wisdom. But if it were to happen, it would not be a disaster. That's why I wouldn't chastise anyone – man or woman – who sought out parenthood on a totally subconscious level.

So
few relationships are perfect these days. We do not live in a society
where everything is neat and tidy any more. Sometimes, desperate
measures are called for if you want to get pregnant. And, if the woman
has any sense, one hopes she will have chosen someone who is going to
deal with the consequences in an adult way.

I
don't just sleep with anyone. To even have sex, let alone unprotected
sex, in the first place means the guy must have something special. I
don't want an accident to happen with just anyone. They've got to have
good genes even if they are not relationship material, and I'm sure
that is always secretly at the back of my mind each time I fall for
someone. It's a biological thing; I'm subconsciously on the lookout for
good breeding stock.

Perhaps I should be more calculating. I
remember a close female relation of mine, very proper and upper middle
class, telling me she was going to have sex just to get pregnant. Any
man would do.

But I have never wanted to do that. A happy
accident is one thing, but actually to go out and plan an 'unwanted
pregnancy' is something else entirely, and it's not for me.

Men
can want to be fathers accidentally on purpose, too, you know. I don't
think they are always the poor victimised man with some awful harridan
forcing her fertility wishes on him. Men are equal players in this
game.

I know men who have been caught out by one-night stands
or by relationships that weren't going anywhere. They might think their
lives have been screwed up, but they always love the child. So is it
really that bad?

On the few occasions I've had scares/thrills,
most guys were, with varying degrees, cool to very excited about it,
despite the fact we had never seriously talked about having kids.

When
I think about it rationally, though, if I had been pregnant any of
these times, it would have been far from ideal. I have no doubt that I
would have loved the baby unconditionally. But I doubt very
much that I was ever mature enough to settle into a long-term
relationship with any of the men I took risks with.

And as the
child myself of a marriage that ended in bitter divorce, I don't really
want to impose a broken family on another. Or, worse, no family at all. There are many very harried and lonely single mothers out there,
and I count many of them among my friends. Their struggle is not to be
underestimated.

Marriage is no guarantee, of course. I've got a
really good friend who was very happily married. She had the big house
in the Home Counties and children at private school. But then her
husband left her, skipped the country and now she's a penniless single
mother, so even the safest bet can let you down.

I suppose what
I'm saying is that there are no guarantees. Given the fragility of the
nuclear family dream, are women really so bad for just procreating as
and when an opportunity arises?

Of course, a part of me does
feel sad that I haven't met a person with whom I want to raise
children. But that doesn't mean I don't still want children. I've
watched with a benign envy as my brother and sister-in-law start their
family.

So while there's still time, I will probably keep on
playing this particular game of fertility roulette. I just can't help
myself.

On this subject, there's a new book called Accidentally On Purpose which has been
written by 39 year-old Mary Pols (below) who DID fall pregnant after
unprotected sex on a one-night stand. The book is about ''…her
emotional journey to single mumdom, not to
mention her heroic attempts to forge some sort of relationship with the
stranger who fathered her child.'