Monday morning coffee catch-up: Did you watch The Bachelor?

By ROSIE WATERLAND

Some people relax by reading. Some relax by slinking into a hot bath. Others relax by making a cup of coffee or taking the kids to the park.

I tend to relax by watching trashy TV. Seriously. If you really want to check out and chill, trust me – trashy TV is the way to go.  After a stressful week, there’s nothing like flopping down on the couch with a coffee and taking in the latest that the quality ‘reality’ genre has to offer. Heaven.

So you can imagine how I excited I was when I heard The Bachelor was coming to Australia. The. Bachelor. In fact, I was so excited, I decided to recap the first episode for you, in all its trashy and hilarious glory. And Episode 1 did not disappoint, with all the serious music and bitchy looks you could hope for.

Just as an FYI, you should know that the Monday Morning Coffee Catch Up is brought to you by Moccona. But all opinions expressed by the author are 100% authentic and written in their own words.

We open with our Bachelor, Tim, doing some contemplative staring out at the horizon. This proves he’s good looking AND deep. Turns out he’s a 30-year-old chiropractor with a broken heart. That’s why he carries a briefcase and looks sad. He’s hoping to find true love by forcing 25 women to compete for his affection on national TV. Sounds like a flawless plan.

Andrew G Andrew Gunberg Osher Gunsberg (who has mastered… the art… of talking… like this…) welcomes B to the mansion with obligatory tacky décor then makes himself scarce so things can get underway. B tells Osher he has ‘dreams’ and ‘expectations’ etc etc etc.

The girls each get an opportunity to hobble down the red carpet towards their future husband in heels they can barely walk in but look fabulous. This gives B the chance to adequately decide how much he likes what is being presented to him.

Channel Ten has helpfully divided the girls into actual romantic possibilities, villains and weirdos by playing a certain kind of music as each step out of the limo. The pretty romantic girls get magical princess chimes, the villains get ominous-sounding piano and the weirdos get the equivalent of someone drunkenly blowing into the top of a bottle.

The girls the producers know are being sent home The boring girls get lumped together in one quick montage so we can quickly focus on the people we care about. They’ve also cleverly opened with the lawyer and finished with the doctor, in an attempt to hide the professional skater, flight attendant, three models and 15 event planners in between.

Highlights from the ladies’ editing packages include one woman who actually let the crew film her sitting in a park making daisy chains. Her and the doctor, because WHY IS SHE THERE?

All the girls are politely sizing up how best to take each other down (He’s so cute? OMG I know! I dressed to match the carpet! I’m sparkly! I don’t think she’s that hot. I want a boyfriend who’ll buy me lots of things words words etc etc).

Osher comes in and explains that… we’re about to… start a… cocktail party… 25 girls… 20 roses… Unclear on whether he’s having a stroke or not, he disappears back to his lair to allow B to judge which girls look the best are right for him.

Dasiy chain girl gets crazy eyes and decides that B is her husband. Has already managed to leave the room and make a collage out of pictures she stole from his childhood bedroom. First she tries to charm him with the universal language of love: German. Then she goes in for a kiss, which he rejects, and Channel Ten has called it THE MOST AWKWARD MOMENT IN TV HISTORY (capitals required to capture the seriousness of their claim).

It was pretty uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as one girl telling the doctor that getting the first rose is an achievement nobody can take away from her and that she’ll have that claim for, like, the REST OF HER LIFE. The doctor nods earnestly, after having cried tears of joy for 15 minutes.

Jolene, a bottle blonde from The Shire who blinks in slow motion, has clearly been labelled the show’s baddie (yes, the vixen is actually called Jolene), as she comes with her own soundtrack not unlike that of a Disney villain. She offers the best line of the night when another girl gets a rose and she comments, “Awwww, but she’s got back fat.” Coz girls be bitchez, amiright? You can tell the producers are salivating at the ad promos she’s going to offer up over the next 6 weeks.

We basically then sit through lots of close-ups of sad faces and dramatic music as B hands out all of his ‘first impression’ roses. Girls are like, totally interrupting other girls’ ‘one on one’ time and it’s like, really unfair, but this is a contest, and a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do (like putting your life on hold to humiliate yourself by going on national television to compete for a man).

Then, in a surprisingly clear grasp of the complex rules, B looks earnestly at the camera and declares “Giving out roses to some girls and not to others is hard.” Lucky he has their intellect and personalities to guide him.

Of the five girls who don’t get roses, the only interesting one is Jolene. The producers must be devastated, but with crazy-eyes daisy chain girl and the riddle of the doctor, this is still going to be a pretty fun ride. Looks like my Sunday night relaxation is set in stone for a couple of months at least…

Trashy TV may not be your thing. But everybody needs something to help them take a bit of time out. What’s yours?

Modern life is super-busy. It’s a juggling act. A thousand jobs rolled into one. We know you wouldn’t change it for the world, but wouldn’t it be nice to pause for a little bit of me-time every once in a while.

Moccona is that time out; a little bit of indulgence in an otherwise hectic day. From its smooth, rich taste to its iconic glass jar, Moccona has been a favourite with coffee lovers in Australia for over 50 years. Every jar of Moccona is made from 100% coffee beans and carefully produced to create a premium quality coffee that you’ll love, every time.

Moccona lets coffee lovers enjoy a little more me-time, anytime.