A woman had a miscarriage at work and then did something with her mobile.

It was one year ago and it’s still heart wrenching.

Warning: This post deals with miscarriage and may be distressing for some.

It was a year ago that this woman, who asked to remain anonymous, had a miscarriage at work. She didn’t even know that she was pregnant, but knew she had lost a potential baby.

She begun bleeding on a Monday night and although it was slightly off her normal cycle she wasn’t quite sure if it was late or early. She’d just changed her pill and moved continents so there was a lot of explanation as to why she might be off cycle.

“The next morning, I woke up to find I’d bled through pretty much everything in my path. Embarrassed, I tidied up and my boyfriend drove me to work. I was working as a nanny for a very busy family, and their three children were home for summer vacation,” she wrote on XO Jane. 

There were still no alarm bells though so the woman got her boyfriend to drop her at work. And as soon as she got there she knew something was wrong. Something didn't feel right. So once the kids jumped on their bikes to ride around outside she went to the bathroom.

She removed a Diva Cup, a menstrual cup as an alternative to tampons or pads, she'd been using because of the large amount of discomfort she was in. She stood up and emptied it out in the sink - scolding herself for how gross the whole situation was.

"That's when I saw you," she wrote.

"After a bit of careful extraction, I had you in my hand. I sat completely still on the edge of the toilet seat, my hands cupping a makeshift bed of toilet paper. I knew I should clean things up, but I was numb to everything but you. I didn’t know what to feel."

The woman says on XO Jane that she found what could have been her future baby and didn't know what to do. She explained the pain she was in - the physical discomfort and mental pain. She admitted that while she felt guilty, she also felt a bit of relief.

"‘I’m sorry,’ I wanted to tell you, ‘I didn’t know.’," she wrote on XO Jane.

The woman put 'it' aside and cleaned up the mess around her with sticky hands and thighs almost stained. She couldn't keep her thoughts straight, she could only think about what she had just discovered, what she had just found. She was trying to decide what the next step should be.

She took out her mobile and took a photo.

Then a knock at the door snapped her back to reality. The children she was babysitting were hungry and were trying to find her.

"I was terrified someone would walk in to the mess and see what I was doing and think I was insane. I turned quickly to head them off and when I turned back you were suddenly gone. You, your papery bed -- gone. Lost in the mess around you," she wrote.

She finished her nannying shift and left work a very different person than when she'd arrived that morning. The next day she told her boyfriend, and he asked her if she'd known and if she would've wanted to keep it.

She kept the photos she took for herself.

"I looked at the photos while I searched for medical advice. I looked at the photos when I was in the hospital with an infection two weeks later. And here I am again, a full year later, looking at the photos," she wrote.

Whether she wanted to have the baby or not we'll never know. But what this woman went through is something she will never forget. She's still looking at those photos a year on and coming to terms with what happened.

Have you ever lost a baby, how did you cope?

Sands supports families in all stages of pregnancy loss and new born death through understanding and hope. For support, call 1300 072 637.

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