White bread, sports tape and all the other ways celebrities hide their genitals.

With their glamourised lives, enviable wardrobes and unfathomable bank accounts, celebrities aren’t really, like, real people, right?

But did you know they also don’t have genitals?!

Or, at least that’s what the A-list crowd wants us to think.

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Take Miley Cyrus for example. For the first time ever she’s been featured on the cover of British Vogue and holy moly, dressed in a green lingerie set by Prada, she is on fire!

Forget about buying your own flowers, Miley. I will throw them at your feet while you walk on by!

But open up the mag and you’re hit full-frontal with Miley’s practically full monty.

Dressed in a black, skin-tight, high-cut Saint Laurent bodysuit, the Hannah Montanna actress is fierce. 

But something's missing.

And so I ask, politely – where the heck are her bits?!

Smoothed out to within an inch of her life, the 30-year-old is neater and tidier than I feel could be humanly possible. 

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And I am not alone in my thinking, because social media has THOUGHTS and all cenre around *the logistics*.

“Amazing… but my lips could NEVER.”

“Where are her’s hiding?”

“She’s beautiful and all, but my cooter would eat that whole swimsuit up.”

“Umm, my who-ha would not fit in that tiny thing.”

While some on Facebook were convinced that Photoshop was at play, others suggested that tape was involved.

TAPE. Are you friggin' kidding me?! In the world of totally unrealistic beauty standards, are we actually hiding the fact that people have, you know, basic human anatomy?

I had to know more. So I went straight to the experts to LEARN ALL THE THINGS. And learn I did!

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Men stuff their jocks with bread.

“On shoots, we used smooshed white bread to cup men's packages to make them look smoother. This wasn't a preference from the crew or photographer, but more one of those things that gives models a little peace of mind. It also speeds up the post-production and retouching process considerably. I've had models request it, reject it and not be too bothered about it. It’s really a personal preference thing but on a big shoot day with multiple models, it's a bit easier. The best thing I learnt from a seasoned photographer is that the cheaper the bread, the better!” - Rachel, creative director.

Vaginas are hidden behind plastic.

“I’ve been on at least one swimwear shoot where I had to tape myself up with a sort of plastic adhesive pad, shaped like a sanitary pad, that just went over my crotch to make sure there weren't any bits poking out. It felt ridiculous but I imagine all of this is a bit more important for TV advertisements because it takes a hell of a lot more to edit those than any photographs.” - Emma, model.

Nips get covered with bandaids.

“We would always put bandaids on nipples, especially if it was cold, to prevent fripples coming up in the shot. This was super crucial for sheer outfits that we wanted to make look less sheer – no way could we see an areola on camera! Once, we didn’t bring bandaids, so the poor model had to get masking tape put across her nips.” - Sophie, marketing manager.

Women do tape their bits in.

“I used to use - and I know a lot of models who still do use - a strip of sports tape to tape myself together for peace of mind if I was in a g-string or a Miley-style outfit on a shoot. I don’t remember it being particularly painful, although if someone had hair down there I imagine it might be! It did take off my tan though. There was a straight line of whiteness! I haven’t needed to use tape for a long time, however, as I think the fear of popping out during shoots and performances was all in my head. I haven’t actually had any mishaps. I was a lot more self-conscious in those days, now I embrace it!” - Tegan, model.

I think it's high time that we added ‘free the lips’ to our to-do list!

Images: Vogue.