To all the mothers feeling guilty and judged,
That sick feeling you have in the pit of your stomach while following this week’s debate about working mothers and putting kids ahead of career? I get it. I know it. I’ve had it.
A column by Miranda Devine about how women should always put their children above their career (otherwise their lives are meaningless and nobody will be sad at their funeral) and the subsequent angry-teary defiant response by radio host Em Rusciano who passionately insisted women work because they have to and shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about it… these are good conversations to have.
Let's never dismiss them as 'mummy wars' because that's condescending bullshit. As women, this is an issue we're heavily invested in and it serves us all to air them thoroughly and often. There is no right answer for all women. Just the right answer for you.
I’m not going to slag off either Miranda or Em - or any woman - for the choices she makes around work and family. We’re all just trying to do our best.
Our biggest fear as mothers is that we’re doing it wrong. Our biggest hope is that there is a secret formula for making a happy, healthy child who will grow into a happy healthy adult with nothing but praise for our parenting skills. Hahahahaha.
Never gonna happen.
But I need to tell you some things. I’ve been a parent for almost 20 years and I’ve learned so much over that time. I want to share some of it here and now for every woman feeling a bit sick, guilty and judged by the public debate that rears so often as it has this week about working motherhood and never about working fatherhood... ever.
I’m writing this also for all those women who haven’t had kids yet but want to some day. I know you’re closely observing us as we hotly debate this, trying to figure out what Future You should do. Every time this issue comes up, you’re watching, listening and storing away everything you learn in a special place in your head and your heart that you’ll visit throughout your life after you become a mother and will be either a source of reassurance or anxiety for you, probably both. That’s motherhood. The struggle is real but also completely worth it.
Top Comments
Thank God for admitting that we can actually work just because because we WANT to. We don't have to justify it. Thank you.
Such a hard conflicting topic. I don't disagree with a lot of what Mia has written but on the other hand I feel like it's setting women up for a struggle. I think it's absolutely about choice and what is right for each person/family but sometimes feel articles like this normalise women 'having it all' and doesn't accurately reflect what it feels like to burn the candle at both ends. For eg; do you think MOST families can manage Mum & Dad being overseas for work for a couple of weeks? Unrealistic.
Like saying "Look how I lost all the baby weight...with a personal trainer and a team of chefs! You can too! All you need is a personal trainer and a team of chefs..."
It also doesn't address WHY there are no articles about the 'working dad' which I feel is a much bigger elephant in the room than whether you choose to work or not. A large reason I have never wanted to have children was the thought of being stuck with the child on my own because society would expect me as the mother to be the real 'parent' while the dad was essentially a sperm donor in the eyes of the law and the world at large.
Change this and you change everything.
And then you get a new dad caring for his infant daughter in parents' room at a shopping centre and he gets abused.....