My boss is about to become my mother-in-law and when you put it like that this all seems like a terrible idea.
Mia Freedman, entrepreneur, writer, podcaster, owner of too many trinkets, is about to become my mother-in-law and if the internet is anything to go by, she is also about to become a demon whose head will spin 360 degrees before immediately moving into our home, physically cutting me out of family photos and demanding to know what sex positions her grandchildren were conceived in (no... this is a real fight a random woman is having with her mother-in-law. It sounds very tense).
I decided that at this point there is only one (1) reasonable course of action.
This feels like a... risk.
It is time to consult the internet to help me compile a very specific list of mother-in-law rules that outline the clear boundaries of our relationship and then post them on her website immediately to ensure she sees it.
It would, of course, be too aggressive to send them to her directly. I may be telling my mother-in-law how I’d like her to behave once I officially infiltrate her family but I’m not going to be fckn rude about it.
...Can someone tag her on Instagram so she sees this thank you so much xxxx
Before I begin, here's some context. I did not:
A ) Start dating my boss’ son for a pay rise. If I did then I’m playing the long game and anyone who stays in a relationship for six years for a pay rise, in my opinion, very much deserves that pay rise.
B ) Start dating my boss’ son for the power. Imagine sleeping beside someone you hated for the rest of your life because you thought people would care more about what you had to say in meetings. Again, you would deserve any perks that came with such a sacrifice because your work ethic would be unparalleled.
C ) Receive my boss’ son as part of an unconventional reward and recognition scheme.
Instead, I fell in love, and love is about as difficult to come across as, well, a decent job in media.
So here we are.
Working together. In my boss' home. During lockdown.
After a great deal of research, I have collated a list of mother-in-law rules from the internet. They are as follows, and must be followed with the utmost respect by you, Mia Freedman.
1. No commenting on what I'm wearing.
I don't have a camel toe, you're just trying to start s**t.
If I come to work with a new combination of clothes on (which is rare), I already know it hasn't worked because not one person has complimented me.
If I am wearing a hat, I am feeling very vulnerable and ought to be encouraged for taking a risk. No criticisms of the hat.
If I'm wearing the same jumper for the fourth day in a row that I also wore to your place for dinner, actually you can see the pasta sauce stain, hush. We must keep each other's secrets. We are family now.
2. Gifts are welcome, if not encouraged.
Some (weird) forums of the internet discourage gifts (??) and suggest they can be controlling (????). Just so we're clear, I personally enjoy gifts for special occasions but also not for special occasions. Gifts are fine at any time of year and are always permissible unless they are baked goods laced with poison. Poison is passive-aggressive and could cause family friction.
3. Babysit my future children at all times.
OK, not at all times but if my partner and I want to go to, I don't know, the Maldives for a week are you free??
The grandkids aren't here yet, but lots of forums were firm on grandparents following the same rules as parents, so for example if the rule is no chocolate then no chocolate.
I don't know s**t because I'm not a parent yet... but if you're looking after them as long as you keep them alive I think we're sweet. Chocolate. IPads. Not having a nap. Eh. I'm in the Maldives having a cocktail, you do you.
4. No key to my house. However...
You don't get a key because I do strange things in my home when the door is closed that neither my mother-in-law nor my boss should know about. I speak to my dog in Spanish, even though I don't speak Spanish. I mutter under my breath about things that are pissing me off, such as my boss and relatedly my mother-in-law. I eat without pants on and sometimes nap when I should be working. Do you see?
However.
Many daughter-in-law forums yell about how rude it is when their mother-in-law cleans their home.
This is... I just... I think it would be fine if you wanted to clean my home say, twice a week.
If you could also do the laundry and wash my sheets, that would also be great. I think it would be a bonding experience for us both.
Cooking for us is also allowed as is vacuuming/walking the dog/doing the grocery shopping and unclogging the shower drain.
TYSM.
5. Always text before you call.
Unless someone is currently dying and/or dead.
6. Criticise my cooking.
This one came up a lot.
Luckily for both of us, I don't cook. If I order takeaway and your dish is a bit s**t, I give you permission to complain all you like. I didn't make it, and in your defence I probably chose the cheapest Thai on the menu. If it gives you food poisoning, I'll even apologise.
7. Try to mediate our arguments.
A LOT of daughters-in-law are pissed off about this one.
I can't imagine a worse use of literally anyone's time so let's agree to not knock on your door and ask you to be Judge Judy. It would be weird and, yeah, I'm probably in the wrong but that's not the point.
In conclusion, we should be absolutely fine as long as you're not stingy on gifts and you perform evil voodoo and ancient curses privately, where I can't see it.
Image: Supplied.
