Halfway through last year, a friend and I decided to take a friendship break. Not a holiday together. Even if we’d wanted to do that, lockdown made it impossible.
This was more like a stopping communication break. Like Ross and Rachel in Friends.
WE WERE ON A BREAK.
This friend is someone I’ve known and loved for many years and we have shared one another’s darkest and brightest hours.. So how is it that we mutually decided to have a month long break from our friendship?
Out of desperation really.
We both recognised that we were heading down a path where things were just getting too hard to continue being friends and that maybe, our friendship had run its course. The idea of a break came from our mutual exasperation and our hope that a time-out might work as a circuit breaker.
The trouble began with a niggle, as these things usually do.
We live very different lives in very different cities but this is not new for us. We always have. We learned to navigate that a long time ago.
Last year though, something changed.
I would text her and she wouldn’t text back. Or she would but I would misunderstand the tone of her response and feel dismissed. Or she would call me and I couldn’t talk and she would feel like she wasn’t a priority. And repeat.
Over the space of a few months, we had multiple skirmishes over text which was unlike us.
We kept clashing over things. Stupid things. And then in the process of trying to resolve what we were arguing about, we would start new arguments.
Our friendship, which was usually a source of energy and comfort for us both, became a drain. We both felt irritated and misunderstood by one another more often than not.
So in the heat of yet another cranky exchange, we agreed to have a break for a month.
Over the next few weeks, as I wondered who would be the first to reach out and what exactly we were meant to be achieving with our break, I realised we were at a crossroads.
Friendships don’t run on automatic pilot, not close ones. They require nurturing and they need to evolve if they are to survive.
Turning it over and over in my mind, I wondered if the idea that people come into your life for “a reason, a season or a lifetime” was in fact just playing out with this friend and that instead of being lifetime friends as we’d both assumed, maybe we were ‘season’ friends.
Is that what this was? The end of a season?
As time went on, I found myself rehearsing how our first conversation after the break would go. I thought of all the things I wanted to say, which mostly involved me explaining why I felt hurt and annoyed. I imagined what she would say, and I considered what my replies would be.
Some days the silence felt heavy and other days it felt like a relief. Nothing could be misinterpreted if you weren’t communicating.
And then one day, she just texted me. And I texted back. And we had a really good conversation. Over text.
Neither of us suggested talking on the phone because gross. I don’t talk to any of my friends on the phone and this is by mutual unspoken agreement. I’m not sure when this happened but I know that among all the women I know, there is a universal allergy to using our phones for talking to one another.
If one of us does use the phone for its OG purpose, the way the other person will answer is always “what’s happened?” or “are you OK?” because there is an implicit understanding that a phone is only to be used as a phone in an emergency.
A big reason for this, I think is our desire to do everything on-demand and be in complete control over our interactions with the world at all times. We watch TV programs and listen to podcasts when it suits us not when it suits some radio station or TV channel to broadcast them.
Please. Our time is precious, and we want to be in control of it.
Avoiding the phone is a big part of it.
By its nature, calling someone is an interruption to whatever they’re doing. You know you want to speak to them but by calling, you take control of their time.
Stop it.
This is also why even those among us who still speak on the phone, always text first.
Is now a good time? Can I call you at 4pm? I need to call you to talk about x.
Women have always communicated more than men.
Texting with my girlfriends is one of my favourite things to do in the world.
And the regularity of our contact - particularly in WhatsApp groups - has enabled me to stay close and grow closer to so many people who make my life better on a daily basis.
One on one texting can be harder though because there is more of a burden.
In a group chat, there’s always someone around to talk, which alleviates the pressure.
When it’s just you and one other friend (or parent or child), things can go bad if your communication rhythm or style is not the same.
Another friend of mine who lives overseas likes to send voice memos. Not voicemails (that’s worse than calling someone) but just text messages that are recordings.
There are special apps you can use for this like Marco Polo but it’s easier to just use the voice memo app on your phone or hold down the microphone button on the screen if you’re using WhatsApp.
I’ve been doing this with my overseas friend for a while, and it’s awesome. Sometimes we send long messages - more than five minutes - and other times it’s just a minute.
There’s no pressure to feel like you have to listen immediately or respond immediately. Because that can feel like another job.
What it does though, is let you hear your friend’s voice, their tone, their vibe but at a time that suits you. For the person leaving the message, it’s so much faster and you can convey so much more information in a much shorter time when you speak.
It also takes the pressure off how to end a conversation in a text chat which can sometimes feel awkward. And you can tell stupid stories or add details that somehow feel like too much work in a text.
So.
While you're here, listen to Mamamia Out Loud's episode on broken friendships. Hosted by me - Mia Freedman, Holly Wainwright and Jessie Stephens. Post continues after audio.
When our break ended, my friend and I talked about how we have different communication styles right now because our lives are in different places and we have different demands on our time and energy. We’ve decided to try voice memos sometimes (we still also text but we manage our expectations around frequency) and it’s been excellent.
I recorded one for her the other day while I was putting on my makeup.
She recorded one for me while she was walking her dog.
I listened to it when I was driving home from work.
The idea of navigating communication styles can feel cringey. Forced. Awkward. Oh, I know.
But what I’ve learned is that if you don’t, you can accidentally grow apart from friends you love.
And with all the shit going on in the world? I want to keep my friends close.
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