"The 8 most pressing questions I have about this year's Met Gala outfits."

There are countless pop culture events I don’t understand, but none are as perplexing as the Met Gala.

You see, it’s the famous people. They show up to a red carpet. There’s a theme, that’s usually very artsy and open to interpretation, and everyone’s meant to dress according to that theme.

But the theme is very abstract and there’s no universal agreement on what it means, and in turn, what qualifies as an appropriate costume. So everyone spends the next week arguing over who was well-dressed, who was boring, who didn’t understand the theme (none of us understand the theme), and who didn’t get invited because they probably accidentally pissed off Anna Wintour.

This year, the theme was Camp: Notes on Fashion, with camp referring to fashion that’s humorous, ironic or highly exaggerated.

It was hosted by Lady Gaga and Harry Styles, which might explain why Lady Gaga ended up in her underwear on the stairs at approximately 7pm, but probably doesn’t.

Given my lack of insight into fashion and general confusion around celebrity events, I would like to ask the following 8 questions about the outfits everyone's talking about from the Met Gala.

1. Miley, what the actual hell?

Miley... pls.

You dress like this to appear on a talk show:

And like this to appear on another talk show:

But when it comes to the Met Gala, where the theme is literally exaggerated fashion - and you're allowed to be as extra as you possibly can - you wear... this:

A green glittery dress and stockings may very well be the most conservative thing Miley Cyrus has ever worn.

IT FEELS DISRESPECTFUL TO ALL OF US.

2. Why are you a type of light?

There's 'extra', and then there's turning up to an event as a chandelier.

I can't for the life of me work out if this is meant to be clever or symbolic in some way.

All I know is that Katy Perry is wearing an actual chandelier and a) how do you get through doors, b) where is the electricity coming from, and c) I like how the shoes are matching.

3. Kris... is that you?

Errr... Kris Jenner doesn't look like Kris Jenner anymore, and instead looks like she's morphing into a composite of all her daughters.

Also her outfit is crinkled which seems very un-Kris. At least she can fit precisely NOTHING in her handbag.

4. Where have either of you... been? For literally a decade?

Every year, I forget about Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen until they arrive at the Met Gala.

I have no idea what they're doing life-wise, but I like that they still dress matching at 32.

Also how James Corden in the background couldn't be less interested in their presence.

5. Is that a nightie?

I'm becoming the type of person I hate, but: HOW IS THIS CAMP?

It's a yellow nightie with orange earrings which is fine for your leisure time, Gwyneth, but not when Gemma Chan is to your right wearing a literal crown.

It's also see-through but I'm guessing that was the point???

6. Can I pls organise to be carried like this from now on?

It's for fashion.

7. Did no one want to give Richard Madden a heads up about where he was going? Anyone?

This guy clearly thought he was going to a typical celebrity black-tie event.

Thought he might even stand out a 'lil bit with his statement boots.

Then he looked beside him and saw this:

How embarrassing.

8. Are you wearing your own face as an accessory?

Sometimes a fashion person says:

"Hey Jared - you know what would look great for the Met Gala? If you brought your own face as an accessory. Like a handbag - except it's your head. That you're holding. For no reason."

And then Jared Leto says:

"So much yes."

And then this happens.

But it turns out you're not even being that original, because:

9. Sir... are you also wearing your own face as an accessory?

Jared Leto wasn't even the only one to accessorise with his own face.

Ezra Miller also carried a spare face, and wore five extra eyes.

Speaking to Vice on Monday, Miller described his look as "this death...like this ultimate transformation that we all have to do at least once.

"The celebration of camp is almost funereal...It's almost like it dies as it walks in the room. But I think it consumes the other as well. You know? I think it's like fire and oxygen."

No part of me understands anything that happened on that red carpet.

And that's how I know the 2019 Met Gala went exactly as planned.