Joe was abusive in his marriage. He says he didn't realise until police were knocking on his door.

Content warning: This story deals with domestic violence and may be distressing to some readers. 

*Joe will never forget the day he was served with a family violence intervention order for abuse against his separated wife and children. Nor should he forget.

It was a sunny afternoon in June 2018 when a police car pulled up in his driveway and knocked on his door.

"I was like, 'What's going on here?' And then the officer explained about the violence intervention order. It stated I was not to go near my ex-wife or children before a subsequent court case," he tells Mamamia.

"It was heartbreaking to read what I had done, including accusing her of mismanaging the finances so I could control the money, complaining that our son was just another mouth to feed now that he was born, verbally abusing her and making her friends feel too uncomfortable to visit, which isolated her as well. 

"I had made her feel unsafe in her own home."

It was this interaction with police that led Joe to want to change. 

Watch: women and violence, the hidden numbers. Post continues below.

"If I am honest, I was in shock. I had no idea I was an abusive man. I thought I knew what family violence was. It was hitting or threatening your partner or children. I had no idea there was such a thing as emotional abuse or financial abuse," says Joe.

"I had grown up in a family structure growing that was quite abusive, like my stepdad was very abusive. I would go to school with bruises or be unable to walk properly. The last time he and I talked he pointed a gun at me and said he would shoot me before he shot himself. I knew that as family violence. But just because I didn't hit my ex-wife doesn't mean I wasn't abusive. I know that now."

For over 10 years Joe and his ex-wife were married. They have three kids together, though Joe says he avoided much of his kids' lives. He never changed a nappy. It obviously went beyond no nappies though — he would shut down emotionally and stonewall his wife.

Reeling from the realisation he had been a perpetrator, Joe was looking for things he could do to get the help and tools he needed.

"I drove home one day, crying my eyes out in the truck. I knew I had to do something. I had two options as I saw it — get into this Men's Behaviour Change Program, which I found through a Google search, or go to the psych ward."

He opted for the Men's Behaviour Change Program.

Within three weeks of applying to join, Joe was attending his first class.

"I was quite nervous. There was such a diverse group of men there —  from tradesmen, to those covered in tattoos, others in suits, some were as young as 18 and 19," says Joe. "I guess it doesn't matter how you get onto the path, you're all sort of having to wind down it. I felt I was in the right place."

The program involved various activities such as reflections, writing, drawing, brainstorming and simply talking. This space allowed the men to learn skills in listening, expressing empathy and confronting each other in an appropriate manner, as well as finding alternatives to expressing anger.

"I could have moved on to another relationship and continued the same violent behavior, and that would have affected another family. I don't want anyone else damaged by my actions," Joe tells Mamamia. 

"Helping victims is extremely important. But I think helping perpetrators, men in this instance, is also important because we need to stop the cycle. The trauma I have caused is mine to carry, and to repair with my children. I don't want to perpetuate the violence."

Margaret Chipperfield was a social worker for 25 years and for 10 of those years she was the co-facilitator of Men's Behaviour Change Groups at Anglicare Victoria.

"When the Men's Behaviour Change programs first started they were a mere dot of a response to the level of violence and abuse perpetrated in the community, but it was a start," says Margaret.

As a victim of abuse herself, Margaret has a powerful perspective. Her focus has been trying to break the cycle — and that begins and ends with working with men directly. There have been rare points during this work where Margaret says she has been called "a traitor" by other women. 

"My response to being called a traitor was at first one of anger. The incident also served to motivate me even more to work on supporting men through the change process and showing the world that change is possible," she notes.

"I would certainly not guarantee permanent changes in anyone, nor would I guarantee that anyone who had never perpetrated violence or abuse would never do so in the future. However, I do believe that many of these men have made significant changes, most of which will remain with them for life."

Joe's story is one of many featured in Margaret's new book, No Buts.

The program itself only runs for 20 weeks, which despite being very good, is not long enough for most men to make and sustain change, with calls for additional government funding. But for some of the men involved in the program, Joe included, they chose to stay part of a long-term group attached to the program. It's these select men that shared their stories for No Buts.

In just two words, the book's title encapsulates one of the program's group rules, that 'no buts' could be put forward to excuse behaviour. No baggage from the past could justify choices to behave with violence or any kind of abuse. It's one of many lessons Joe has learned since acknowledging what he did in his former marriage. 

"I'm pretty proud of my journey from where I was in 2018 to now. Writing my chapter for the book about what I had done and then re-reading it, it's shown me how far I have actually come on the journey," he says.

For Margaret, she admits she was nervous about how her book would be received. 

Centreing victim-survivors in these conversations is always of the highest importance. It would be remiss however not to talk about how perpetrators — who are statistically mostly men — can break the cycle and change their behaviour. This is exactly what Margaret aims to do. 

"I'm hopeful that it will serve to increase the community's understanding about the breadth and depth of abuse. While teenagers are expected to thoroughly learn the legalities of driving when applying for their licenses, no courses to my knowledge deal with the legal definition of family violence or how to recognise or deal with it from any perspective," she explains. 

"We need to change the course of the current epidemic. And it's promising that amid the call for men to 'step up', these 12 men I've spoken to and worked with in the program have stepped up. It gives me hope."

For almost four years Joe was involved with the program, and for years he continued to receive one-on-one counselling. He ended up accepting the violence intervention order without admissions, and after 12 months the order wasn't renewed by his ex-wife.

Today, Joe is on good terms with his ex-wife. He speaks to his daughter every week or two, he sees his eldest son once a week, and he has a particularly strong relationship with his youngest son. Joe has a new partner now too.

"She is great, my current partner. She has four kids and we've had plenty of conversations about family violence and coercive control. We're on the same page and we communicate a lot better, and that's because of all the help I've had over the years from the program to the personal counselling," he says.

"There are no negatives from admitting you need help and trying to change. Only good can come from it."

No Buts is available to be purchased here and also where all good books are sold.

Joe's identity is known to Mamamia, he has changed his name for privacy reasons.

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a national organisation that helps women, children and families move on after the devastation of domestic and family violence. Their mission is to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most. If you would like to support their mission you can donate here. 

Feature Image: Canva.