Brave man: "Men are now more objectified than women."

One brave, important man has just said what we’ve all known to be true since the first Magic Mike film came out: Men are objects.

Columnist Martin Daubney has nobly called out the real targets of rampant sexism in our society: Handsome white men.

Martin is in possession of XY chromosomes and a laptop, which of course qualifies him to make such bold assertions about men being so hard done by in life. In a column for The Telegraph, Daubney describes the hot, salivating, sweaty, aroused mess all women have become since they discovered that abdominal muscles are quite visually pleasing.

And — get this — he even allowed his publishers to include a photograph of his own face — thereby risking his very own objectification. The man is a prodigy, and a hero among men (See below, but please respect this man’s right to be more than just a bearded face #saveDaubney).

Don’t worry, don’t worry — a man like Martin Daubney doesn’t make such sweeping observations about gender without backing them up with solid evidence. What do you take him for, some kind of sex object?

Without further ado, here’s the incontrovertible proof that men are objectified more than women.

Exhibit A. MAGIC MIKE, The Sequel. 

In which male stripper characters take their clothes off for a living, and female viewers perform secret devious objectification rituals with their eyes and loins.

Exhibit 2. JAMIE DORNAN, in 50 Shades of Grey.

In which a man emotionally, physically, and emotionally dominates a woman for the duration of the film and/or book.

In real life, this actor model man makes part of his living by being physically attractive and receives money to take his clothing off his perfect form.

That’s it. That’s all you get. The existence of these two men and these two films is evidence enough. Attractive white men have been objectified, can’t you see?

But you know what? According to Martin Daubney, they’re kind-of cool with it. Men are supremely patient, tolerant, and generous, you see, so they don’t even mind when women reduce them to their physical appearance. They’re all, like, “Maybe I’ll get laid more now!” and “Maybe I’ll go to the gym today?”

Whereas, when women feel objectified, they’re such nuisances about it! God, what nuisances! They fear for their lives. They complain to authorities when their partners devalue their existences by violating them sexually or physically. They whinge to their friends when men rape them because they feel a basic entitlement to their bodies. They even go and get themselves killed by men who hate women so much, they want to extinguish the life from their sexy female bodies.

Read more: The distressing phone call that changed the fight against domestic violence.

It really is such tiresome behaviour from females. They should behave more like men when they’re objectified. More like this, from Daubney, who definitely understands what objectification actually is:

Our frankly tremendous response to all this male objectification hasn’t been “the world’s a terrible place, I might start a protest at change.org” but a very healthy “Mmm, what’s in it for me?” and a knowingly cynical “If I look more like these guys the women swoon over, I might get laid more often <Googles gym membership>”

So we don’t complain to Ofcom, or peevishly whinge to Everyday Sexism. We react sensibly – and get our arses to the gym so they’ll look better in David Beckham underpants.

If you don’t believe that men are now objectified more than women, it’s probably because you’re blinded by lust. We apologise for showing you images of the male form in various states of undress.

Just going to leave this moving image of writhing men here as your final test. If you watch it — or worse, if you enjoy it — then obviously male objectification is now a social epidemic as severe as the way we reduce women’s entire identities to their appearances.

Gotcha.