An uncensored conversation between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

It’s 8pm and the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have just completed a full day of royal engagements.

They’ve done the shaking of the clammy hands, the cuddling of the (cuter) children, the gentle patting of the old ladies and the accepting of the handmade – predominantly shit – gifts.

Meghan has a throbbing blister on her left little toe, and, look, she hasn’t wanted to say anything but it would appear that Harry’s deodorant wore off two and a half hours ago, as can be expected in the Fijian heat.

But as they retreat to their hotel room, keen for a hot shower and perhaps a little Snickers from the mini-bar, a hidden microphone picks up their very candid conversation and goodness this is not at all what we were expecting.

Harry: I don't mean to be rude, but did that woman with the 'Couple Goals' sign actually visibly cough into her hand before forcing us to shake it? Did that occur?

Meghan: Yeah, that was f*cked. I looked down at my hand and there was legitimately phlegm on it. From the colour it looks like she has a bacterial infection. Like I'm pregnant FFS.

Harry: Speaking of that; names. What do you think of... Daphne?

Meghan: Sweetie, no. There can only be one Daphne. I say we f*ck with everyone and name it 'George'.

Harry: We can't... do that. Nanny said.

Meghan: You're obsessed with your Nanny.

Harry: What?

Meghan: I didn't want to say anything but honestly you're obsessed with your family. You're always in your group chat and saying things like 'Nanny says you can't be on Instagram, Meghan'. That rule only exists because there was no Internet when she was born in 1746.

Harry: Meghan, that's petty. Also, Nanny said she didn't like the high slit in your dress or the open-toed shoes you wore to the beach. She said they were... never mind.

Meghan: Says the man who won't stop wearing a bright blue Hawaiian shirt in Fiji.

Harry: Meghan, please. It makes me look fun. You know that.

Meghan: Yes, I know, sorry. Oh also, apparently the footage of our cuddles with Luke, the cute kid from Dubbo, is going viral. I swear we should make our own YouTube channel.

Harry: I miss Luke.

Meghan: We all miss Luke. But I'm pretty sure he only liked you because of your beard.

Harry: Meghan, you don't mean that.

Meghan: Why didn't you give him your beard?

Harry: You're being... hormonal.

Meghan: Sorry. I'm just upset that I'm doing all this stuff and I can't put any of it on Instagram. I have so many good captions and nowhere to put them.

Harry: THAT'S WHY I GAVE YOU ACCESS TO THE KENSINGTON PALACE ACCOUNT.

Meghan: IT'S NOT THE SAME YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

 

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"Everyone should be afforded the opportunity to receive the education they want, but more importantly the education they have the right to receive. And for women and girls in developing countries, this is vital.” — swipe to watch The Duchess of Sussex’s first speech, announcing the award of two new grants to Fiji National University and @UniSouthPacific. These grants will allow them to run workshops which empower their female staff, ensure that women are provided with the training and skills to operate effectively in their roles, and those with leadership potential are given the opportunity to be heard and recognised at the most senior level. #RoyalVisitFiji #Fiji #Suva

A post shared by Kensington Palace (@kensingtonroyal) on Oct 23, 2018 at 8:58pm PDT

Harry: Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Meghan: You wanna watch Suits or nah?

Harry: Probably nah.

Meghan: Okay well I'm gonna have the chips from the mini bar and your Nan can pay for it. There's meant to be a Chinese place down the street, want to get that for dinner?

Harry: That's not a... thing we can... do.

Listen: Why Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are everyone's favourite royals. Post continues. 

Pause. 

Meghan: Hey, Harry? Can you not tell your family what I said about you being obsessed with them?

Harry: Oh. I already did. Nanny sent an angry emoji.

Meghan: FFS.