"Dear Meghan Markle, I hear you need a new assistant. I'm available."

Dear Meghan Markle , Duchess of Sussex,

I understand the position of your assistant has recently become vacant, as that blonde woman who holds your flowers – Melissa, was it? – has decided to quit for some reason.

Anyway, I presume you’re now hiring, and I’m hoping you might consider me for the role.

While I don’t technically have any experience as a personal assistant, I’m extremely dedicated and a fast learner (I picked up all the lyrics to Baby Shark after just two listens), and I can assure you I’ll stick around for longer than six months. Especially if the pay is good.

I understand you haven’t publicly released official job description [see footnote], but I believe I’ve gathered enough detail from Daily Mail articles to know that I would be well-suited to the requirements of the role.

Namely:

• I am familiar with your previous work: I’ve seen about 6.5 hours worth of Suits, as well as that episode of CSI: New York from 2006 in which you played a maid. Or something.
• I have experience dealing with famous people: I once bumped into Russell Crowe at a concert, and I didn’t even freak out.
• I am proficient in wrangling difficult relatives: While none of mine have sold my backstory to the tabloids, I do have a dodgy cousin who ‘forgot’ about our Secret Santa. Let’s just say, if you need a deftly plotted seating chart for Christmas lunch, I’m your gal.
• I would have precisely no qualms telling strangers to back off/hurry up/stop touching your hair. I would even be committed to learning these phrases in multiple languages, should that be advantageous.
• I always carry hand-sanitiser.
• I know where you get your slingbacks, and I have a discount code.

In the interests of full-disclosure I should declare that I have pollen allergies. So you might need someone else to handle the flower-holding bit.

Should I be successful, I’m available to start next Tuesday. It would be sooner, but I’d need time to re-home my goldfish and get a passport. If one of your new relos could nudge the latter along, that would be fab. No pressure or anything. Just let me know.

Regards,

Belinda. (Or you can always just call me Melissa, if that makes things easier.)

P.S. You might want to consider re-training the office at Kensington Palace. In the process of compiling this application, I called seeking a job description. After the fourth attempt, I was patched through to Interpol for some reason. Would be happy to take this on as my first KPI.