The Married at First Sight couples had a dinner party, and it was a complete disaster.

We need you to be seated for this.

Grab a glass/bottle/case of wine. Take a deep breath. Because HOLY MOLEY, this might just be the most intense episode of reality television involving fake married couples we’ve ever seen.

We almost can’t right now. But we will…

It’s the night of the dinner party. As any loyal Married at First Sight viewer would know, this is the episode where all-that-is-great about this show comes to a head.

We begin with Jess, who introduces her situation pretty accurately: “I’m about to go and see someone who, after four days, decided they didn’t like me, soo…” Eugh. Dem feels.

But Jess ain’t sad about it. She’s not laying in bed crying about golfing Dave. She plans to do exactly what any independent, confident and newly-dumped woman would do.

She’s going to, AND WE QUOTE, “You know… show him what he’s missing.”

Jess. This might just be the best plan you’ve ever had.

"I'm not going to lie... I bought a new outfit, as you do", Jess says. This may just be the truest thing ever said on reality television.

OH GOODNESS HER PLAN KEEPS GETTING BETTER. "I wanna walk in there and look amazing and feel amazing and really show that he wrote me off a little too soon". YES JESS. Homg we can't wait.

We cut to Dave, and the producers are having A LOT of fun with this contrast.

You see, 'I have no bad habits' Dave is back to brushing his teeth like an eccentric three-year-old.

But that isn't all. Dave does nothing for his villain status when he DARES to make a comment about ironing.

"I'm not the best at ironing," he says.

"So eventually, when I get a girl in my life,  maybe, um, one of the prerequisites will be that she can do my ironing for me."

via GIPHY

Jess, you dodged a f*cking bullet.

Here's a fun game. Let's play "Spot the red flag".

Clue: There are two.

Meanwhile, Michael and Bella can't stop having/thinking/talking about sex.

Bella tells us, "We got intimate pretty early on". Yes, Bella. We gathered that from the time you listed all the rooms you'd had sex in.

But lucky for us, Bella has all the right questions for when she meets the other couples. She wants to "find out when they had sex", and SO DO WE.

Over to Keller and Nicole, where Keller pronounces 'Mardi GraS' with a hard 's', and Nicole has to ask him if he actually knows what it is. He doesn't. He doesn't know what Mardi Gras is. This is the first sign of what's to come.

Keller and Nicole get to their hotel room and Keller starts fiddling with some random rope, which is clearly meant to be decorative. It is at this point that we come to a critical realisation: Keller might be one of those people you've really got to be in the mood for. Like, yeah, he's fun to watch when we're lying in front of the TV on a Wednesday night — but before a stressful event, where he won't stop FIDDLIN', no thank you.

None of this matters right now, because most importantly Jess' eye make up is ON POINT.

Oh, and we're interrupted by the experts desperately trying to inject some science into the storyline in a bid to justify their existence/wage.

The, er, man expert says, "At this stage of the experiment, they start to compare themselves to the other couples..."

Yes, well, that's probably because you forced them to go to a dinner party and perform their love in front of all the other fake married couples.

The female expert then says that it's at this point that "...self doubt starts to creep in" while smiling like a f*cking maniac.

Jesus, woman.

Now over to Monica and Mark, who it appears grew REALLY close without... showing us. We don't like all their in-jokes because we feel like we're not included.

Before they enter what will become the Red Wedding of dinner parties, Mark and Monica embark on a thumb war.

Yes, really.

The experts watch their thumb war on an absurdly small television, and at one point suggest that it's "almost like a mating ritual". Wtf is even going on right now...

Now for The Red Wedding Dinner Party.

via GIPHY

Two couples arrive and engage in awkward banter. It's not noteworthy. And then Jess walks in.

"Hi, I've brought a date" she says, holding a bottle of wine.

And what a hot date he is.

This was a clever move by Jess for THREE reasons.

1. She turned up with wine. Good move.
2. She made a joke, establishing herself as a) likeable and b) charismatic.
3. But most importantly, she turned up first. 

By the time Dave arrives, everyone knows him as the douchebag that broke up with Jess on the last day of their honeymoon. And who would break up with Jess?! She brought wine. 

The three couples and two, er, 'loners' (?) sit down to enjoy a nice peaceful dinner.

Before anyone has even had a chance to pour themselves a glass of wine, Michael and Bella are basically having sex on the dinner table. But then Keller (AKA a producer's dream) asks Jess and Dave, "So, uh, what happened with you guys anyway?"

The ensuing conversation can be summed up in the following three images:

When your boyfriend is explaining to all your new friends why he dumped you...

Your face when your ex husband says that not even for one second did he regret breaking up with you...

Everyone's face while listening to Dave right now...

DAVE. WE. GET. IT.

Oh GOD it hurts so much to listen to.

But then Jess pulls this out.

"You treated me incredibly badly for those four days. You were incredibly distant. You spoke to a horse more than you spoke to me. You wouldn't even engage in polite conversation, and then you were on your phone, which is rude. You said it would be more comfortable if we went to the airport separately. That's something no one will ever forget being told."

SLAY, GIRL. Where is this woman's round of applause? She practiced that shit in the MIRROR.

Jess literally just said what every woman everywhere has ever wanted to say.

Just when we thought this night couldn't get any better, the couples move onto the subject of sexy time.

Bella announces that she and Michael had sex on the first day of their honeymoon. She then starts probing (lol) everyone about when they did it, where they did it, maybe even how they did it. But Keller and Nicole aren't that keen on sex talk.

Oh, hang on.

Keller seems to be slurring a little bit. His eyes are a little... droopy.

AND THEN...as Bella is making some offhanded remark about not wanting babies, having lots of ex-boyfriends and being open about sex (amen, sista), Keller says:

"I bet you have. After sleeping with a guy after one night, I bet you've been in a lot of relationships."

Wh... what? Did our unlikely romantic hero just... just... slut-shame Bella? Is he... is he joking?

No. He assures us all he is as serious "as a heart attack".

NOOOOOOO.

WHYYYYYYYYYY!?

Why did this have to happen, Keller?!

Then two men, both of whom we love, start to go head-to-head.

Michael defends his (fake) wife Bella, accusing Keller of not having "as much life experience as what he's said."

Keller responds, "Really? From a fashion designer?"

KELLER!

At this point, Nicole is all of us when our new partner who we just realised we don't know very well turns out to be a bad drunk. She just... walks away.

OH GOD, IT CONTINUES. THIS IS REALITY TV GOLD.

"We got married and then we had sex on our honeymoon. Is that really a bad thing?" asks Michael.

Then, JESUS, Keller tells Michael he thinks they should have a "personal conversation", but somehow we think maybe Keller doesn't really want to have a personal conversation. We think maybe he just wants to hit Michael.

In a piece to camera, Michael tells the camera, "I don't think Keller's ever been to a dinner party when a serious conversation was held."

Okay, in Keller's defence, he legitimately hasn't. He actually told Nicole on the way here that he'd never been to a dinner party.

BUT OH MY GOD IT'S STILL GOING.

Keller says, "At least I'm happy to be able to have kids and be able to say that I'm a self made man."

This is the conversation we've all heard at the pub and pretended to ignore but really we're listening to the whole thing.

Keller then has a dig at Michael's career, saying "I'm not a f*cking fashion f*cking designer."

"Fuck*n hero."

Keller, pls. You need to stop.

Michael hits back, "I'm glad you can get a job with tattoos like that on your hands."

Keller stands up, looks Michael straight in the eye, and demands, "You and me need to have a conversation right now."

"Come out here and f*cking talk to me."

This is all the producers ever wanted. It's a network's dream come true.

And the best thing about it? Keller made us forget all about Dave. There's nothing that quite helps you forget your own drama like watching other people's. Jess is stoked to no longer be the outcast.

Now the ladies can bond over their marriages to people they really didn't know at all.

But, somehow, there's one couple who have come out of this cray-cray night even stronger.

It's a FACT that nothing brings two people closer together than mutual hatred for other people. And Michael and Bella are looking very, very close.

By the end of the dinner party, we're meant to believe all three couples (and the two loners) have made up. But we're not forgetting about the best night of television history any time soon, thank you very much.

Need a bit of true love in your life? Mamamia Book Club is smitten with this modern-day re-telling of Pride and Prejudice.

Our mum keeps insisting we are two different people. For more from us....

You can follow Clare Stephens on Facebook, here.

And you can follow Jessie Stephens on Facebook, here.