It’s the morning after the dinner party.
Everyone appears to be extremely hung over, no one more so than Clare who literally attempted to drink away Jono.
Clare and Jono speak to the cameras about the tragedy that is the demise of their relationship, while Dutchie (who is just out of view) celebrates with her brother, known only as ‘Clare’s other dog’.
Presumably, this is the last we’ll see of Clare and Jono, which leaves us with mixed feelings. But alas – our mixed feelings are resolved when Clare gives us the quote of the series, while reflecting on her future as a single woman:
“Worst case scenario [she means BEST CASE scenario] I’ll foster 80 dogs, and die as a single, happy woman at 82 and you’ll find my body half eaten by random foster dogs. And I probably would’ve died pretty happy.”
Clare's face after imagining herself being eaten by foster dogs. Have you ever seen someone so happy? Image courtesy of Channel 9.
And with that - the most beautiful love story to take place on television is off our screens - but will forever remain in our hearts. #ClareAndDutchie
'Psychologist' Mel Schilling introduces us to the focus of this episode: the home visits. She says this phase of the 'experiment' (if they use that word one more time we swear to God...) will allow them to "assess the strengths and weaknesses of each couple".
We thought that given the significant lack of insight given by the 'experts' on the show, we might as well do a quick little recap of the strengths and weaknesses of each couple, and vie for jobs as reality TV psychologists.
Ahem.
Simone and Xavier:
Strengths: Their faces and/or bodies and/or synchronised meal prep.
Weaknesses: Xavier's hair and/or Simone's inability to pronounce 'Xavier'.
Erin and Bryce:
Strengths: Swearing and/or Bryce's sassy 'road trip!' zinger.
Weaknesses: None. Obviously.
Christie and Mark:
Strengths: Mark really likes Christie, and would (for real this time) marry her tomorrow.
Weaknesses: Christie doesn't really like Mark.
FIN.
As we return to the couples who are still working on leaving the Blue Mountains, we realise that Xavier and Simone have spent significantly more time talking about their relationship than actually having it. This is likely to become a problem at some point.
Meanwhile, Erin and Bryce are being ridiculously cute as they pack up to leave (again with the inexplicable huge suitcases), and we can't help but notice the cutest thing of all: that their little Blue Mountains lodge is just as weird as the couple in it.
Seriously though. How did they even find it? Image courtesy of Channel 9.
OH NO. It's the ominous clouds again. We sense imminent conflict.
Annnnd that didn't take long - because Christie and Mark are fighting on their way home from the Blue Mountains. It's a seven hour trip back to the farm for the couple, which by any standards is a truly absurd amount of time to travel for one night.
It becomes clear that Christie resents Mark for Australian geography, and that Mark is genuinely sorry.
It's not okay, Mark. Do better. Image courtesy of Channel 9.
Mark quickly gets to work on improving Australian geography, in an attempt to get as much as a smile out of his very dissatisfied wife. After all, the distance between Sydney city and rural Victoria is all Mark's fault. Thanks a lot, Mark.
As we return to Bryce's apartment in Melbourne, him and Erin are having a very intimate conversation.
It's... it's the moths. Erin is scared that there might be moths in Bryce's room, so asks the question we've all asked our partner: "swear on our relationship there are no moths."
She just really, really, REALLY does NOT like moths.
Watch Erin vs moth here. But seriously. If you watch but ONE video this year let this be it. Post continues after video...
We don't know what's better - that she has a moth phobia, or that she's so sorry about it.
When Bryce asks Erin what about moths makes them so scary, she says, "Their f**king beating, powder-y ass wings. You can't tell what way they're going. I think they're dumb enough to chase me."
It's clear that Erin has thought more about moths than any other aspect of her life.
This is truly riveting television.
With the substance of Bryce and Erin's relationship exhausted, we're taken back to the farm, where a judgey narrator sets the tone by saying, "after a long day on the road...."
OK. IT WAS. IT WAS A LONG DAY. Seven hours IS a genuinely long time on the road. Literally anyone would be cranky.
The psychologists also weigh in, commenting that negotiating a long distance relationship is all about 'communication' and 'compromise'. Okay - people break up all the time because of distance. It's a seriously legitimate concern in a relationship. So WHY on earth set up a couple who don't live in the same state?
Christie is (understandably) cranky, and complains that she's just spent a day in a car when she'll have to leave again in two days for work in Sydney.
"I must like this guy," she says, unconvincingly. "Because I wouldn't do it for anyone else."
That is just not the face of a person in love. Image courtesy of Channel 9.
We can all agree that her face says everything.
Mark is worried. His attempts to reorganise the landscape of Australia are failing.
He goes into the other room to apply for Farmer Wants a Wife.
"I'm Mark, I'm 36, and I'm a farmer looking for love."
Well, this is awkward.
Shortly after, the couple return to Sydney. Bla bla, point is Mark goes FULL TOURIST and it's hilarious. Allow us to demonstrate.
In the words of Erin, "WHAT. THE. S**T." Image courtesy of Channel 9.
The next couple to fall apart are Xavier and Simone. Simone wants Xavier to plan something romantic for her, and Xavier's being... shady.
He says he might be busy on the weekend. Nothing planned yet. But he could, theoretically, have something to do. All the things he can't do during the week. Like... like...
Look, his hair isn't set, and he's probably just cranky.
No one wants to look at Xavier's unset hair, so we return to the real lovebirds: Erin and Bryce.
Their wedding photos have just arrived, and Erin expresses her joy the only way she knows how - by swearing profusely.
"Babe, these are bigger," she says of the new photos she's located. "More room for us to f**k up". She then describes one of the wedding pictures (quite accurately) as "arty as f**k."
NOW IT'S TIME TO MEET THE PARENTS.
This episode was almost entirely sold on meeting the in-laws, but it honestly was mostly about Erin's fear of moths.
Erin and Bryce visit Bryce's parents (it's not yet clear why the couples are only meeting one set of parents tonight), and his dad jokes, "Is this just a one-night stand for a month?" Err...we don't think he understands the meaning of a one-night stand. But, no, it's not really like that, because they got married. YOU WERE THERE, DAD.
At Simone's parents' place, Xavier is trying to commit as little as possible without sounding like a d**khead.
Simone's mum is worried Xavier is too young, and hasn't "done everything you need to do as a young man," which sounds oddly... sexual.
Xavier assures her that "'While she's in my care - I'll do anything." Dude... she's not a... pet. He sounds like a salesman for an aged-care facility.
Essentially, he ended up promising he'd be there tonight. Look, he doesn't even know what he's doing on the weekend let alone next month, so we all just need to give him a break and let Xavier do Xavier.
At Christie's house, a strange child tells Mark, "No offence Christie, but she's a bit of a crazy person."
This is her response:
"You little s**t. You promised not to tell." Image courtesy of Channel 9.
But the real s**t storm hits when Bryce's mum asks Erin whether she wants kids. Erin admits, "I've never really thought about it. I've never really pictured having children in my life."
So we'll leave you on this note: Erin has, extensively, thought about the possibility of moths landing in her mouth, and not knowing what their intentions are, but she has not, at all, ever thought about whether or not she'd like to have kids. Even when applying for a show where it would likely come up.
Top Comments
i really really dislike moths too, for all the reasons erin stated.