Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Two grooms make John Aiken VERY MAD.

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After two weeks of wholesome viewing - involving gaslighting, mocking, ick lists and simply too much talk of 'hammers' - the couples are gearing up to face the experts, but mostly each other, at this year's first commitment ceremony.

This is obviously going to go well, because John, Mel and Alessandra have over 60 years of experience between them and it has all culminated in an impressive 8.5 per cent Married At First Sight success rate.

"We take it very seriously. About three per cent of the time."

The couples seem to expect some sage advice and HAS ANYONE EVER WATCHED THIS SHOW????

Most of the couples are going well, but the ones who aren't really aren't:

- Josh, bless his soul, believes he is a human man and not a talking dildo (a terrifying thought), and almost left the experiment after Melissa forgot that little fact

- Bronte and Harrison's decision to move back in together is going badly because Harrison is still mad about that time Bronte abandoned him when he moved into a separate apartment

- Shannon told Caitlin that he was still in love with his ex and now she's weighing up the pros and cons and darl, what pros???? Where are the pros????

- Jesse and Claire are... well, they're obviously not good because first Claire spoke, then she spoke about crystals, and now she might've hooked up with Adam. And yet she is still tossing up whether to stay or go

The men and women split into groups, and Jesse tells Dan they're all in for a big ol' juicy yarn on the couch tonight.

OH YES THE CHEATING SCANDAL IS BACK ON THE TABLE, BABY.

Meanwhile, Lyndall is CRYING because SHE KNOWS SOMETHING and I AM SO HERE for the most wholesome cast member so far throwing some damn gasoline on this particular fire.

(Who have I become?)

"For fun"

IT'S GO TIME.

AND JESSE AND CLAIRE ARE FIRST.

They sit on the couch and Alessandra says things seem "highly, highly lukewarm" between them AND YEAH THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE OF THE SPEAKING AND THE SHUSHING AND MAYBE EVEN THE POSSIBLE CHEATING.

"The mind boggles"

Jesse tells them his story about being at the pub, seeing Claire and Adam getting close and how Claire arrived home late while speaking to a man on the phone.

Adam confronts him on the way he barged into his and Janelle's apartment, talking about how Jesse has issues he needs to deal with and OH SORRY BUT SHHH ADAM, because LYNDALL wants Jesse to continue.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW LYNDALL AND WHEN WILL YOU TELL US BECAUSE NOW WOULD BE GREAT.

Claire clarifies she was on the phone to friends, Janelle gives Adam an alibi, and Lyndall looks like she wants to crawl out of her skin.

Just as Jesse admits he might've been wrong, she interrupts again.

"I don't think Jesse was entirely wrong in what he assumed."

HERE WE F***ING GOOOOO.

"That night we were all having fun and I may have misheard it and it might've been a joke but I did hear, when I picked up my things to go, Adam turned to me and he said 'don't go, you know that if you go I'm going to go home with Claire.'"

EXCUSE. 

ME?

OH SHIT

Adam denies saying exactly that, but it could've been along those lines, and Claire says that she's a warm, affectionate communicator so Jesse probably just saw her being nice and drew his own conclusions.

I smell a rat and NO. It's not Jesse. This is perhaps the greatest plot twist of the season so far but I DON'T THINK HE IS ALL WRONG.

John does not smell a rat because he's focused on his next line: "You two aren't in a great way right now".

It is profound stuff. I wipe a single tear from my eye.

"It's because I'm an empath"

Jesse says the experiment has brought out the worst in him, so he wants to leave.

However, Claire choses to stay, so they both must remain another week. Forcing someone to do something against their will for the sake of our entertainment is all part of the fun, you see.

Next, Adam apologises to both Janelle and Jesse for how he's made them feel with his maybe cheating.

Janelle says she has no reason not to trust Adam, which is an incredible call given the previous 35-minutes of content we have sat through.

AND THERE IS NO FURTHER PROBING. AT ALL. ABOUT THE ALLEGED CHEATING/FLIRTING/JOKING ABOUT GOING HOME WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR FAKE SPOUSE.

It is extremely unsatisfying, unlike Adam and Janelle's sex life. Just, ya know, FYI. Alessandra checked.

Anyway, they stay. As do many others. 

The happy couples are not as entertaining as those who might be cheating, but for the sake of continuity, Tahnee and Ollie, Melinda and Layton (I'm so glad she came around! I like them!), Alyssa and Duncan, and Sandy and Dan are all sticking around.

Next up is Josh and Melissa, who are still frosty because of that time Melissa forgot Josh was not a sex toy.

Josh says the words "Thor's hammer", AND THEN IT QUICKLY GETS EVEN WORSE.

"I want you to like me for me, not because I have a penis," he says.

They each agree to see each other as human beings with thoughts, feelings and sexual organs from now on, and choose to stay.

Unfortunately, it is then time to suffer through Bronte and Harrison.

Bronte begins by saying it's been a tough couple of weeks, to which Harrison says... actually no it has not been. He's barely seen Bronte so it's been like a holiday for him.

"The people here are so nice!"

John wants to discuss what the experts saw go down at the dinner party, in which Harrison flew way too close to the sun, got exposed as a gaslighting a-hole to the other women and faced interrogation from Melinda.

It was glorious.

They rehash their wedding day drama and Harrison's supposed 'girl on the outside' for the 3000th time.

He reiterates that he didn't stop seeing people before MAFS - no, like literally the day before his fake TV wedding - because he "didn't feel the need to be faithful" to someone he didn't even know.

Right on cue, Melinda steals my line:

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING

Alessandra says she can understand why Bronte's friend saw red flags.

Same.

Quite literally.

OH LOOK, IT'S BACK

They press Harrison further on why this woman would tell people she was still seeing him, or 'waiting' for him to finish the experiment, to which he says she must've developed feelings.

"Which makes sense, if you were having sex with her a week before going off to marry a stranger," Alessandra says.

"The place where your brain needs to be, perhaps shouldn't be between somebody else's legs and body."

I MEAN.

IT'S A TRULY TERRIBLE WAY OF WORDING IT. 

BUT.

GET HIM.

(For the foreseeable future, whenever I say mean things about the experts, which is about six times per recap, please know Alessandra is excluded from the narrative.)

Harrison claims he's put 100 per cent into his relationship with Bronte (lol), and it's so infuriating that LYNDALL INTERRUPTS AGAIN TO CALL BULLSH*T.

God, I am so here for Lyndall's drama character arc.

"FOR MORE FUN"

Lyndall, Alessandra, John and absolutely everyone who is not also reading from the Gaslighter Manifesto tell Harrison he needs to own his sh*t.

They reveal their decisions: Bronte wrote stay (because yeah, he's a sh*tbag, but at least this is a one-way ticket to gifted PR packages, I guess?), while Harrison wrote leave.

AND WE WERE SO CLOSE TO NEVER HAVING TO HEAR FROM THIS MAN AGAIN (except for when he starts a podcast or creates a fitness program).

They sandwich in Lyndall and Cameron as a nice little glimmer of positivity before bringing Caitlin and Shannon to the couch.

A lil palate cleanser

Shannon launches straight into his issue: he signed up to fake marry a stranger even though he's still in love with his ex, who he slept with a week before his fake wedding, and now he's in a TV relationship with a really lovely person who deserves better. Oops! Don't you hate when that happens!

The entire room looks like this very specific cat meme that lives rent-free in my mind:

But wait, you guys. He insists there are positives here (there are no positives here).

JOHN AIKEN IS SO MAD.

He says he's heard some real f***ed up things on this couch, and he's not wrong. How often do you imagine he remembers the toothbrush incident? Does it haunt him? Does he ever dream about it? Do his palms get sweaty in that particular supermarket aisle? Will he ever be able to move on?

He addresses Shannon but also Harrison to say that more than 10,000 people applied for this show (WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?) and their actions have made a total mockery of it.

It's so funny that he considers MAFS something that can be made a mockery of, because I feel like MAFS is a mockery? Honestly, no one would bat an eyelid if it returned next year titled Mockery at First Sight. But sure. At this moment, I will allow him to be earnest.

Shannon and Caitlin have both opted to stay, so hopefully he wakes up tomorrow not in love with his ex? That'd be handy.

And with that, the first commitment ceremony is over. No one has left, giving them all another week to fall in love and/or gain a social media following.

SEE YA TOMORROW NIGHT.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here: 

• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: When you 'cheat' in the very first episode.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The groom who hates when women... speak.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A brother tries to sabotage his sister's wedding.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: CLAIRE IS A NATIONAL HERO.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: SIR, YOU CANNOT JUST PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HAVE SEX.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Two red flags walk into a dinner party.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: This is what GASLIGHTING looks like.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: "I am not a f***ing disposable sex toy."

  Feature Image: Channel Nine.