The Twins recap Married at First Sight: Why are the experts... gaslighting the women?

February 27, 2022

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It’s the morning of the Commitment Ceremony, which can only mean one thing: three fake experts are gearing up for their 45-minute work week, and they're pissed.

How are they meant to 'support' these randoms through their sham marriages? They're fundamentally incompatible? And now there are three new couples - all of whom hate eachother - and what if they ask questions? Eugh.

Over in Ella and Mitch's apartment, they're discussing their future after the show. Mitch is initially confused because... why would they hang out after the show? Like yeah obviously when there's an influencer party or something, but surely they don't need to live close by? That's when he realises.

The brand deals. They're better if you're dating another reality TV contestant.

What about that? As an option?

Clare and Jessie Stephens

February 27, 2022

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The Spill

So he agrees to let Ella move to the Gold Coast.

She sees it as a fair compromise. In that she will follow him interstate, and Mitch promises to open the door sometimes when she knocks… as long as he’s not out that day. And he feels like it. Otherwise he might not.

Things are going just as smoothly for Matt and Kate. Matt wishes his wife a happy one week anniversary and she pulls this face.

'If we've only been together a week why do I feel such profound resentment?'

So things are going well. Over there.

Once Kate stops gagging she says, "Um, yeah. Thanks for reminding me. That is. Fan. Tastic," and is it though, Kate? Would we say?

Feeling bad about the time she nearly jumped out a window when Matt reminded her they’d been together a week, Kate offers to make him a cup of tea.

"Sugar in your tea?" she asks and no, Matt.

Don’t do it. Don’t. You. Dare.

"Kate," he says, with that look in his eye. "I’m already sweet enough, no sugar."

Don't say that.

That’s it. That’s our line in the sand. And Matt has crossed it.

He giggles to himself and, Sir. You are twenty years too young to be making that joke do you understand.

Oh. And after all that, the man does want sugar. He'd like "just one, thanks Kate" and okay just say that then????

They separate before the Commitment Ceremony, farewelling each other like two colleagues at the end of a shift.

Meanwhile, Selina and Cody are barely on speaking terms after Selina sobbed at the dinner party and Cody decided the best course of action would be to pretend it wasn’t happening.

"I’m not an empathetic person," Cody says matter-of-factly, and that's not an... option. We have. As human beings. So.

'It seems like a prerequisite... never mind.'

"Selina is upset a lot of the time," he adds, and maybe that’s because you have no empathy??? Idk idk.

Selin and Anthony are also broken. At the dinner party, Selin was asked to name five good things about Anthony and she was like "um I don’t understand the premise of the question" and then refused to provide one.

Anthony explains to the camera that that hurt. And, yes. We can imagine. It… would.

BUT HUSH NOW. It’s time for the Commitment Ceremony and the experts have been instructed to start sh*t. Even more than usual.

First up are Sam and Al because they’re one of the few couples who don’t appear to be currently considering homicide. As a viable option.

They announce to the room that this week they had intercourse. Al declares it was the "elephant in the room… when are Sam and Al going to have sex" and everyone’s like lol no it really wasn’t. In fact, the elephant in the room is that Sam, an adult woman, has been matched with a literal baby.

'He's still waking during the night but only once or twice.'

Next up are Kate and Matt.

Matt takes the experts "back to the wedding" and describes "immediate sparks". John Aiken’s face is full of elation, and he turns to Kate and asks, "What about you, Kate?" as she vomits inside her mouth.

Kate is as positive as she can be, describing the whole experience as a "wave of disappointment".

This is confusing for Matt who tells the three experts on the couch, who he begged to match him with a stranger out of sheer desperation, that he "tends to be successful picking up women". And Matt. With all due respect. May you pls explain to us why you’re… here. Then.

But it’s Kate that John Aiken would like to address.

"You’ve been matched with a guy who finds you attractive," he says with the tone of a condescending Kindergarten teacher. "That’s a good thing." And pause.

Silly.

Did you just tell Kate that she should count herself lucky that a man - with Twisties breath, might we add - finds her attractive?

"He wants to be affectionate with you. That’s a good thing," John Aiken adds and NOT IF YOU DON’T WANT IT, SIR.

Just because Kate is, according to this program, geriatric, doesn’t mean she has to settle for anyone who finds her attractive?? Can we skip back to the part where he said he doesn’t need sugar in his tea because he’s sweet enough??? Like, red flags?

Kate leaves the couch thankful that anyone might find her attractive, Twisties breath or not.

The experts then call to the couch Anthony and Selin, who rehash their weird fight about Anthony being "unhygienic" because he put his feet up on the coffee table.

'I despise him for reasons I can't articulate.'

If we could just…

How are those two things related. We’ve been confused for several episodes now.

Sure, one might view feet on a coffee table as rude. Perhaps even disrespectful. But isn’t it only unhygienic if he’s like… rubbing tinea on the bench or something?

Selin says it was also unhygienic when Anthony washed his hair in the sink and... WAIT.

Why. Was he. Washing. His hair. In. The. Sink. Tho.

Dude.

Selin tries to explain that she doesn’t feel a connection, and when you don’t feel a connection, it’s hard because you become profoundly rude, and find new and exciting ways to tell that person to f**k off.

Anthony writes ‘leave’ and Selin writes ‘I’m done’.

"Learn from this, and do it differently in future," John Aiken says and learn from whom to do what different in the future.

It’s time for Ella and Mitch, and John Aiken’s getting hungry so decides to be inexplicably short with people.

Everyone becomes annoyed that Mitch wouldn’t move to Melbourne to be with Ella, and so John Aiken intervenes with: "I’m going to give you something that perhaps you’re not going to like".

He suggests that Ella doesn’t believe she’s good enough for Mitch, and she agrees.

Mitch starts crying which we think might be a good sign, until he says he’s just basically mad because Ella brought the issue up in front of “these idiots” and lol so true.

'Don't look them in the eye they can spot weakness.'

He tells the camera he’ll be taking a few days off the relationship to have a think and okay that’s not how relationships work but okay.

A bunch of people write stay bla bla bla Michael Buble and Liv aren’t doing it for us unfortunately but OH JACK’S MAD COZ DOMENICA SAW HIS POO.

Jack tells the experts about the time he forgot to flush the toilet in their apartment, so, twice, Domenica saw his faeces. And then Domenica told her new friends at a wedding. As well as the nation. And international viewers.

It's not that Domenica isn't sorry. It's that poo is always, always funny. And to deprive viewers of a story about Jack's poo would be a crime.

'I can see how you felt you needed to share that. On a global scale.'

Speaking of literal shit, Jessica and Daniel’s relationship.

Jessica attempts to explain all the ways in which the experts failed at their one job, but then Domenica jumps in.

Referring to how Jessica ignored Daniel at the dinner party, she tells Jessica she "HAS SOME HIDE", and we watch as John Aiken brutally pushes Mel off the couch and politely invites Domenica to sit down and start offering some advice.

"It’s hard to know what’s gone wrong," John Aiken reflects, looking desperately in Domenica’s direction.

Jessica offers to get out her list, which includes: No attraction. Nothing in common. Despising each other (deeply, as people).

'I have a separate sheet for every day.'

Apparently Jessica told Daniel he only ticked five of her ten boxes, which startles Domenica, and lady you told everyone about Jack’s poo accident, sit down.

Jessica decides to ‘Leave’, which is surprising given how sure we are that she’s here for the potential Instagram collabs, and if you want the Hello Fresh partnership you can’t be leaving so soon.

But Daniel knows what’s up, so chooses to stay.

"Right now," John Aiken says, with his award-winning wisdom, "the dynamic is not particularly friendly," and yeah thanks mate no sh*t the woman is literally trying to escape out an open window while a producer tasers her.

Finally, we get to Selina and Cody.

Cody’s all like "yeah, I’m not empathetic" and "I’m quite cold" and that’s just not a… thing. That can be your… weakness. Which you are weirdly at… peace with.

"I don’t know how to console someone," he says flatly and Selina is staring at the experts like "??????"

Everyone has empathy??? My cat has empathy??

Cody worries that if this experiment is just leading them to despise each other, "then what are we doing?"

And, oh sweetie. Sorry.

You’re creating prestige reality television, Cody. And contributing to the revenue of a corporation known as the Nine Network. Because they run ads sometimes. Between Selina’s tears. Do you see?

But Mel’s upset ever since John Aiken tried to replace her with Domenica.

HOW IS THIS ALSO YOUR FAULT she yells at Selina and you seem to be on the wrong track but do go on.

She explains that the problems in their relationship are "obviously on both sides" and OK Cody is a self-proclaimed sociopath so… is that... the case... though?

Selina tries to leave given Cody - by his own omission - doesn’t care about her feelings, but Cody would like to stay.

"So there’s a little hope here…" Mel says, and would we say that? (No).

We are left with a picture of a couple glad to still be here.

'I apologise.'