Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Fake epiphanies, golden showers and cancelled dates.

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"A night out has resulted in a set back for one of the couples."

A truly evergreen MAFS sentence.

This time, it's regarding Ellie and Ben. Remember them?

At dinner, Ben mocked Ellie for, um, believing he is 'here for the right reasons'? She says it made her feel belittled, because it was belittling, and she won't stand for that.

She says she's not here for the air time — which is lucky, because she's had none! — but now she is questioning whether he is.

Welcome to the club, Ellie.

Elsewhere, Alessandra's Intimacy Week fun continues. 

She wants Jayden to dress up like a naked chef.

AND WE LEARN ANDREA IS A LIL FREAKY. OKAY, ANDREA.

Lauren and Jonathan call a truce following yesterday's fight and have a very awkward hug, and then we're back onto this genital cupping bullsh*t with Tori and Jack.

Tori is very, very into it. She is intuitive so she knows Jack is very, very into it too. Except Jack says he wasn't very, very into it.

Meanwhile, Tim has realised he does not want to project his trust issues onto Sara, and Alessandra has the perfect task to get them back on track.

Genital cupping.

No, I'm joking. Unfortunately, they instead must stare into each other's eyes for three minutes. Maybe Alessandra does know her stuff, because it works.

No cupping of the balls required! This time.

Across the hall, Ben recounts his argument with Ellie, which he believes was difficult because she's "sensitive" and "emotional".

It definitely had nothing to do with him talking about "opportunities after the experiment", a.k.a his hopes and dreams of receiving over 500 downloads on his podcast.

"Her emotional lady brain probably just doesn't understand it"

While John Aiken and Mel are off sipping mojitos, Alessandra is holding intimacy workshops because some of these people need a lot more help than simply learning to hover their hands above boobies.

Richard and Andrea are going at it like rabbits and everyone is having fun with that news.

But then Jack mentions his golden showers... thing.

This moment is perfect. Tristan is confused yet intrigued. Richard's smile cannot mask his grimace. Jayden is trying so hard not to laugh. Jonathan and Tim each have a mix of concern and suspicion. It's magic.

He says he does not feel big sexual energy with Tori and Timothy can't wait to tell her because he loves mess.

Ben then lies through his teeth about how he and Ellie are great.

Alessandra tells him he needs to figure out his feelings about having children sooner rather than later, because it's a deal breaker issue for Ellie.

Jonathan says lots of nice things about Ellie and THAT'S SUSPICOUS... THAT'S WEIRD. He says Ben is full of sh*t, and someone needs to beam that lil clip of meanness right into Lauren's eyeballs! She'd find that super hot!

Sounds like grounds for a cheating scandal doesn't ittttt

At the women's workshop, everyone "awwwwws" at the news that Tim successfully looked into Sara's eyes.

Cass shares that she and Tristan have cooled off because his up-and-down moods are turning her off, but she really wants the spark back.

Then Ellie says Ben mocked her for... answering a question... that he asked her... in a perfectly normal way.

Tori says Ben is either stupid, or he has balls bigger than Texas. I agree with her and also plan to adopt that saying into my own personal lexicon.

"I am very much looking forward to talking to Ben at the next commitment ceremony," Alessandra says, with the most threatening smile I've ever seen.

"And I will do it with a smile"

Everyone rustles through a sponsored box of sex toys.

Lucinda Light waves two in the air and says "these things have got character", which is the type of marketing money can't buy.

She thrusts the pink one in the air multiple times fyi

Ellie arrives home to Ben, who has had an epiphany courtesy of post-exercise endorphins/the sound of his screaming niece or nephew/his insatiable need for 15 minutes of Daily Mail homepage relevancy.

"I do want to have kids in the future," he says, to the sound of a menacing violin. "It just hit me today."

It hit him today. After Alessandra reminded him that for Ellie, kids is a deal breaker. And a deal breaker would mean leaving the experiment. After only 30-seconds of collective screen time. 

How is a guy supposed to promote his podcast under those conditions!!!

"It's just so random," Ellie keeps repeating.

"No reason to be suspicious at all actually"

Are they on the same wavelength??? Is he reading her mind??? No babe, but the producers are!

I hope Collins watches this and feels proud that despite zero on screen interaction, Ben learned a lot from his terrible acting.

Elsewhere, everyone else is experiencing the magic of a hug.

And Tori is horned up and ready to jump Jack. So Alessandra sets them a fun task: a five-minute make-out session.

Logistics aside, that's fun.

Jack negotiates the pashing down to two minutes. That's very unromantic, but not as unromantic as him leaving his shoes off for the task.

GET YOUR SHOES OFF THAT BED IMMEDIATELY

Tori enjoys it immensely, while Jack says he liked it too but only because it tells him that Tori is way more into him than he is into her which gives him power over her and omgthisguyistrash.

AND TAKE THE BEDDING YOU DESECRATED WITH YOUR SHOES WITH YOU

John Aiken and Mel have moved onto jager bombs, but Alessandra has even more work to do.

She's staging an intervention at Cass and Tristan's apartment, because Tristan's self-esteem issues are destroying their intimacy.

Cass says at that moment she is not attracted to Tristan because his negative thoughts have impacted her own energy.

Alessandra instructs them to gaze into each other's eyes and somehow it... magically fixes things. The only explanations are that 1. Alessandra is great at her job or 2. she is a witch.

Uh oh.

Tim has something important to tell Sara.

Oh- 

It's literally just a date.

Love that for them, but historically "something important" has been a cheating scandal or a man revealing that he f***ed his ex-girlfriend's friend while the ex-girlfriend watched in the name of revenge. 

It's just a little anti-climatic, Timmy.

Everyone else is also on dates.

Andrea and Richard dance, of course.

Cass and Tristan paint each other.

That is actually Travis Kelce

Jack and Tori attend a... kink yoga class?

And Lucinda Light and Timothy dress up as Daleks.

For anyone who is not as deeply nerdy as I am: this is a terrible Doctor Who joke

It turns out Sara and Tim are not even going on their much-hyped date.

Because Sara is hungover after a girl's night.

Tim says this is the third time she has bailed on their plans because of similar circumstances and oof.

Sara! Get it together!

Tim is quite rightly disappointed about this and Sara tells him not to take it personally. She wants to go out with the gals and not have to worry about what he thinks, and she doesn't think he's chill enough to be that person???

Except that's not the problem at hand???

The problem is writing yourself off so you can't fulfil plans the next day???

Girl's night till your heart's content but maybe sub in some water every now and again!!!

She apologises to him for cancelling but says she doesn't know how to make Tim feel more secure in their relationship AND MAYBE STICKING TO YOUR DATE PLANS WOULD DO IT.

Tim does not feel the apology is genuine and finds it really f***ing annoying that Sara sees him as insecure and needy when he's just like "maybe don't flake on all our plans???"

Can't wait for this to be resolved, calmly and maturely I am sure, tomorrow night.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:

• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Lucinda is the MAFS hero we need.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: One groom discovers that marrying a stranger is... a lot.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: We will not be listening to this man's podcast.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The season's most chaotic bride.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: 'He's completely full of sh*t.'
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Jayden did WHAT with WHOM in front of WHOMST?
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: You can't just compare your new wife to your dog.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The award for worst performance in a reality TV show goes to...
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: THE GENITAL CUPPING IS HELPING NO ONE.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: Nine.