The Twins recap Married at First Sight: Mitch just broke all the rules.

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We open on Jack having flashbacks to the final dinner party, where the table (and the nation) learnt that he comes too quickly. Penis-wise.

It’s a fair punishment for a man who has done, quite literally, nothing wrong. 

And my Aunty Trish?

As if his night wasn’t already a living nightmare, Dom was then asked if she saw longevity in their relationship and she paused for 15 years.

Okay. So. 

Yes, the pause was awkward. 

But neither Dom nor Jack seem to be acknowledging what came after the pause???

Which was Dom essentially saying she doesn’t see longevity in their relationship? And she’s always had doubts about their future?? Which feels important? 

Side note: Watch the Married At First Sight trailer here. Post continues after video.

Meanwhile, Ella and Mitch are waking up in different rooms, ever since Mitch announced that he's not the kind of partner who:

a) confirms that you're currently in a relationship

b) shows affection, or 

c) discusses the future of your... entanglement. Even if you're only looking as far as, say, next week.

"If you want validation, maybe I’m just not the person to give that to you," Mitch shrugs and Sir, that is such a weird tactic.

"My strategy is that when you ask for things I say 'I can't'." It’s honestly like someone in a relationship asking for a cup of tea and the other person yelling ‘WELL I GUESS I'M NOT THE MAN FOR YA.’ Mostly because that's... exactly what's happening here.

"It doesn't matter what I do... I'm never going to be good enough for ya," Mitch says and WHAT MATE YOU'VE DONE LITERALLY NOTHING. 

Selina has decided to get her mum Teresa's advice on Cody, also known as the strange man who entered her house, broke her favourite china, laughed awkwardly, and left.

"Let me tell you the truth..." Teresa says and omg yes pls do. "I'm not really impressed, at all. He smashed my f**king cups, Selina. Like a moron. He's clumsy - physically, emotionally, spiritually."

But it's not just about the china, which Teresa will be invoicing for. "I can tell that he's not really into you," she says. "I've seen you love him more than he loves you."

"You deserve better, Selina," she says, which is the truest thing anyone's said in two months.

Over with Ella's family, she's explaining that her husband, Mitch, doesn't want to be "that person who's emotionally supportive".

Sweetie that's not like... an option xxx

Her stepdad takes a breath and responds, "well, that's not fantastic," and okay no these parents are way better experts than the experts in that they know it's all broken. 

BUT SHUT UP it is time for Cody and Selina's final decision. 

Selina is torn, because on the one hand, Cody:

- Destroyed property in her mother's home,

- Has been generally cruel for a majority of the experiment,

- Lives in a crackden.

But then, on the other hand, he did adopt a sea otter. For her. At the last minute. So maybe he's just misunderstood. 

With absolutely no suspense whatsoever, Cody tells Selina he wants to continue their relationship outside the experiment. He has space for her in his crackden, in the corner with the vermin.

"I'd give you a key but there isn't really a point." Selina explains that for most of this experience, she's been stuck in a cycle of confusion about whether her husband actually likes her. We remember the time Cody made her dress up like a swamp monster as a joke, and wonder how on earth any of us have made it to this point.

For reasons we will never understand, Selina goes against her mum's advice and chooses to stay with Cody - a man who is emotionally constipated and best known for repeatedly making terrible decisions. 

They tell the cameras they want to buy a house and go travelling and WHY IS EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW IN A POSITION TO ENTER INTO HOME OWNERSHIP? Also, don't buy a property together, that's a truly terrible idea.

BUT HUSH BECAUSE NOW IT'S TIME FOR ELLA AND MITCH. 

After four hours of watching Mitch think, we finally arrive at a graveyard (?) at midnight (??) for their final vows. 

Like we can see spirits?? Mitch tells the camera that he didn't believe the experts could do their jobs at first, but now he can see what can happen when you match a bunch of couples to start s**t. And, yeah. It's entertaining stuff. 

Ella says, "it's so nice to see your face," to which Mitch wants to respond, "I CAN'T BE THE GUY WHO SAYS IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU. I CAN'T. IT'S TOO MUCH. WHAT IS A MAN TO DO."

Ella obviously says she'd like to give this relationship a go in the outside world, and in response to Mitch's... silence, she then has to prompt him to retrieve his palm cards. 

He says he's come to realise, "I'm not the right person that you're looking for," and, "how can we walk out here as partners, when at the moment I don't see this as a substantial relationship?"

Well. Then.

Just when we think this must be a solid "no, to you, Ella", he says that what he needs is to go back to his life, with his friends and family, and make this decision and Sir with all due respect where have you been this week wasn't that the whole fckn point? 

"I know this is not what you want to hear," he says, and that's when we realise he is not only talking to Ella.

He is also speaking to his mortal enemy, John Aiken. 

You can't make me do sh*t nanananananana. As a final f**k you to this experiment, he basically says 'Nah you can't make me make a decision lol'.

And again.

If you hate. The premise of this show. Then why. Sign up. 

Ella thinks this is all a bit of a cop out, and breaks down in front of the camera. But she also says she's not surprised, given Mitch's ongoing beef with John Aiken.

LAST we have Domenica and Jack, and Jack is standing in a flood zone holding an umbrella and honestly the only thing left to happen in 2022 is that he gets electrocuted and drowns in the lake. 

"I'd prefer the local McDonalds?" Domenica makes her way to meet him, and no we're talking 400cms of rain. This is a hazard. 

Could we not have moved Jack and Domenica into an indoor location given the torrential rain?

A marquee? 

No?

Jack can't stop crying because Domenica's shoes have been ruined by walking through a mud pit. 

Finally, she swims to Jack who is at this point basically submerged, and the car? Could we not have moved this to one of the cars even?

Everyone is cold and wet and we cannot hear anything over the rain, but allegedly Jack would like to stay with Domenica, not least because they'll need each other's assistance getting out of this disaster.

Blame climate change, honestly.

Finally, Domenica says that while her feelings aren't as strong as she expected them to be at this point, Jack is one in a million. Just like this weather event. 

They kiss, before walking off into the distance.

The final shot is of a deep muddy puddle and a ruined dress and honestly it couldn't be more fitting.

UNTIL NEXT SUNDAY. 

For more MAFS commentary and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. 

You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.  

You can read the previous MAFS recaps here:

• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 33: "Everybody else here knows but you."
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 32: "The way you handled yourself is truly disgusting."
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 31: "I gave up my whole life to be a laughing stock."
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 30: Olivia believes she's been 'gaslighted'. 
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 29: Um. Did Liv really just say that.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 28: A slut-shaming nude photo scandal. 
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 27: A prank goes horribly wrong.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 26: In defence of Liv.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight episode 25: The plot twist we all saw coming.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight episode 24: Olivia apologises... and then whips out a takesy backsy.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 23: We need to talk about Liv.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 22: A very 'horny' cheating scandal.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 21: The experts have had it with Carolina.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 20: The man who broke John Aiken.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 19: We have feedback about the cheating scandal.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 18: OK. So at this point people are just walking out.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 17: Why are the experts... gaslighting the women?
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 16: A perfectly engineered cheating scandal. 
  
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: "You couldn't script this sh*t."
  
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 14: We have feelings about the bride who ran three hours late.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: A burning question for Brent and Tamara.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 12: The most manipulative night we've seen on television. 
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Andrew needs to be stopped. 
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The couple that can't stop fighting about sex.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: The groom's decision that 'doesn't make any sense'.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A messed up conversation about race.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: Sir. You did not just talk about pegging. 
  
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: We need to talk about Selin. 
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: Stop it. He’s doing everything for Instagram. 
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: 'The sex wasn't enjoyable for me.'
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your husband doesn't want to have sex with you.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: The groom who has everyone... baffled.
• The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: "My wife is a psychopath."

Image: Nine Network. 

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