The Twins recap Married at First Sight: OK. So at this point people are just walking out.

February 28, 2022

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It’s the official halfway point of the experiment and the music is triumphant for reasons that, narratively, do not make sense.

Selina and Cody are reflecting on last night's events, where Cody told the experts, "I don't know how to give her what she wants," and Selina was like, "I just want a cuddle," and he was like "I DON'T UNDERSTAND CAN YOU SEE HOW HARD IT IS," and she was like, "Just a hug like with both your arms," and he was like "I just need her to be clearer??"

"Did I mention I don't care about your feelings? Which could be a hurdle?"

Clare and Jessie Stephens

February 28, 2022

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The Spill

Selina reflects that they have lots in common. For example, they both enjoy gaming - and okay yes great but Cody has no empathy.

So.

That's what makes it hard.

Cody agrees and adds that they're going so much better than the other couples. Such as Kate, who vomits in her mouth every time she sees her husband, Matt, and also Carolina, who spends her time muttering under her breath that the only reason anyone shows any interest in her husband is because he's rich.

There is no such thing as going any worse than the current couples do you understand us?

Speaking of, the new couples are moving in together.

Matt starts having an unexplained coughing fit and Kate decides gleefully to let him die which is confronting for us, as viewers.

"Let the man die. He has to learn."

Finally Kate sighs, "oh, is that you?" and yeah, Kate. The man hasn't taken a breath in three minutes and is convulsing on the floor in front of you. So we know you... saw. She suggests that he try to chew his food better before vomiting in her own mouth again.

While Carolina is unpacking her suitcase, she expresses sadness over all the beautiful lingerie she brought, which she can't wear. Because she wasn't matched with someone hot enough. To bother. Dion pats her on the back whispering, "there, there," while she shouts about how short he is.

Oh.

But it's Jessica and Daniel.

And we'd like to file a restraining order. As... bystanders.

Well. This is a threat to human civilisation.

Inexplicably, Jessica brings the appalling painting they did on their honeymoon to their new apartment. It's not only obnoxiously large, it's also hideously ugly so can't be put on a wall in case it upsets guests.

The experts suggested they start from scratch, but sitting on their couch, Jessica decides to bring up additional criticisms she forgot to air at the Commitment Ceremony.

Daniel listens to Jessica read from her Excel spreadsheet for 25 minutes before asking: "What do you want me to do differently?"

But. Jessica. Does. Not. Like. His. Tone.

"I literally hate it when you do that."

She announces she is leaving. Which is a surprise, given she only just moved in. With four suitcases. And a painting.

We worry for her safety given that when Anthony tried to leave, he returned with a giant gash on his forehead, which we can only assume was an injury incurred from a very stern John Aiken. So good luck we guess??

Domenica and Jack's relationship is going much better, so much so that Domenica has organised a picnic.

Once they arrive, Domenica makes Jack close his eyes while she retrieves a present and omg is it an instructional booklet on how to flush a toilet Y/N.

It turns out she has both her dog, and Jack's dog, and yeah, you better believe they hate each other for no reason.

'Not into it.'

Things are going very badly for Ella and Mitch.

You see, from the moment Mitch arrived on the show, he's questioned the validity of the experiment. Probably because the experiment has precisely no validity.

"Those commitment ceremonies, they’re just not beneficial for us," Mitch says and sweetie please, they're not beneficial to anyone? Except us? As viewers?

"I don't necessarily want everyone to know what's going on in my relationship," he continues and while that is a fair and noble request, it's also why people tend to not get married on the television.

"They don't know S**T," he says, referring to the experts and the contestants. "So shut up," he adds and OK fair point well made.

He then yells "I don’t want to get caught up in all this TV bulls**t drama," while standing behind a camera, lit up by lighting gear, with a microphone attached to his t-shirt.

?!???!?!??!!

"This experiment is toxic," he says and yeah like what’s your point????

Suddenly, Mitch realises that as he's been having his rant, cameras have emerged outside his apartment door. To follow him. Wherever he decides to go. He doesn't understand why they're all filming him and we're so CONFUSED did you READ your CONTRACT?

He walks out of his apartment but quickly returns. You see, on his way out, he was met by a cloaked John Aiken. Who gently told him to return to his wife for a minimum of 48 hours or be clubbed on the head.

'I thought that was just a rumour.'

Luckily, the experts have taken on board Mitch's feedback and decide to let the couples interact like normal human beings instead of provoking them for dramatic purposes.

Hehe jokes that it is meet the parents week, where every couple will be getting unsolicited feedback from their loved ones.

Domenica and Jack face their parents, and yeah, Domenica is reminded of the time she yelled on national television that she's a WOMAN who BLEEDS MONTHLY and she wants JACK'S D*CK even when she's CLOTTING.

"Nonna isn't going to like it..." Domenica's mum says, and mate if Nonna watches the show the period sex is going to be the least of her concerns.

'Oops.'

Back in his apartment, Daniel is alone eating Tim Tams and um we don't want to be rude but shouldn't you be... moving along. But he's invited Carolina over for a chat.

She asks what he's going to do now, and he's like, "idk just going to make the most of the free accommodation and in the meantime… may I interest you… in a cheating scandal?"

Carolina and Daniel bond over the fact that Dion has never been to the gym, which they've actually already discussed during their total of one (1) previous conversations. Daniel says he tries to go to the gym five days a week, as does Carolina, but ffs that isn't the basis of a successful marriage that's literally just having a similar schedule.

Y is this cheating scandal so unsexy.

As she leaves, Carolina reflects that she thinks Daniel was flirting with her and LADY PLS HE WAS TRYING TO INITIATE A FULL BLOWN CHEATING SCANDAL BUT HE WAS ALSO BEING USHERED OUT THE DOOR BY HOTEL STAFF.

Daniel hurriedly packs the rest of his things, including enough Youfoodz to feed a small nation.

It's Mitch and Ella's turn to meet each other's parents, and Mitch enthusiastically reflects that "it does piss me off, all this s**t." Cool.

Mitch immediately tells both sets of parents that the show is a "toxic environment," with blowups at the dinner parties, which again, dude, why are you here.

For the new couples, the experts have introduced crash course week, where it seems they'll create chaos in a more random, accelerated way.

Carolina and Dion are given the photo ranking task, and Dion puts Carolina first.

But there's a problem.

Carolina thinks he's... lying. Which. Even if he was. Like. Leave it? She accuses him of playing the "good guy card," and THAT'S NOT A CARD. PEOPLE SHOULD BE NICE. EVEN IF THEY'RE PRETENDING.

Then it's time for Carolina to place Dion in the lineup. And... oh.

He's wearing his sparkly jacket. In the photo. Which makes this sadder.

He full styled his hair for the photo.

Carolina places Dion third last, before explaining that this specific ranking was based on his looks, BUT if it was based on his personality, she ALSO wouldn't put him at the top.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

For more MAFS commentary and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.

Read our previous recaps here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 17: Why are the experts... gaslighting the women?

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 16: A perfectly engineered cheating scandal.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: "You couldn't script this sh*t."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 14: We have feelings about the bride who ran three hours late.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: A burning question for Brent and Tamara.